TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) Review

Directed by: Tom Graeff

Starring: David Love, Dawn Bender, Bryan Grant

A few years back I was rummaging around in a dvd bargain bin and ended up scoring a bunch of Bela Lugosi films for super cheap. I also spied another movie which I’d never heard of before. That movie was TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE. Everything about the dvd case indicated that it would be a terrible movie of Ed Wood-like proportions but I bought it anyway. The only reason I bought it was because it reminded me think of that Misfits song ‘Teenagers From Mars’ and I wondered if maybe it was what the song was written about. And besides, even if it was shit I’d only wasted 2 bucks on it.

Unfortunately the movie seemed to have nothing at all to do with the Misfits song (the song never mentioned lobsters or ray guns) but on the bright side it ended up being one of the most (unintentionally) hilarious movies I have ever seen. I've watched it at least 4 or 5 times by now and it is still as enjoyable as it was that first time.

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE follows a crew of humanoid aliens who land on Earth with plans to colonize it with ‘Gargons’ which seem to be the aliens’ main ‘cattle’ and food supply. Apparently nobody involved in this movie had a single creative bone in their body because in place of the Gargon they have simply used what looks like an ordinary, everyday lobster. Oh the horror!
As the aliens land a dog wanders along so of course one of the aliens – the cruel Thor - blasts it with his ray gun. Noticing the writing on the dog’s collar tag, soft-hearted alien Derek realizes that the planet seems to be inhabited by intelligent creatures and questions whether they should really endanger the native inhabitants by raising their Gargon herds here.

An argument between Derek and the others ends with Derek running off. After a communication from the leader of their home planet the remaining aliens discover that Derek is the leader’s son! So Thor will need to find him and bring him back until the other aliens return with the Gargon herds. Meanwhile the Gargon specimen is hidden inside a nearby cave so that nobody stumbles across it. Since the Earth’s atmosphere will let the creature grow to millions of times its original size it is restrained with expandable leg bands so that it will not escape.

Derek arrives in town and tracks down the address on the dog tag he picked up. He runs into Betty and her grandfather but Thor is hot on his heels.

Now let’s talk about just what makes this movie so bad and so incredibly funny. We’ll start with the ray guns.
Basically they look like toy guns with mirrors glued onto the end so that when they are pointed at a camera at the correct angle they reflect sunlight which I assume is supposed to represent a laser… or something. And when a human is hit by one of these rays it blasts their flesh of, leaving only a (obviously plastic) skeleton. Maybe in the 50s this was considered gruesome and terrifying but nowadays it’s just laughable.
I won't even go into how ridiculous some of the dialogue is, or the acting. But I really do need to talk about the 'horrifying' Gargon.

The most hilarious part of this movie comes when you first see the Gargon after its massive increase in size. Although technically you don’t even see it, you only see a silhouette. I guess after spending half of the budget on plastic skeletons, plastic toy guns and futuristic v-stripe jumpsuits there wasn't enough left over for a real monster so the filmmakers just had somebody hold a lobster in front of a projector so that its shadow appeared on screen, making it look colossal. You really need to see it to know how ridiculous it looks.

As much as I’d love to give this movie a good rating I honestly can’t. Maybe in the 50s it was a decent film but even back then I can’t imagine it being anything particularly good. It’s a terribly made film, the acting is bad, the dialogue is horrible, and the fact that they used a lobster for the monster is laughable. And the teenagers from the film’s title don’t seem to make an appearance at all, as the aliens here are all clearly much too old to be teens. But don’t let that discourage you. If you’re into Ed Wood’s work or 50s sci-fi then you should be able to find room for this terrible but incredibly entertaining flick.
I'm giving this 4 stars purely for the entertainment factor.

STORAGE 24 (2012) Review

Directed by: Johannes Roberts

Starring: Noel Clarke, Colin O'Donoghue, Antonia Campbell-Hughes

It’s been a while since I last saw a really good movie involving aliens, well not really that long I suppose since last year’s SUPER 8 was pretty damn impressive. I never understood what the big deal was about ATTACK THE BLOCK though, but here we have another alien movie from the UK; STORAGE 24. Will it fill the void?

The title refers to where the movie takes place, a 24 hour storage facility. You know those places with rows and rows of locked storage rooms which you can hire and fill with all of your crap. Anyway, right at the start of the movie there is a plane crash, but not just any ordinary plane. This is a military plane and we all know what that means right? Obviously it was carrying some type of top secret cargo which in this case comes in the form of a vicious bipedal alien. After escaping from its container it makes its way into the storage facility to hide out. Electrical problems due to the plane crash are causing the storage facility to have some problems and soon all of its occupants find themselves trapped inside.

