SAMURAI ZOMBIE (2008) Review

Directed by: Tak Sakaguchi

Starring: Mitsuro Fukukoshi, Issei Ishida, Tak Sakaguchi

A lot of Japanese zombie films such as BIG TITS ZOMBIE, ONECHANBARA, WILD ZERO and a whole host of others tend to be in that really over the top goofy, cartoony style that the Japanese seem to love so much. As such they really present themselves as almost parodies rather than actual horror flicks. And when you look at the filmography of actor / director Tak Sakaguchi and see such films as DEADBALL, BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL and TOKYO GORE POLICE it would be easy to assume that SAMURAI ZOMBIE is going to be just another wacky Japanese zombie flick with gallons of blood. I was however surprised to find that it takes a much darker and more serious approach to the genre and as much as I love a batshit crazy splatterfest I found this to be a refreshing change.

A man and his family are on a road trip through the quaint countryside when out of nowhere a man appears in the middle of the road pointing a gun. Unable to stop, the driver ploughs through the gunman before skidding to a halt. Far from dead the man with the gun rises and takes aim once again when suddenly a volley of gunshots rings out and bullets rip through his back. A second gunman appears along with his female partner and they take the family hostage, forcing them to drive through the cursed countryside where the dead never really die.

The rest of the film is basically a siege with the handful of people trapped and being stalked by deadly Samurai zombies. The main zombie in full Samurai armor looks totally badass and acts as almost a Japanese Jason Voorhees, constantly getting up after being knocked down. He decapitates his victims and uses the blood from their severed heads to raise more zombies. All of the zombie effects here are surprisingly good and a far cry from the simply greenish grey facepaint I'm used to seeing in Japanese zombie flicks. And the zombies are only really zombies in the sense that they are resurrected corpses. They're not the usual shambling, neck chomping sort but a more aggressive and even intelligent type. In fact in a way the film plays out more like a ghost story.

The story which follows the main group of people is pretty weak and very confusing as not a lot is ever really explained. There is what I assume is supposed to be a twist at the film's end but it just made things even more confusing and felt tacked on in my opinion. There is also a bit of subplot involving two police officers which adds a little humor to the movie but not much else. The acting is not exactly what you'd call award-winning but it is a lot better than I expected and everybody does a decent job. Even though I mentioned this isn't as bizarre or over the top as something like TOKYO GORE POLICE or THE MACHINE GIRL you can see a bit of that Japanese trademark creep in during the decapitation scenes which are followed by an impossibly huge fountain of blood spurting from people's neck-holes. All in all though I actually thought that SAMURAI ZOMBIE was a decent effort if a little bland and quite confusing. But if you're expecting another Japanese splatterfest you will be disappointed.

BIG TITS ZOMBIE (2010) Review

Directed by: Takao Nakano

Starring: Sola Aoi, Risa Kasumi, Mari Sakurai

BIG TITS ZOMBIE. The title alone is probably enough for anybody to decide whether or not they really want to watch it. Alternative titles include BIG TITS DRAGON (which confused me because there isn't a single dragon in the entire film) and OSEN ZOMBIE VS. STRIPPER 5 (still confusing because I'm certain there aren't four previous flicks). Further investigation shows that director Takao Nakano is responsible for straight-to-video films with titles such as SEXUAL PARASITE: KILLER PUSSY and SUMO VIXENS. Still can't make up your mind? Well what if I told you that more than one of the female stars also work in the Japanese adult film business? In fact I remember reading the press release for this film and it went out of its way to promote Sola Aoi, pointing out her bust, waist and hip measurements and even her nickname "Baby Face Big Tits". I swear I'm not making this shit up. Oh and to top it all off the movie was filmed in 'tittylicious 3D' which turns out to be regular old anaglyphic 3D.

I'm sure by now you've realized that what passes for plot in a film like this is pretty much irrelevant but I'll run through it anyway. A troupe of strippers discover a hidden door which leads to a secret passage which in turn leads them to find an ancient tome which just so happens to be the Book of the Dead. Maria (Sakurai) is the only person who believes in the book's power and to prove it she reads aloud a few passages which are supposed to raise the dead. At first nothing happens but soon they find themselves surrounded by zombies. Cue a lot of titties, chainsaws, katanas and digital blood. Oh and a fire-breathing vagina (see below).

