SAMURAI ZOMBIE (2008) Review

Directed by: Tak Sakaguchi

Starring: Mitsuro Fukukoshi, Issei Ishida, Tak Sakaguchi

A lot of Japanese zombie films such as BIG TITS ZOMBIE, ONECHANBARA, WILD ZERO and a whole host of others tend to be in that really over the top goofy, cartoony style that the Japanese seem to love so much. As such they really present themselves as almost parodies rather than actual horror flicks. And when you look at the filmography of actor / director Tak Sakaguchi and see such films as DEADBALL, BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL and TOKYO GORE POLICE it would be easy to assume that SAMURAI ZOMBIE is going to be just another wacky Japanese zombie flick with gallons of blood. I was however surprised to find that it takes a much darker and more serious approach to the genre and as much as I love a batshit crazy splatterfest I found this to be a refreshing change.

A man and his family are on a road trip through the quaint countryside when out of nowhere a man appears in the middle of the road pointing a gun. Unable to stop, the driver ploughs through the gunman before skidding to a halt. Far from dead the man with the gun rises and takes aim once again when suddenly a volley of gunshots rings out and bullets rip through his back. A second gunman appears along with his female partner and they take the family hostage, forcing them to drive through the cursed countryside where the dead never really die.

The rest of the film is basically a siege with the handful of people trapped and being stalked by deadly Samurai zombies. The main zombie in full Samurai armor looks totally badass and acts as almost a Japanese Jason Voorhees, constantly getting up after being knocked down. He decapitates his victims and uses the blood from their severed heads to raise more zombies. All of the zombie effects here are surprisingly good and a far cry from the simply greenish grey facepaint I'm used to seeing in Japanese zombie flicks. And the zombies are only really zombies in the sense that they are resurrected corpses. They're not the usual shambling, neck chomping sort but a more aggressive and even intelligent type. In fact in a way the film plays out more like a ghost story.

The story which follows the main group of people is pretty weak and very confusing as not a lot is ever really explained. There is what I assume is supposed to be a twist at the film's end but it just made things even more confusing and felt tacked on in my opinion. There is also a bit of subplot involving two police officers which adds a little humor to the movie but not much else. The acting is not exactly what you'd call award-winning but it is a lot better than I expected and everybody does a decent job. Even though I mentioned this isn't as bizarre or over the top as something like TOKYO GORE POLICE or THE MACHINE GIRL you can see a bit of that Japanese trademark creep in during the decapitation scenes which are followed by an impossibly huge fountain of blood spurting from people's neck-holes. All in all though I actually thought that SAMURAI ZOMBIE was a decent effort if a little bland and quite confusing. But if you're expecting another Japanese splatterfest you will be disappointed.

MEGAFORCE (1982) Review

Directed by: Hal Needham

Starring: Barry Bostwick, Michael Beck, Edward Mulhare, Henry Silva

"There has never been a super hero like Ace Hunter!" So reads the tagline for this futuristic action turkey, and in all honesty it's probably true. Let's just hope it's also true that there will never be a super hero like Ace Hunter ever again. Ever.


I imagine that as a teen in the 80s when this movie was released I probably would have loved it. At that age I wasn't so concerned with things like good acting and writing as much as I was about action, explosions and big stunts, and this movie has plenty of those. Unfortunately I wasn't a teen when this movie first came out, hell I wasn't even born when this movie was first released and so I'm reviewing this film for the first time at age 25.

The MEGAFORCE of the movie’s title is some sort of underground organization led by Commander Ace Hunter (a seemingly very miscast Barry Bostwick), fighting for peace and justice and all that jazz. When freedom is threatened MEGAFORCE are the ones to call, and that’s exactly what happens when Duke Guerera (Silva) and his rebels begin an invasion. General Edward Byrne-White (Mulhare) and his associate Zara (Persis Khambatta) meet with Hunter and his MEGAFORCE team to come up with a plan to stop Guerera and his army of rebels.

Perhaps the best way to describe this movie would be to say that it is essentially a live-action cartoon, something like G.I. JOE maybe. Everything is done in a very cartoonish, almost comic book style from the vehicles to the tight spandex jumpsuits, the rockets, lasers and explosions and even Ace Hunter’s rock solid hairdo. It’s easy to see that the target audience for this movie was children and teens rather than adults, and you know what? I'll bet kids back in the day loved the shit out of this movie, I know I would have. And I'll bet even nowadays people who grew up with MEGAFORCE can still watch it and enjoy it because it reminds them of the childhood. I however won’t be looking at this movie with rose-colored glasses.

