1.02.2013

BLOODLUST ZOMBIES (2011) Review


Directed by: Dan Lantz
Starring: Alexis Texas, Janice Marie, Adam Danoff

Adult star Alexis Texas gets top billing in this low budget zombie / infected flick about a virus which gets unleashed in a research facility. But is the name of a pornstar (I will refer to her as such from now on. Fuck that adult film star bullshit, she's a fucking pornstar!) really enough to lure people in to see a flick which would have otherwise completely passed them by? Well it was good enough for me. Hey, don't judge me. One of last year's best films EXCISION featured a fantastic performance by ex-pornstar Traci Lords which proves it is possible to successfully make the transition from porn to mainstream cinema. It's just very, very rare. In this case it didn't work. At all.


As mentioned previously this film takes place in a research facility. It's after hours and the team are celebrating after successful trials of some mysterious virus concocted for military use. A mishap in the lab releases the virus and the whole building is put under lockdown. The people trapped inside need to stay alive until help arrives. The only problem is that nobody is coming and the building is rapidly filling with 28 DAYS LATER style Rage victims.

Ok so let's get the obvious out of the way first. Alexis Texas can't act. She may do a good job of shaking her ass and taking a cock in any one of her orifices but she can't act for shit. Fortunately she does briefly get her tits out but it's not really enough to justify having a pornstar in the movie. Plus everybody knows that her ass is her best feature, so why focus on the tits? Who knows?
During the majority of the film when she is clothed she runs around stumbling over her dialogue and generally just being an irritating bitch. Also she has the most annoying scream ever.


Fortunately for Alexis (but not for us) the rest of the cast is not much better and not only is the acting terrible but so are the characters and all of the dialogue. Darren (Danoff) is an overly douchey douchebag who's one soul purpose in the film seems to be making immature jokes and just being an all around prick. But it's not even his character that is the problem, after all we've all seen these douchebag asshole characters played perfectly well before. Think Stifler from AMERICAN PIE or even Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE. Darren is just a dick.
The security officer (played by director Dan Lantz) is a stereotypical lazy lump who sits on his ass reading manuals. The temp Libby seems to have no place in the story at all. Why is her foot broken? Why is she even there after hours if she's just a temp? Why is she carrying a gun around? Most of the characters are more like caricatures.


So now lets get to the gore, after all this is a zombie film right? Well yes and no. It's not really a zombie film (one character even explains why they're not zombies) but there is a lot of blood and fortunately it's almost entirely practical. Unfortunately it looks fake as fuck. And there are way too many neck bites and head shots (how about some variety?). Along with Alexis' breasts there are another two pairs we get to see briefly although they do belong to some unsexy infected freaks.

In all honesty I can sadly see a market for this type of film, but I hope that it is mostly people who just want to get drunk and have a laugh. If you came for Alexis you will be severely disappointed and the same goes if you were looking for some neat gore, suspense or scares. Avoid it like the plague. I give this two stars, one for each of Alexis Texas' tits.




2 comments:

  1. You were nicer to this one than I was. This one managed to be worse than all of the movies involving 'Zombies' and 'Strippers'. I guess that's an accomplishment.

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    1. I guess I may have been a bit soft on this. I was a little drunk at the time. Thought being drunk while watching this would be a good idea. Now I'm trying to imagine how much worse it would have been sober...

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