Now obviously this film is aimed at the male population and the big drawcard here is the three words which comprise the title. These three words bring up three questions. How many tits do we get to see? Just how big are they? And what's the zombie quotient?
As memory serves there are only two pair of tits which probably get a couple of minutes of screen time and at one point a thick drenching of blood. They're not considerably big I suppose but you won't hear me arguing that point. The camera does like to zoom in for lots of close-up crotch and ass shots but keeping with Japanese tradition we don't see any genitals. As for the zombies there is quite a substantial number and they range from geisha zombies to samurai zombies, nurse zombies and even a dried fish zombie and some fresh sushi zombies.

The main cast may be pretty damn hot but as you would imagine the acting is dreadful. At one point these strippers put on a stage show which is incredibly boring (strippers boring?) and all of the girls look extremely uninterested. The zombie effects are pretty amateur and the film is rife with CGI blood sprays. The silver lining here is that the movie is only 73 minutes long and a lot of that time is spent showing scantily clad women shaking their sexy bodies about. BIG TITS ZOMBIE is everything you would expect it to be but in a way it may be less than what you would expect. It's not nearly as perverted or bizarre as it could be but it does deliver on the title's promise and if that's good enough for you then that's all that matters. As for me I found it to be an entertaining way to spend 73 minutes but nothing special or worth revisiting. Four big tits out of ten.

THE PROSPECTOR'S CURSE (2013) Short Film Review

Directed by: Josh Heisie

Starring: Dave Roberts, Johnny Quinn, Robert Nolan

Around about a year ago is when I first heard about THE PROSPECTOR'S CURSE and I have to admit I was looking forward to it quite a lot because aside from horror movies I also have a particular love for westerns, both the American John Ford kind and the spaghetti type. So a western themed horror flick would seem right up my alley.

A murderous yet feeble-minded oaf by the name of Tubby (Roberts) has paired up with smooth talking snake-oil salesman Jack (Quinn), leaving the angry cries of cheated townsfolk in their wake. Along their travels they come across an old, dying prospector (Nolan) clutching a bag of gold in one hand and a map in the other.
With his dying breath he asks the pair to deliver the gold to his family and to give him a proper Christian burial when he passes on. He seems particularly vehement about that last bit because the ground he is lying on is an old Indian burial ground. But when Jack takes a look inside the bag he gets gold fever and despite Tubby's initial objections they both head off to mine the prospector's claim while they still have time.
But as we all know an Indian burial ground is nothing to joke about and the failure to honor the prospector's final wish might just come back to haunt them.

In all honesty when I sit down to watch a short film I don't really expect a whole lot, although by now I've certainly seen enough to know that they can be just as enjoyable and effective as a feature length film. THE PROSPECTOR'S CURSE is an impressive combination of western, comedy and horror which easily entertains throughout its 15 minute running time. Another thing that caught me by surprise is just how professional and well crafted this short was. Everything from the lighting, the locations, the period props and costumes and the gore and make-up effects are all top notch. I should also mention that the make-up and effects are all practical which automatically scores bonus points from me. The acting was great also from Roberts, Quinn and Nolan (Robert Nolan being a favourite of mine ever since seeing him in WORM and FAMILIAR).

Also worth mentioning is that THE PROSPECTOR'S CURSE is the first part in what will eventually become and anthology a la CREEPSHOW or TALES FROM THE CRYPT, with each part focusing on a different aspect of horror such as slasher films and creature features. It just so happens that I'm a pretty big fan of anthologies and if the other parts are as enjoyable as this one then I'm most definitely looking forward to it.

BLOODLUST ZOMBIES (2011) Review

Directed by: Dan Lantz

Starring: Alexis Texas, Janice Marie, Adam Danoff

Adult star Alexis Texas gets top billing in this low budget zombie / infected flick about a virus which gets unleashed in a research facility. But is the name of a pornstar (I will refer to her as such from now on. Fuck that adult film star bullshit, she's a fucking pornstar!) really enough to lure people in to see a flick which would have otherwise completely passed them by? Well it was good enough for me. Hey, don't judge me. One of last year's best films EXCISION featured a fantastic performance by ex-pornstar Traci Lords which proves it is possible to successfully make the transition from porn to mainstream cinema. It's just very, very rare. In this case it didn't work. At all.

As mentioned previously this film takes place in a research facility. It's after hours and the team are celebrating after successful trials of some mysterious virus concocted for military use. A mishap in the lab releases the virus and the whole building is put under lockdown. The people trapped inside need to stay alive until help arrives. The only problem is that nobody is coming and the building is rapidly filling with 28 DAYS LATER style Rage victims.