Director Hal Needham is well known for his stunt work and it really shows here, there are so many scenes showing off the MEGAFORCE crew doing wheelies on their motorcycles while simultaneously firing missiles and speeding around in the dirt. But as cool as that may sound (motorbike missile wheelies? AWESOME!) the majority of the action scenes in this flick are pretty damn underwhelming.
But then again a child in the 80s would probably think that they were the motherfucking bomb.
One thing however that even a kid in the 80s couldn't fail to notice is just how horribly bad the bluescreen work towards the end of the film is. I would go out on a limb and say it is the single worst use of bluescreen I have ever seen in my life. Some may argue that it’s so bad it’s good, but I really can’t swallow that. It’s just plain bad.

And speaking of bad let’s talk about every other aspect of the movie. Even with a $20m budget (which in 1982 would have been pretty damn sizeable) the movie manages to look cheap mostly due to the horribly dated vehicles. The motorcycles with their oversized guards and orange and white and black paint jobs are futuristic in a way that only the 80s could produce. And who the hell decided that motorcycles were so damn good in the first place? Surely such a well funded and organized group such as  MEGAFORCE would have something a little more substantial and heavy duty than dirt bikes and dune buggies. Even Guerera’s rebel army have themselves a nice bunch of tanks.
And while we’re on the subject of Guerera we might as well talk about Henry Silva who is really the only character I enjoyed seeing on screen. Although I must admit I like him in pretty much everything I've seen him in. The rest of the cast do a great job of laying on the campy overacting nice and thick. And Ace Hunter’s little thumbs up freeze-frame (below) to finish off the movie? Fucking puke.

In all honestly I would have loved to see this as a kid because I know I would have enjoyed the absolute shit out of it. It’s nothing but a flashy, cheesy, brainless action fest filled with stunts and lasers and explosions and if you watch it as such you should at least find some entertainment value in it. But as far as being a good movie goes, it just simply isn't  The campy overacting, the painfully bad dialogue, the amazingly tight spandex jumpsuits and the ‘futuristic’ vehicles all make for a pretty terrible film. MEGAFORCE is pure MST3K fodder and is probably best seen with a few drinks and a few friends so that you can all share in its hilarious badness. I'm giving this three stars only for the film’s cheesily ridiculous entertainment value.

DEATH WISH (1974) Review

Directed by: Michael Winner

Starring: Charles Bronson, Hope Lange, Vincent Gardenia

When it comes to vigilante revenge thrillers you can’t get much more iconic than the original DEATH WISH and its protagonist Paul Kersey. Becoming a veritable one man army he tasks himself with the mission of cleaning the scum from the mean streets of New York City after a home invasion leaves his wife dead and his daughter bruised both physically and mentally. And although this is far from the first movie to feature a single man waging a personal war against criminals it is easily one of the best examples out there.

Mild mannered Paul Kersey (Bronson) is an architect. He’s happily married with a lovely daughter and appears to be pretty comfortable both financially and in his personal life. But all of that changes when his wife and daughter become victim to a violent home invasion. Three thugs follow them home from the grocery store and pose as delivery boys to gain access to their apartment. Once inside they rough the women up as they search for money and then after displaying their disappointment at just how little cash is lying around they beat the shit out of Joanna (Lange) and tear off Carol's clothes before abusing her. A swift kick to Joanna’s head and they run off.
Joanna dies in the hospital but Paul’s daughter Carol is fine (physically at least) so Paul heads on down to the police station to see how the investigation is going. After getting a fairly blunt and disappointing reply Paul heads off on a work ‘vacation’ to Arizona to deal with a land development. Upon returning he is gifted with a shiny new .32 revolver which he will be using quite a lot in the coming days.
A chance run in with a mugger ends with the mugger dead and Paul holding the smoking gun. What follows is a one man mission to cleanse the streets of the city as Paul heads out at night looking for trouble with his .32. But as the bodies start piling up the police begin putting the pieces together and soon they are hot on Paul’s heels. Will they catch the vigilante killer?

I was always a little disappointed that Paul never gets revenge on the thugs responsible for his wife’s death but then I always took that to be a comment on the staggeringly high crime rate in the city at the time. This is confirmed when Paul talks to the detective heading the investigation and is told pretty much straight up that there’s not much hope of finding the offenders.

Without any real leads to follow up on Paul starts shooting up any criminals he comes across but his first victim is somewhat of an accident. I always liked the fact that he doesn't go from mild mannered, middle aged man straight to stone cold killer. The first time he shoots someone it visibly affects him and shakes him to his core. But once he realizes what he’s capable of he purposely goes out at night looking for trouble and dealing out his own brand of justice.

But simply labelling DEATH WISH as an avenger style film with an impressive body count would be to deny it its true power which comes in the form of the moral and ethical questions it raised. Can vigilantism be a good thing? To what lengths should a person go to defend themselves. The film makes an argument in favor of vigilantism by explaining the crime rate dropping after Paul’s attacks, but to its merit it also brings to light the other side of the coin. What effect will this vigilantism have in the long run? Will it whip the citizens into a frenzy where eventually they'll be attacking anybody who looks suspicious?