Ok so let's get the obvious out of the way first. Alexis Texas can't act. She may do a good job of shaking her ass and taking a cock in any one of her orifices but she can't act for shit. Fortunately she does briefly get her tits out but it's not really enough to justify having a pornstar in the movie. Plus everybody knows that her ass is her best feature, so why focus on the tits? Who knows?
During the majority of the film when she is clothed she runs around stumbling over her dialogue and generally just being an irritating bitch. Also she has the most annoying scream ever.

Fortunately for Alexis (but not for us) the rest of the cast is not much better and not only is the acting terrible but so are the characters and all of the dialogue. Darren (Danoff) is an overly douchey douchebag who's one soul purpose in the film seems to be making immature jokes and just being an all around prick. But it's not even his character that is the problem, after all we've all seen these douchebag asshole characters played perfectly well before. Think Stifler from AMERICAN PIE or even Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE. Darren is just a dick.
The security officer (played by director Dan Lantz) is a stereotypical lazy lump who sits on his ass reading manuals. The temp Libby seems to have no place in the story at all. Why is her foot broken? Why is she even there after hours if she's just a temp? Why is she carrying a gun around? Most of the characters are more like caricatures.

So now lets get to the gore, after all this is a zombie film right? Well yes and no. It's not really a zombie film (one character even explains why they're not zombies) but there is a lot of blood and fortunately it's almost entirely practical. Unfortunately it looks fake as fuck. And there are way too many neck bites and head shots (how about some variety?). Along with Alexis' breasts there are another two pairs we get to see briefly although they do belong to some unsexy infected freaks.

In all honesty I can sadly see a market for this type of film, but I hope that it is mostly people who just want to get drunk and have a laugh. If you came for Alexis you will be severely disappointed and the same goes if you were looking for some neat gore, suspense or scares. Avoid it like the plague. I give this two stars, one for each of Alexis Texas' tits.

DECAY (2012) Review

Directed by: Luke Thompson

Starring: Zoe Hatherell, Tom Procter, Stewart Martin-Haugh

You know what I like? Free horror movies. You know what I don’t like so much? The endless spewing forth of shit zombie films. There are so many it’s as though I could throw a rock blindfolded and still manage to hit about ten of them. However there is one thing that can persuade me to check out a new zombie flick and that’s the promise of something new and fresh. Sure, a lot of the time these claims turn out to be complete bullshit but what about in the case of DECAY? A free movie set and filmed at the CERN Large Hadron Collider… with zombies? I know what you’re thinking; did I just read that right? Yes. Yes you did. But an awesome premise means nothing if the movie can’t match up to it, so how does DECAY stack up?

 As has already been mentioned, DECAY takes place at the CERN Institute, primarily inside the world’s largest particle collider nestled 100 metres underneath France and Switzerland. Four physics students (played by real life physics students apparently) are volunteered to man the control room during the absence of one of the professors who is leading a technical team down into the tunnels to fix some kind of problem. Suddenly and inexplicably the Large Hadron Collider begins running seemingly by its own volition, an event that shouldn’t be able to take place while there are people down there. After some panicking one of the students shuts the machine down, but not before it has baked everybody in the tunnels with a lethal amount of Higgs radiation. With the phones down and the elevator not running, the only way out is through the access tunnels. But has the radiation really killed the technical crew?

I’ll bet a few of you who are reading this are wondering the same thing I was worrying about at first. Are these actual zombies? Or just some irradiated CHERNOBYL DIARIES type freaks? Well rest assured they are zombies in as much as they are reanimated corpses (it’s all explained in the movie with science and stuff). And what better place to put a bunch of zombies than an isolated, claustrophobic, subterranean maze?
Unfortunately although this would seem to be the perfect environment for some creepy, panicky, and action-packed moments I don’t feel that the filmmakers really got as much out of the location as they could have. Since the film was supposedly shot at the actual LHC maybe they had to hold back in fear of doing damage to the equipment? I don’t know. Regardless they still did a good job of creating an appropriate atmosphere with flickering lights, shadows, the distant gurgling and moaning of zombies and any sounds seemingly amplified in the dead silence.

And what about the effects? I hear you ask. Well I hate to say it but there’s a bunch of kind of dodgy looking CGI and not enough practical going on here. And the film also commits one of the worst effects sins ever; CGI blood. I can’t understand why any film should be using digital blood, unless that blood is being used for an effect which would be impossible otherwise. I can understand that the budget here wasn’t huge but really I would have preferred having no digital blood, even if it meant less blood overall in the film.

I should mention that the entire film doesn’t take place in the Collider, in fact there is a fairly sizeable chunk at the beginning where we see the students getting ready for some kind of emergency meeting. There’s some character development and some kind of love triangle introduced but it’s not very deep and all it did was make me want the radioactive zombie action to start already.

So overall DECAY isn’t a great film but then I don’t know all of the details. If it really was shot at the CERN Super Collider maybe there were safety and time restraints to deal with. I still think it could have ditched the CGI blood or at least toned it down. But hey the movie’s free so I can’t complain too much. Check it out if you’re a fan of zombie flicks, after all what have you got to lose apart from 75 minutes of your life?

MONSTER BRAWL (2012) Review

Directed by: Jesse T. Cook

Starring: Dave Foley, Art Hindle, Robert Maillet

Creature mash-ups are always an interesting concept and have been around since way back. From FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN  to ALIEN VS. PREDATOR and even the Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comic books. But MONSTER BRAWL is quite possibly the biggest monster mash of all.

Presented like a televised wrestling or boxing match, MONSTER BRAWL brings an array of movie monsters together (Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman, a zombie and a witch among others) and pits them against each other in a series of fights until only two remain to brawl for the Heavyweight championship. As far as story goes that’s about it. In between matches there are short introductory sequences for each creature but they aren't much more than just filler.

I will admit that after I read the synopsis for this movie I thought it sounded pretty fucking badass. I had mental images of the combatants tearing each other open, dismembering each other, beating their opponents to death with their own disembodies limbs and other such graphic delights. 

So when the first fight was about to begin, I sat in anticipation of the imminent violence… and was extremely disappointed. 

The fights are incredibly unspectacular, which is a shame because they’re the whole concept on which this movie is built. If the fights were as good as I was expecting then I could have easily forgiven MONSTER BRAWL for some of its other shortcomings. But no, each match seemed to be just as dull as the one preceding it. Even the final heavyweight championship bout (which you would expect to be the climax of the film) was decidedly anticlimactic. That’s not to say that there weren't some interesting and clever moments (the mummy using his sun-god amulet to burn his vampire foe’s flesh for example) but they were few and far between. On a more positive note, there were a lot of neat looking make-up and practical effects and there is a little gore although I would have loved to see more.

One interesting aspect I have to mention is the use of Lance Henriksen’s voice. When the opening credits revealed his voice would be involved I thought he may have been commentating the fights, but instead he provides brief comments in a Mortal Kombat style which are peppered throughout each of the fights.

All in all MONSTER BRAWL is just big, stupid fun. It’s easy to sit down with a few beers and be entertained but it is a shame that the scenes which make up the core of the film (the fights) are not nearly as spectacular as they could have been. And let’s be honest, when you sit down to watch a movie about mythical creatures fighting it out in a boxing ring in the middle of a cemetery, you’re not going to expect groundbreaking cinema. MONSTER BRAWL is a fun concept but ultimately flawed in execution, nevertheless it’s entertaining enough to check out if you’re a fan of creature features.

RESIDENT EVIL: DAMNATION (2012) Review

Directed by: Makoto Kamiya

Starring (voices): Matthew Mercer, Courtenay Taylor, Robin Sachs

Aside from Paul W.S. Anderson’s live action RE films, another franchise has popped up over the last few years in the form of two full CG animated movies. And if you’re a fan of the RE videogames then these animated movies will probably be more to your liking than their live action counterparts. In fact you could even think of them simply as feature length cut scenes. The second and most recent of these movies is DAMNATION, and although (like the more recent videogames) it doesn’t contain a single zombie it still retains the overall feel of the games and is in my opinion much more enjoyable than any of Anderson’s RE films.