And although events start off pretty clean cut (Paul’s first victim is clearly attempting to mug him) they eventually wander into more ambiguous territory as Paul not only goes out seeking out muggers but even begins to shoot them while they are fleeing. This is when the notion of self-defense goes right out the window and you start questioning whether or not Paul really is doing the right thing.
Charles Bronson has never really been known as a particularly great actor but he does an outstanding job here as do just about everybody else. Even the very young Jeff Goldblum in his role as one of the thugs who invades Kersey’s apartment puts on a fittingly aggressive display.

DEATH WISH stands as el numero uno on my list of vigilante flicks but it is also much more than just that. It’s actually quite an intelligent film and is a product of its time and it does a good job of not glorifying vigilantism but instead offering arguments both for and against. On one hand you can just sit back and enjoy the ride as Paul Kersey doles out high velocity justice with his .32 revolver or you can go a bit deeper and ponder the moral questions the movie raises, really it’s up to you.
It’s not your usual Charles Bronson action fest and whether or not you'll enjoy it may depend upon your thoughts about crime and justice. I still highly recommend it to everybody though and I personally give it 9 dead muggers out of 10.

THE EXTERMINATOR (1980) Review

Directed by: James Glickenhaus

Starring: Robert Ginty, Christopher George, Steve James

Vigilante revenge flicks have always been a favorite of mine. Whether somebody has been raped or tortured or had their families killed it always feels good to see the victim get even, and then some.
THE EXTERMINATOR takes this most basic of premises and although it doesn’t really add anything new it still comes across as a decent DEATH WISH-like vigilante film.

The movie opens with an explosive Vietnam War prelude with bullets flying and bombs exploding all over the place. A small group of American soldiers find themselves surrounded and captured by the Viet Cong and after one of them is killed (in a surprisingly satisfying decapitation sequence) another soldier Mike (James) attacks the enemy and saves his fellow soldier John's (Ginty) life. Obviously taking place on a sound stage, this sequence was actually shot in only 4 days as an afterthought, perhaps to try and add something different to the film but more probably to give it a bit of an APOCALYPSE NOW vibe.

Post Vietnam and the two surviving American soldiers John Eastland and his pal Michael are settling into their civilian lives, but when Mike is mugged by a gang of street thugs calling themselves the Ghetto Ghouls, his neck is broken and he is left paralyzed and unable to speak. John swears revenge on the gang and becomes The Exterminator. But wreaking revenge on his pal’s muggers is only the first step. Next he needs a quick way to come up with some money for Mike’s family since Mike obviously can’t work anymore. Eventually he finds himself involved with an abused prostitute and soon he’s wiping all kinds of scum off of the streets. But of course not all of this goes unnoticed and soon the police and CIA are hot on his trail.
The traumatic experience of war is something I hope I’ll never have to go through, but we’ve all heard stories and seen films which show what can happen to a soldier’s mind (FIRST BLOOD being a perfect example). I suppose this was the reason the extra Vietnam scenes were added in afterwards, to give John a better excuse for flying completely off the handle.

And of course the film wants you to side with John Eastland so it throws in the type of villains you have to hate; thugs, gangsters and child molesters, leaving you to cheer on The Exterminator as he blows them all away. Well that’s the theory anyway, but John isn’t exactly the kind of guy you feel like cheering on. He’s much too bland a character and after he achieves revenge he really has no cause to kill anymore, so why does he?

After the decapitation at the movie’s beginning, I had expected the violence to continue throughout, but it’s really nowhere near as brutal or graphic as I had expected (or hoped) which was a bit disappointing.
There is a nice scene involving an industrial sized meat grinder but for an exploitation flick which was banned in more than one country you would expect to see a lot more explicit violence.

There is an unnecessary romantic sub-plot involving the cop James Dalton (George) jammed in there and also an underdeveloped plot involving the CIA which was very sloppily inserted in the film. The script and dialogue are pretty terrible (when asked what Vietnam was like, all that Detective Dalton can reply with is that “It was bad”) and the acting ranges from average to shit.

THE EXTERMINATOR isn't such a bad movie really, and for an exploitation flick it ticks all the boxes. It probably could have been a bit more violent in my opinion, but mostly by the time the credits roll the movie will make you realize just how much better a film like DEATH WISH is. Recommended for exploitation fans but others may be disappointed.

DEATH RACE 2000 (1975) Review

Directed by: Paul Bartel

Starring: David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, Simone Griffeth

In the far off futuristic year 2000 the United States of America is no more. Now a fascist police state, the United Provinces is run by Mr. President who satisfies the citizens with a new type of gladiatorial sport, the Annual Transcontinental Road Race. Far from being an ordinary race this one takes place across three days and finishing first isn't the only way to win. The competitors are encouraged to run down as many pedestrians as possible, with different age groups giving the drivers a certain amount of points. Teenagers are worth 40 points, toddlers and children under 12 earn 70 points and the big score is anybody over the age of 75, giving the driver a whopping 100 points each.

Five drivers and their navigators take part in the race but it is the mysterious driver Frankenstein (Carradine) who takes centre stage. The masked, caped man is the government's champion and has supposedly been rebuilt many times over after losing arms, legs, eyes and other body parts in previous races. He wears a mask to hide his horribly disfigured face.

But as simple as things may seem at first, there is a rogue element involved; a rebel group who's aim is to stop the race and take down the oppressive government. They've even managed to plant one of their own as a death race navigator...

Let's get something out of the way first; DEATH RACE 2000 is a badly made film. Roger Corman pretty much cobbled it together in a hurry to take advantage of the publicity for ROLLERBALL. He wanted a futuristic action, sports film and so optioned the short story The Racer by Ib Melchior and had it adapted into a screenplay. But when I say it's badly made that in no way means that it is a bad movie. It is in fact a very entertaining piece of b-movie exploitation, full of droll humor and satire and has deservedly gained a cult following and became the inspiration for the classic videogame Carmageddon. Some even argue that Darth Vader was modelled somewhat on Frankenstein which given their similarities seems entirely possible.

The acting is campy, the story and dialogue border on the ridiculous and the fight scene between Frankenstein and his rival Machine Gun Joe (Stallone) is the most hilarious and badly choreographed you will see, but I can't seem to help loving the shit out of this movie. And the droll humor comes thick and fast, with some hilarious moments like the 'Euthanasia Day' at the geriatric hospital and the government blaming the rebel attacks on the French. I also love the Wile E. Coyote type tricks that the rebels use, like the ol' fake tunnel gag.

Many people would say that DR2K glorifies violence but I think I'd have to disagree. To me it's just one big parody, in fact it parodies a lot of things but mostly America's obsession with cars, violence and sports. There's obviously an attempt at a political message here too but it's not as strong as it could be and I'm glad because I think if it were it might have detracted from the rest of the film.

For pure trashy, b-grade exploitation DEATH RACE 2000 is a brilliant movie and I think the best part about it is that even through Corman's aim was to piggyback off of ROLLERBALL, his DEATH RACE went on to become a much better and more widely celebrated film. A must-see for fans of exploitation, trash and b-movies. It also has one of Stallone's best performances (which admittedly isn't saying much).

Horror Feast: Post Apocalyptic Trash

What better way to celebrate surviving the end of the world than to sit back and watch some post apocalyptic trash? But rather than rewatch classics like ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK or MAD MAX (both of which I fucking love) I thought I'd instead watch some of the many films which came out in the 80s in a bid to cash in on the post nuke craze.

1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982)

The first film in Enzo G. Castellari's BRONX WARRIORS trilogy borrows heavily not only from the John Carpenter classic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, but also films like THE WARRIORS and even A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. The Bronx have been been cordoned off from the rest of society and with no law and order they have been declared a kind of no-man's land, ruled by the various gangs which inhabit the area. One of these gang's are a group of bikers led by their fearless leader Trash, and when the daughter of a large corporate president winds up in the Bronx, Trash takes it upon himself to protect her.
It's obvious the gangs are supposed to be cool and menacing in that WARRIORS style but between the ridiculous outfits, face paint and choreography they just come off as silly. A tap dancing gang? Really? However if you can look past the flaws (of which there are many) there are a few good scenes in here and this is a great film to watch and have a laugh with a few friends and a few beers. There are also a few nice additions to the cast with George Eastman (who is in a LOT of these post nuke movies) and blaxploitation legend Fred Williamson.

ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (1983)

The year after BRONX WARRIORS was released this sequel came along with the return of director Enzo G. Castellari and a couple of the original cast members; most importantly Mark Gregory who steps back into the role of Trash. 10 years on from the events of the first film and things in the Bronx aren't looking so good.
The GC Corporation has plans to demolish and rebuild the entire area to make it nice and liveable again, but first it needs to vacate the inhabitants. Disinfestation squads are sent in to wipe everybody out to make way for demolition. But of course Trash doesn't take kindly to this idea and along with a group of underground thugs they come up with a plan to kidnap the President of the corporation.
The whole movie is action packed and full of explosions, gunshots and flame throwers. Although there is barely any gore the body count is huge and there's plenty of slow-motion bodies flying through the air. It's still cheesy and full of the things which made the first movie so terrible (and awesome) but I'd have to say that this sequel is a lot more entertaining that the original. If you liked the first movie then you'll probably appreciate this too.