If I were to place DAMNATION somewhere in the RE timeline it would probably sit comfortably in between RE5 and the upcoming RE6. It follows BSAA agent Leon Kennedy who has been inserted into the volatile Eastern Slav Republic, a small country which is currently in the midst of a civil war. But what Leon is more interested in are the reports that BOWs (Bio-Organic Weapons) are being used. So obviously that means we are going to see a lot of the Las Plagas, Ganados, Lickers and so on.
After an encounter with one of the aforementioned Lickers in an underground parking lot, Leon finds himself captured by a resistance group and interrogated. But before they can get their answers they are under attack from the military and in the commotion they scatter. Leon catches up with one of his captors JD and after saving his life they form an uneasy alliance. Things escalate when Leon runs into Ada Wong and it soon becomes obvious that everything is not as it seems. New dominant Las Plagas have been produced which can create master/slave relationships between humans and BOWs, essentially meaning that humans can control these monsters, but the organisms are unstable. As he delves deeper Leon finds that the government and even the country’s president are involved in the cultivation and production of these dominant Las Plagas.

While the government, the resistance and the BSAA (in the form of Leon) are the key groups in this story, strangely there is a noticeable absence of the Umbrella Corporation. It’s not necessarily a bad thing I just thought it was quite bizarre as it is usually a staple of the RESIDENT EVIL world.

And while it does sadden me that Capcom have seemingly abandoned those good old fashioned zombies for the faster and more aggressive Ganados and Majini, this is probably as close to the videogames as you’re going to get. Indeed it is very much embedded in the style of the later games like RE4 and RE5 (and probably RE6) and so it definitely doesn’t have that claustrophobic, creepy feeling that the earlier games had (the first RE scared the crap out of me when I was a kid). But despite that it is still quite a good continuation of the RESIDENT EVIL story.

It’s better than DEGENERATION was, which is good news (although I didn’t think that DEGENERATION was such a bad movie either) and it’s better by far than probably all of the live action movies, at least in my opinion. The action comes thick and fast and relatively early in the film which is good, and soon it becomes a mélange of Ganados, Lickers and the daunting Tyrants (I swear those fuckers get bigger every time I see them). The fight scenes are as well choreographed as their live action counterparts and the animations look nice and just about as realistic as you can get with CGI. And I was very impressed with the English voice acting which was surprising.

If I had one main problem it was definitely with the script, mostly the unnecessarily cheesy one-liners peppered throughout Leon’s dialogue. And some of the characters were a bit over the top (JD is almost a parody with his obsession with everything American) but otherwise I had a good time with this and definitely recommend it if you enjoyed DEGENERATION. I would still prefer a movie more in the vein of the earlier RE games but this will have to do for now.

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION 3D (2012) Review

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez

The last 10 years have given birth to 5 RESIDENT EVIL feature films (7 if you include the two animated movies) and I can only imagine that there will be more to come. I actually thought the first film was a decent effort, but then with each progressive sequel the franchise quickly became tired and it was all just more of the same. But one thing is certain with the RE films, and that's the fact that Milla Jovovich will spend almost all of her screen time kicking ass in a skin-tight outfit. I mean that's the only reason half of us go to see these films right?

Beginning with a fancy slow-motion reverse action sequence, RETRIBUTION picks up from where AFTERLIFE left us. We are then treated to an unnecessary recap of the entire freaking franchise before the reverse slo-mo action sequence we just watched plays through again, this time at full speed and the right way around. Somehow Paul W.S. Anderson has managed to turn a 30 second action sequence into a 5 minute spectacle. But anyway, back to the 'story'. Alice (Jovovich) is knocked out and wakes up to find herself in a secret Umbrella facility, her old pal Jill Valntine (Guillory) is interrogating her. Soon somebody hacks the computers and Alice is busted out of her chamber only to find herself strangely in the centre of what looks like Tokyo. Zombies attack, she kills them and so on and so forth. She meets Ada Wong who tells her that Albert Wesker is helping her escape, and she isn't in Tokyo but instead a secret underwater Umbrella facility where bioweapons tests are carried out. The facility is used to simulate cities like Moscow, New York and Tokyo. Wesker has sent a team down to help free Alice because they need her to help save mankind or something. 

In short, Alice and friends are trapped in an underground facility, and they have to escape. It's as simple as that really. There's some stuff about clones and a little girl Alice becomes attached to but those things aren't really important. Otherwise though this is just the same as the previous franchise entries, albeit a lot bigger. 

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION could almost be called the ultimate RE film because they have tried to cram absolutely everything they could think of into it. Fight scenes across New York City, Moscow and Tokyo, zombies, Las Plagas, lickers (giant motherfucking lickers), those humongous axe-men and bullets flying all over the damn place. They've even recycled some elements from previous films, that slice-and-dice laser grid from the first movie is back, the Red Queen makes another appearance, and even characters who died are back for more. It's completely over-the-top fucking ridiculous. But is that a bad thing? Well not really, because I'm assuming most people aren't expecting Oscar winning performances or character driven storylines when they go see an RE film. When you see one you expect slow-motion, physics-defying action sequences, guns that never run out of ammo, hordes of zombies, explosions and Milla kicking serious ass.
And that's exactly what this film delivers. 