THE NEW BARBARIANS (1983)

Even though these three films are referred to as the Bronx Warriors Trilogy, THE NEW BARBARIANS (aka WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND) really isn't connected at all apart from having the same director and some returning cast members, namely Fred Williamson and George Eastman. And this time around it seems that Mr Castellari has decided to rip off George Miller's THE ROAD WARRIOR.
A group of wasteland warriors who call themselves the Templars are on a mission to exterminate all surviving humans as punishment for being born, or something. Luckily for everybody else Mad Max Scorpion and his pal Nadir have come to save the day!
Things to look out for here are the ridiculous Templar outfits with huge shoulder pads, the strange rape scene and of course the fact that everything seems to be spray painted silver to look more er... futuristic. The best thing about the whole movie? The awesome electro soundtrack from Goblin's Claudio Simonetti. The movie is worth checking out for that alone.

SHE WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND (1988)

Most post apocalyptic films are dominated by men, but SHE WOLVES (aka PHOENIX THE WARRIOR) is the exact opposite. The entire male population of Earth has been wiped out by some type of bacteriological virus and has left only small tribes of female warriors to fend for themselves in the wasteland. One tribe is led by the mystical (and fucking hideous) Reverend Mother who has discovered that a woman named Keela is pregnant with a male child. She sends her right hand woman Cobalt (Persis Khambatta from STAR TREK) to find the child so that the Reverend Mother can become all powerful and create some sort of super race. Phoenix (Halloween 4's Kathleen Kinmont) takes it upon herself to protect Keela and her child.
This is a terribly written and acted film full of cheesy scenes. On the plus side we get to see topless babes bathing underneath waterfalls and some pretty neat girl on girl fighting. Unfortunately the ending is just about as underwhelming as you could expect.



2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983)

Yet another film trying to cash in on ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, complete with a Snake Plissken lookalike and a bunch of PLANET OF THE APES rejects. The protagonist Parsifal (yes that's really his name) is sent into the bowels of New York in search of what just may be the only fertile woman left on the planet. Success will grant him a seat on a space flight so that a new colony of humans can begin on a distant planet. George Eastman appears for the third time on this list, this time as the leader of a group of ape people.
Nobody quite makes these rip-off exploitations movies quite like the Italians did in the 80s and 2019 is a fun film with a lot of action, violence, gunfights and a nice synth score.
In all honesty the film is pretty lousy in regards to writing, acting and most other areas, but it's a nice addition to the Italian post nuke exploitation genre and has its fair share of enjoyable scenes.

THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS (2012) Review

Directed by: RZA

Starring: RZA, Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu

As far as Tarantino-directed movies go I fucking love them all (definitely looking forward to DJANGO UNCHAINED) but the films with 'Quentin Tarantino Presents..." plastered all over their posters and dvd cases are an entirely different story. HERO? Loved it. HELLRIDE? Complete crap. So I was a bit wary in the lead-up to watching IRON FISTS. What eventually won me over was Eli Roth's name and even though I'm not a Wu-Tang fan at all, I know of their affinity with all things kung fu and so I was pretty sure RZA could at least craft a half decent throwback film. As for his acting ability... well that's a different matter entirely.

The plot is fairly simple. RZA plays a blacksmith who lives and works in a small village in feudal china. This village is also home to several warring factions including a group of warriors known as the Lion Clan. The leader Gold Lion is betrayed and killed by Silver Lion. Gold Lion's son X-Blade understandably wants revenge and along the way joins up with the blacksmith and Jack Knife (Crowe) a British emissary for the Emperor.
There's also a ton of gold being fought over, a brothel full of assassin whores and a beefcake who can change his skin into bronze. Add in a cast of eclectic characters, some wacky weapons and an assload of fight sequences and that pretty much wraps things up.

I'm confused as to why I've been hearing so much bad feedback in regards to this film. What exactly do people expect from a kung fu movie directed by one of the Wu-Tang clan and a tagline which reads 'You can't spell Kung Fu without F and U'? The trailer itself is enough to inform you that what you're going to watch is an homage to all of the old chop socky flicks of the 70s. It's not supposed to be a serious film so nobody should take it seriously.

IRON FISTS does definitely have its issues though, the biggest I think being that the movie focuses on RZA's blacksmith character. It's almost as if an old kung fu movie has been taken and the blacksmith character has been spliced in. I would have preferred if it focused on X-Blade and his quest for vengeance rather than RZA and his emotionless performance for an hour and a half. His narration isn't any better either.
The story is quite disjointed too although this may be due to the fact that the original cut was four hours long and they've decided to slice it down to a mere 90 minutes. That's a lot of missing footage. Russell Crowe's character didn't really add much to the film either and most of the time I was wondering why the fuck he was even there.