Having said that, it still isn't a great movie. Although it's probably one of the best in the franchise (and that's not really saying much) it still has plenty of flaws. Too much CGI, terrible acting (Sienna Guillory is most guilty of this), and too many added elements which really don't need to be there. It also uses the 3D to throw lots of things towards the screen, but that's about it. It's not very immersive. But as I said, this is exactly what you'd expect from one of these movies, nothing more, nothing less. And at least it's better than AFTERLIFE which is a step in the right direction. And of course the ending is just begging for yet another sequel so stay tuned for that.

Horror Feast: Zombi-O-Rama

There's nothing quite like an Italian zombie flick, and one of the best is of course Lucio Fulci's ZOMBI 2 (aka ZOMBIE, aka ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS etc etc). But while I've seen it more than a few times, it occurred to me recently that I've never had the pleasure (or perhaps displeasure) of watching any of the sequels. But last night changed all that as I sat myself down with some bourbon and snacks to treat myself to a 4-film Zombi-thon.
It's not something I plan on doing again. Ever.

ZOMBI 2 (1979)

While it definitely isn't his best film, ZOMBI 2 is probably Lucio Fulci's most well known contribution to the horror genre and basically reinvented him as a horror icon. There was controversy about the film being unofficially linked to Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD when the opening and closing scenes were added, but nevertheless ZOMBI 2 is still a great standalone film. There's not much to the plot, it's essentially about a cursed island called Matool where the dead are rising from their graves. But since when does a zombie movie need a plot? The film showcases some quite good make-up and practical effects (well good by 1979 standards at least) and also includes two of the most badass and iconic scenes in horror; the underwater zombie vs shark fight and of course that extreme close-up shot of eyeball vs splinter. In contrast to the zombie films of Romero, this is devoid of any kind of social commentary and is basically just a straight up gory, gross-out flick. While definitely not the goriest zombie movie, it was extreme enough to make the infamous video nasties list.
Essential viewing for any fan of the zombie sub-genre.

ZOMBI 3 (1988)While Lucio Fulci is credited as its director, ZOMBI 3 was in fact only partly directed by him. After a few weeks of filming Fulci stepped back and Bruno Mattei took over. The result is a film consisting of approximately 60% footage from Fulci and the rest from Mattei (and Claudio Fragasso), and therefore does resemble Mattei's films more than Fulci's. A sequel in name only, ZOMBI 3 only resembles it's predecessor in that it has zombies in it. Its plot revolves around a top secret bacteriological military weapon known as Death One, which has been released and infected a man. Once the man is found dead his body is burned, the ashes float up into the atmosphere before spreading and falling back to earth, infecting people and animals alike. After dying, their corpses come back to life and they attack the living. This movie (as you might expect) is a huge disappointment after watching the original film. It has almost no redeeming qualities whatsoever and is really   only worth watching for the gore and to laugh at the horrible acting and even more horrible music.

ZOMBI 4: AFTER DEATH (1989)

Directed by Claudio Fragasso (who also helped direct ZOMBI 3) this movie somehow manages to be even more ridiculous and trashy than it's predecessor. It focuses on a zombie outbreak which occurs on a tropical island. A team of researchers trying to find a cure for cancer test out their serum on a young girl but to no avail. She dies and her father - a Voodoo priest - curses the researchers and the entire island by opening a gate to hell and unleashing the undead. From the terrible (yet somehow awesome) 80s electro theme song all the way to the closing credits, this movie stinks. The acting is abysmal, the English dubbing is horrible and distracting, the characters are stupid and the movie even recycles a couple of actors from ZOMBI 3. The gore and effects are decent when you take into consideration the low budget but everything else is crap. Also worth noting is that somebody thought it would be a good idea to have pornstar Jeff Stryker star in this.




ZOMBI 5: KILLING BIRDS (1988)

This movie was never supposed to be a part of ZOMBI franchise and was initially released in Italy under the title UCCELLI ASSASSINI. But when ZOMBI 4 made money (somehow) upon its US release, this was released as ZOMBI 5. I won't even try to explain the 'plot' because it is so incoherent. There's something about a guy killing his wife then being blinded by a bird, some students looking for woodpeckers and a house in the middle of a swamp. The title is extremely misleading since zombies only appear towards the end and nobody is killed by any birds. ZOMBI 5: KILLING BIRDS is by far the worst of the franchise. The acting is somehow worse than in all of the previous films, the screenplay makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and the gore and effects are cheap and nasty. The characters all wander around making the stupidest decisions possible and some scenes completely contradict others. Don't watch this movie. Ever.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012) Review

Directed by: Drew Goddard

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Jesse Williams

Since THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is one of those movies where you're better off going in knowing as little as possible, I won't say too much and so this will be a pretty short review.

The movie starts off in possibly the most cliché way imaginable. Five young friends are preparing for a trip to a cabin deep in the woods, to get away from everything and basically chill out. The characters represent what you might expect to see in any of the FRIDAY THE 13TH films, there's the amorous couple, the stoner, the nerdy nice guy and the shy 'virgin'. On their way to the cabin they come across a run-down, backwater gas station where they are met by a run-down, backwater man. Vague and ominous warnings are of course ignored and they continue on their way. They finally arrive and get settled in, but once the cellar door is flung open, shit starts to get crazy.

As I said this will be a short review because I know if I say too much it could easily spoil the movie.First of all I'll say that this is definitely not what you're expecting. It starts out cliché as fuck, but soon everything is completely flipped on its head. It's not a particularly scary movie although it is absolutely full of elements you would find in just about every horror movie you've ever seen. Parody, cliches and stereotypes are all used here but they are used in such a way that brings a really different vibe to the film.

There's a nice blend of horror, sci-fi and comedy here, and lots of surprises to be had. You'll also undoubtedly see lots of references to other horror films along the way. And if you look deep enough you may even get a clear view of the metaphorical, philosophical side of the film. This actually hit me a couple of days after initially watching it, and it is honestly really, really clever.
As for the technical side of the movie, it's actually pretty damn good. It looks great, it sounds great, the acting and writing are both good and the pacing is nice. Makeup and practical effects look awesome although there is a sudden burst of CGI which I could probably have done without.
The best part about it though is that it's something new. Something different. And that's as good a reason to go see it as any. Highly recommended.

Horror Feast: Sushi Typhoon

For those who don't know, Sushi Typhoon is a Japanese production company specializing in low budget horror, sci-fi & fantasy films. A collective consisting of directors Takashi Miike (ICHI THE KILLER), Yoshihiro Nishimura (TOKYO GORE POLICE), Sion Sono (SUICIDE CLUB), Noboru Iguchi (THE MACHINE GIRL), Tak Sakaguchi (YOROI: SAMURAI ZOMBIE), Yudai Yamaguchi (BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL) and Seiji Chiba (EVIL NINJA).
If you've seen any of the movies I've just mentioned then you should have a pretty good idea of what you're in for when it comes to a Sushi Typhoon release. For those who haven't, well buckets of blood, absurd amounts of violence and cheap digital effects are the order of the day.
So without further ado, let's get into this shit.

DEADBALL (2011)

As a young child, Jubei discovers the insanely powerful force of his pitching arm when he unwittingly destroys his father's head with a baseball. Needless to say he vows never to play ball again. Cut to a few years later and Jubei is a vigilante, visiting violence upon evil-doers. He is caught and sent to a prison for juveniles which is run by a Nazi headmistress who encourages him to join the prison ball team. But their first match against the ridiculously hot and brutal Saint Black Dahlia girls reveals that this is no ordinary baseball game. Blood is what the spectators have come to see.
Exploding heads, elbow-deep cavity searches, vomit eating, Nazis and robots, this movie has it all. And the lead character Jubei (played to perfection by Tak Sakaguchi) is so awesomely cool that he can pluck lit cigarettes out of thin air any time he wants.
Sure the acting isn't great, the story either, and the special effects are cheesy as fuck, but all in all DEADBALL is a explosively fun movie with plenty of gore and humor and is very entertaining.