On the plus side however the movie looks fucking great. The costumes and sets are really nicely designed and detailed, the weapons are inventive, there's plenty of blood and dismemberment and the fight choreography is great. The dialogue isn't the best but whether this is done purposely to reference those cheesy kung fu flicks of old I can't be sure. There are also a heap of film references in here to if you keep an eye out. The overall style of the film is heavily reminiscent of some of Tarantino's work especially KILL BILL (the inclusion of Lucy Liu doesn't help) as well as classic kung fu films and anime. The fight scenes involve a lot of that physics-defying action that you see in a lot of martial arts films and the crazy hair and eyebrows bring back memories of watching that cheesy fucking TV show MONKEY MAGIC.

So the story may not be great, the dialogue and acting may be sub-par and the main character is an emotionless bore, but personally I think the entertainment factor and the sheer ludicrous fun easily make-up for these flaws. If you're a fan of classic kung fu films you're in for a treat, as long as you don't take this movie too seriously. It's far from the best movie I've seen this year but it's far from the worst as well. Would I watch it again? Probably. Would I recommend it to my friends? Easily.

THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) Review

Directed by: Simon West

Starring: Every big, burly, badass, beefcake action hero ever

If testosterone ever decided to write, star in and direct a movie you could probably expect to see something similar to THE EXPENDABLES 2. The simple premise behind THE EXPENDABLES was to try and make THE AVENGERS of action movies. Basically gather the baddest motherfuckers together to create an unstoppable force of bullets and muscle. Although the first film didn't quite deliver on what it promised, the sequel has taken everything and cranked it up to 11 and in doing so has created an infinitely entertaining piece of mindless and destructive action.

Barney Ross (Stallone) and his team of tough as nails mercenaries are approached by CIA agent Church (Willis) and tasked with recovering some sensitive cargo which was aboard a plane when it crashed. It's supposed to be a quick and easy paycheck for the Expendables but of course things don't go to plan and one of their crew ends up being killed by the ruthless villain (who coincidentally is named Vilain) played by Jean-Claude Van Damme. It seems a bit of revenge is in order. Expendables style.

Joining the cast from the first movie are the living legend Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude as mentioned, Liam Hemsworth as crack sniper Bill the Kid and Nan Yu as the innocent looking but totally capable Maggie.
Jet Li drops out early in the film which I had no problems with at all with because along with Jason Statham I never really thought he fit in that well. Unfortunately Statham is in for the long haul. But the combined forces of Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Norris, Lundgren and co. creates more than enough awesome to cancel out Statham's douchiness.

The movie get straight into the action, skipping the usual opening credits and indeed the film's title doesn't appear until around the 14 minute mark. The fast-paced introduction has explosions, bullets flying every which way, bodies piling up and finally the Expendables making their narrow escape. It is a pretty epic beginning and acts as a sign of what's to come.
The next mission which is the main focus of the movie has them run into Vilain and his vicious militants and introduces us to the Jean-Claude and his portrayal of an all round bad guy which I think he did a pretty good job at. It's the second villain he's played this year, the other being in the latest UNIVERSAL SOLDIER film.

When the Expendables lose one of their own to Vilain all hell breaks loose and Barney and his gang will stop at nothing to get revenge for their fallen comrade in addition to recovering the cargo they were hired to collect in the first place.
What follows is a huge war between the two groups with plenty of guns, bodies, explosions, zip-lines, an array of locations and a truckload of cheesy one-liners and terrible but hilarious jokes. The jokes and one-liners might seem downright stupid to a lot of people but I for one think that they added a lot more humor to the film and showed that the filmmakers and actors alike weren't taking themselves too seriously. There are references to DIE HARD, RAMBO, THE TERMINATOR and there's even a Chuck Norris joke thrown in for good measure.

This may all just sound like a lot of mindless, violent fun - but that's exactly the point! Nobody should be taking this movie too seriously, all you need to do is sit back, strap yourself in and enjoy the ride. Nobody here is in danger of winning a best actor award any time soon, but the explosive fun and fast pace and film references here are exactly what fans of these ageing action heroes want to see. This is ten times more fun and enjoyable than the first film and a must see for action fans. It is lacking in a few departments and some of the new characters didn't really add much to it, and the big finale between Barney and Vilain isn't as climactic as it could have been but apart from those few problems this is non-stop action and fun from start to finish. I wonder how THE EXPENDABLES 3 plans to top this?

COBRA (1986) Review

Directed by: George P. Cosmatos

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Brian Thompson

When I was a kid my dad was a huge Stallone fan so I grew up seeing pretty much every Sly film out there from CLIFFHANGER to FIRST BLOOD to ROCKY and so on and so forth. Out of all of them though I gotta say that COBRA has always been a favorite, and since it's been years since I've actually watched it I thought it would be a good idea to see if I still enjoy it as much as I did when I was a kid.