YAKUZA WEAPON (2011)

Tak Sakaguchi once more takes centre stage but rather than being a juvenile delinquent with a killer pitching arm, here he plays Shozo the unstoppable Yakuza killing machine. Just like Jubei in DEADBALL, Shozo is almost impossibly cool. Like so cool that he can scare landmines just by glaring at them, or catch RPGs with his bare hands, or stand in the middle of a jungle firefight smoking a cigarette while bullets go whizzing past his head. That cool.
Shozo returns to Japan after 4 years abroad to avenge the death of his father who was a big time Yakuza boss. Upon returning to his family's former headquarters he learns that his father was betrayed. Violence and action ensue. But it's not until he gets a cyborg makeover that things get really exciting. A mixture of ROBOCOP & MACHINE GIRL & that special something that only the Japanese seem to possess, YAKUZA WEAPON is over the top, non-stop action with a huge body count.

HELLDRIVER (2011)

DEADBALL and YAKUZA WEAPON may have been totally bizarre but Yoshihiro Nishimura's HELLDRIVER is on a whole other level. A meteorite has crashed in Japan, releasing a cloud of toxic ash which turns people into bloodthirsty zombies (not technically zombies but whatever). Young girl Kika leads a group charged with tracking down and killing the zombie queen - who just so happens to be her crazy, homicidal mother.
Kika carries with her a chainsaw/katana hybrid; a chainsword (not sure if that's what it's called but it's definitely what it should be called). Needless to say chainsword + zombies = lots of blood and limbs flying all over the place. Other things you will see in this strange fucking movie include a car made out of zombies (seriously), lots of exploding heads, flesh eating, and of course gallons and gallons of the red stuff. What more could you ask for?

MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD (2010)

Tak Sakaguchi, Yoshihiro Nishimura and Noboru Iguchi work together to bring forth the ridiculous insanity that is MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD. It follows young schoolgirl Rin, who on her 16th birthday discovers that she is the descendant of an ancient race of mutants known as Hilko. She sees her parents killed in front of her and is rescued and recruited by a group of Hilko who train her so that she can understand her full powers. After being sent on her first mission, Rin finds herself unable to kill innocent humans and so confronts the other Hilko. Basically this is a bloody, gory riff on the X-Men, full of lowbrow humor, cheap effects and sexy mutant schoolgirls. Their 'super powers' range from claws and tentacle arms right through to titty-swords and ass-chainsaws. And the blood, oh the blood. There is tons of the stuff. It's everywhere, raining down, splattering the camera, shooting out of limbless stumps. So much blood.

REC 3: GENESIS (2012) Review

Directed by: Paco Plaza

Starring: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martin, Javier Botet

One thing you need to know before you decide to watch REC 3 is that it is very, very different from the previous two films. I don't consider this a spoiler, I consider it important information because you need to realize that what you're going to see isn't a simple rehash of the first two movies. I've kept myself from reading any reviews so far but I have heard a lot of people complaining about this movie, and most of those complaints seem to be about how different it is. If you really want to watch a franchise where the same movie is rewritten over and over there are plenty of them out there. 

Clara (Dolera) and Koldo (Martin) are celebrating their wedding day. Surrounded by friends and family it will be the happiest day of their lives. Or will it? Of course not, the movie would be pointless if things didn't go horribly wrong. After character introductions, the swapping of vows, some singing, dancing and drunken relatives, the action begins. The outbreak first seen in REC's apartment building is brought out of the dark and into the daylight. During the chaos Clara and Koldo are separated and find themselves fighting for their lives. Will they find each other before it's too late?

Being a wedding, this is the perfect setting for some handheld camera action. But in stark contrast to the previous entries the POV angle is soon discarded and replaced with a more normal style of filming which makes up the majority of the movie. The setting is for the most part the polar opposite of the dark, claustrophobic apartment building seen in the first two REC films. Here we are treated to brightly lit, open spaces with loads of people before darkness eventually falls and we find ourselves in familiar territory.

There's so much more I want to say but I don't want to spoil things for anybody. One thing I will say however is that GENESIS is a slower paced, more emotionally and even humorously charged kind of horror film. Which is not a bad thing by any means. The acting is good and the two leads do a great job. Leticia Dolera definitely stole the show though. Of course the movie does have its negative points too. The main one of these I thought was the loss of some seemingly key characters early on with little explanation.

Another thing you need to keep in mind is that REC 3 takes place before and during the events of the first film, so don't expect a continuation of the original story so much as a fresh perspective on the outbreak. A lot of people are going to hate this movie and a lot are going to love it, I don't see there being any middle ground. Personally I fall into the latter category. I fucking loved it.
If you are interested in seeing the progression of the original story then you'll have to wait until REC 4: APOCALYPSE is released.