When you get down to it COBRA is not much more than a rehash of the Eastwood classic DIRTY HARRY albeit repainted with a glossy coat of 80s action. Title character Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti (Stallone) is a cop who works on the LA Zombie Squad, doing jobs that no other cop wants to do. He's tough on crime and has earned himself a reputation for shooting first and asking questions later. And then shooting some more.
'The Cobra' is called in to help deal with a suspected serial killer who has murdered 16 people in only a month. But before long he finds himself charged with protecting a sole witness (Nielsen) from an army of psychopaths calling themselves the New World Order and led by the so called Night Slasher (Thompson).
To make things worse this crazed cult has an insider on the police force and are prepared to do anything possible to remove the only witness to their crimes.

Directed by George P. Cosmatos (FIRST BLOOD PART II) from a screenplay written by Stallone himself, it's pretty easy to predict exactly what kind of movie this is going to be even before watching it. The thin plot is simply a jumping point for a lot of senseless violence and over the top action sequences, giving Cobretti the perfect opportunity to spout of some cheesy one-liners. But you know what? Sometimes that's all an action movie needs to be. I fully acknowledge that Stallone will never be the kind of guy to win a slew of awards for his acting (unless you count Razzies as he's certainly won a lot of them including one for Worst Actor of the Century) and I know that he will probably never even master the ability to speak properly but when it comes to portraying badass action heroes (or anti-heroes) he's one of the best. His Cobretti character never received as much attention as John Rambo or Rocky Balboa but dammit I think he should have. COBRA did a fine job establishing him as a cool as ice, laid-back badass with the opening sequence in which Cobretti is called in to deal with an armed man terrorizing a supermarket. When the crim produces a pipe bomb and threatens to blow up the store Cobretti replies with "Go ahead, I don't shop here" - one of the more memorable lines from the movie along with the other "You're a disease - and I'm the cure" right before blowing the guy away. What a badass.

COBRA often borders on parody (hell a few times it crosses the line completely) and it borrows heavily and unashamedly from the DIRTY HARRY movies. A few examples - Reni Santoni plays Cobretti's partner, and he also played Harry's partner in the 1971 film. Both Cobretti and Harry have their own signature weapons (the .44 Magnum for the latter while the formers carries a Colt .45 with custom Cobra grip) Even the intro monologue sequence of COBRA is reminiscent of MAGNUM FORCE.
The movie is also chock full of clichés including the high octane car chase where they seem to track down the bumpiest road imaginable through the the final showdown between Cobretti and the Night Slasher.

So obviously COBRA isn't exactly what you'd call a fantastic movie, but as far as brainless, bullet riddled action goes it's pretty damn entertaining and you could do far, far worse. So I stand by my earlier statement that this is one of my favorite Stallone movies, even if nostalgia plays a big part in that. It is still entertaining as hell to watch Stallone standing in the back of a moving pickup while mowing down an army of motorcycle-riding bad guys with his sub-machinegun. Essential viewing for Sly fans and worthwhile for anybody who enjoys the inimitabe action films of the 80s.

RESIDENT EVIL: DAMNATION (2012) Review

Directed by: Makoto Kamiya

Starring (voices): Matthew Mercer, Courtenay Taylor, Robin Sachs

Aside from Paul W.S. Anderson’s live action RE films, another franchise has popped up over the last few years in the form of two full CG animated movies. And if you’re a fan of the RE videogames then these animated movies will probably be more to your liking than their live action counterparts. In fact you could even think of them simply as feature length cut scenes. The second and most recent of these movies is DAMNATION, and although (like the more recent videogames) it doesn’t contain a single zombie it still retains the overall feel of the games and is in my opinion much more enjoyable than any of Anderson’s RE films.

If I were to place DAMNATION somewhere in the RE timeline it would probably sit comfortably in between RE5 and the upcoming RE6. It follows BSAA agent Leon Kennedy who has been inserted into the volatile Eastern Slav Republic, a small country which is currently in the midst of a civil war. But what Leon is more interested in are the reports that BOWs (Bio-Organic Weapons) are being used. So obviously that means we are going to see a lot of the Las Plagas, Ganados, Lickers and so on.
After an encounter with one of the aforementioned Lickers in an underground parking lot, Leon finds himself captured by a resistance group and interrogated. But before they can get their answers they are under attack from the military and in the commotion they scatter. Leon catches up with one of his captors JD and after saving his life they form an uneasy alliance. Things escalate when Leon runs into Ada Wong and it soon becomes obvious that everything is not as it seems. New dominant Las Plagas have been produced which can create master/slave relationships between humans and BOWs, essentially meaning that humans can control these monsters, but the organisms are unstable. As he delves deeper Leon finds that the government and even the country’s president are involved in the cultivation and production of these dominant Las Plagas.

While the government, the resistance and the BSAA (in the form of Leon) are the key groups in this story, strangely there is a noticeable absence of the Umbrella Corporation. It’s not necessarily a bad thing I just thought it was quite bizarre as it is usually a staple of the RESIDENT EVIL world.

And while it does sadden me that Capcom have seemingly abandoned those good old fashioned zombies for the faster and more aggressive Ganados and Majini, this is probably as close to the videogames as you’re going to get. Indeed it is very much embedded in the style of the later games like RE4 and RE5 (and probably RE6) and so it definitely doesn’t have that claustrophobic, creepy feeling that the earlier games had (the first RE scared the crap out of me when I was a kid). But despite that it is still quite a good continuation of the RESIDENT EVIL story.

It’s better than DEGENERATION was, which is good news (although I didn’t think that DEGENERATION was such a bad movie either) and it’s better by far than probably all of the live action movies, at least in my opinion. The action comes thick and fast and relatively early in the film which is good, and soon it becomes a mélange of Ganados, Lickers and the daunting Tyrants (I swear those fuckers get bigger every time I see them). The fight scenes are as well choreographed as their live action counterparts and the animations look nice and just about as realistic as you can get with CGI. And I was very impressed with the English voice acting which was surprising.

If I had one main problem it was definitely with the script, mostly the unnecessarily cheesy one-liners peppered throughout Leon’s dialogue. And some of the characters were a bit over the top (JD is almost a parody with his obsession with everything American) but otherwise I had a good time with this and definitely recommend it if you enjoyed DEGENERATION. I would still prefer a movie more in the vein of the earlier RE games but this will have to do for now.

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION 3D (2012) Review

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez

The last 10 years have given birth to 5 RESIDENT EVIL feature films (7 if you include the two animated movies) and I can only imagine that there will be more to come. I actually thought the first film was a decent effort, but then with each progressive sequel the franchise quickly became tired and it was all just more of the same. But one thing is certain with the RE films, and that's the fact that Milla Jovovich will spend almost all of her screen time kicking ass in a skin-tight outfit. I mean that's the only reason half of us go to see these films right?

Beginning with a fancy slow-motion reverse action sequence, RETRIBUTION picks up from where AFTERLIFE left us. We are then treated to an unnecessary recap of the entire freaking franchise before the reverse slo-mo action sequence we just watched plays through again, this time at full speed and the right way around. Somehow Paul W.S. Anderson has managed to turn a 30 second action sequence into a 5 minute spectacle. But anyway, back to the 'story'. Alice (Jovovich) is knocked out and wakes up to find herself in a secret Umbrella facility, her old pal Jill Valntine (Guillory) is interrogating her. Soon somebody hacks the computers and Alice is busted out of her chamber only to find herself strangely in the centre of what looks like Tokyo. Zombies attack, she kills them and so on and so forth. She meets Ada Wong who tells her that Albert Wesker is helping her escape, and she isn't in Tokyo but instead a secret underwater Umbrella facility where bioweapons tests are carried out. The facility is used to simulate cities like Moscow, New York and Tokyo. Wesker has sent a team down to help free Alice because they need her to help save mankind or something. 

In short, Alice and friends are trapped in an underground facility, and they have to escape. It's as simple as that really. There's some stuff about clones and a little girl Alice becomes attached to but those things aren't really important. Otherwise though this is just the same as the previous franchise entries, albeit a lot bigger. 

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION could almost be called the ultimate RE film because they have tried to cram absolutely everything they could think of into it. Fight scenes across New York City, Moscow and Tokyo, zombies, Las Plagas, lickers (giant motherfucking lickers), those humongous axe-men and bullets flying all over the damn place. They've even recycled some elements from previous films, that slice-and-dice laser grid from the first movie is back, the Red Queen makes another appearance, and even characters who died are back for more. It's completely over-the-top fucking ridiculous. But is that a bad thing? Well not really, because I'm assuming most people aren't expecting Oscar winning performances or character driven storylines when they go see an RE film. When you see one you expect slow-motion, physics-defying action sequences, guns that never run out of ammo, hordes of zombies, explosions and Milla kicking serious ass.
And that's exactly what this film delivers. 

Having said that, it still isn't a great movie. Although it's probably one of the best in the franchise (and that's not really saying much) it still has plenty of flaws. Too much CGI, terrible acting (Sienna Guillory is most guilty of this), and too many added elements which really don't need to be there. It also uses the 3D to throw lots of things towards the screen, but that's about it. It's not very immersive. But as I said, this is exactly what you'd expect from one of these movies, nothing more, nothing less. And at least it's better than AFTERLIFE which is a step in the right direction. And of course the ending is just begging for yet another sequel so stay tuned for that.