Inside the facility we have three friends who are sorting through Shelley’s (Campbell-Hughes) stuff after a break up with her boyfriend. Boyfriend Charlie (Clarke) and friend Mark (O'Donoghue) show up and there’s some whining and bitching (mostly from Charlie) about why they broke up and what went wrong and blah blah blah.
But of course soon they discover that they’re not alone in building and that whatever is after them is fast, cunning, deadly and not human. Now they have more important things to worry about rather than their relationship woes, thank fuck.

You’d think that putting a small group of people in a confined space with a vicious alien would make for good cinema, but I guess it’s not always the case. Firstly the characters are so annoying or bland that you don’t care one way or the other whether they live or die. Secondly the opportunity to create some mood and tension has been completely wasted here and instead we are treated to a lot of pointless arguing and running around as the alien picks these people off one by one.

All of the attack sequences for some reason are filmed in close-up and I found myself just begging for a nice medium shot just so I could actually see what was going on.

Thankfully there is a bit of blood and gore and it’s the good old fashioned practical kind, and the alien itself looks pretty menacing. But the fact remains that too much of the movie is taken up by these annoying characters (mostly Charlie; it’s no wonder your girlfriend dumped you, you whiny little shit) and their stupid relationship subplot. And the ending. Oh the ending. Is that really the best they could come up with? I could not think of a more predictable finish to the film. But at least it fits with the rest of the movie which is also predictable, bland and void of any tension or atmosphere. What they've done here is take an interesting location, a nice, simple premise with plenty of potential and they've just wasted it. As far as alien movies go this year I would rather watch MEN IN BLACK III again, at least it had some laughs and entertainment value.

STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION (2012) Review

Directed by: Shinji Aramaki

Starring (voices): Luci Christian, David Matranga, David Wald

The bugs are back and I couldn't be happier. Paul Verhoeven's original STARSHIP TROOPERS is undoubtedly a cult classic but unfortunately it's sequels were not so well received. I know from personal experience that the second was a steaming pile of crap and I've heard from many that the third is even worse. Surely the one thing we didn't need was yet another sequel, right? Wrong. STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is so much better than the second film (probably the third too) and in some ways could even be considered superior to the original. It throws the satire of the original aside in favor of more explosions and bug stomping action, but it is still a very enjoyable film.

When the starship John. A. Warden - commandeered by psychic officer Carl Jenkins - suddenly goes dark and ceases communications, General Johnny Rico (Matranga) dispatches an experienced group of soldiers to make contact and hopefully bring the starship back. When the soldiers find and board the ship they stumble into a bloodbath. The entire crew is dead and it is evident that a bug infestation has taken place. They find a sole survivor in Carl Jenkins, who warns them not to turn the ship's power back on, but too late. When the ship is powered back up, a Queen which has taken up residence in the engine room, takes command of the ship. Seemingly thousands of warrior bugs are suddenly set loose on the ship and the starship itself is headed straight towards Earth. It's up to Major Henry 'Hero' Varro (Wald), Captain Carmen Ibanez (Christian) and the rest of the troopers to try and stop the ship from reaching their home planet.

With multiple STARSHIP TROOPERS media around (three movies, some games, an animated TV show etc.) we should probably talk about exactly where this latest instalment fits in. It's not really explained but it seems to be a direct sequel to the first film, with some familiar faces who are a little older and (in most cases) a little wiser.
Rico is now a General, Ibanez is Captain of her own ship and Carl Jenkins is the head of a special ESP unit.
But for the bulk of the film there are a bunch of fresh new faces taking centre stage, and of course they all have their own cute nicknames like Bugspray, Ice Blonde, Ratzass, Trig and so on. Their leader is the highly decorated 'Hero' who has recently been arrested by Jenkins for reasons unknown. Unfortunately most of these characters are pretty one-dimensional and they are all really just a gathering of tired old stereotypes.
But eventually Rico gets right into the action and soon our trio of old friends have a long awaited reunion.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that this is an animated film? That's probably an important thing to mention. But this is that photo realistic kind of animation like you would find in RESIDENT EVIL: DEGENERATION and similar films. And it's actually done pretty damn well. The characters themselves look a little 'off' but as soon as they are wearing their big, bulky mechanical suits they look badass.
The bugs themselves look really good as well, and there are even some new ones here - ones which spit deadly blue plasma from their asses. But mostly they are made up of hundreds or thousands of those standard warrior type bugs. You know, those ones which can tear your head of in a half a second.

Sure the plot isn't very deep and neither are any of the characters, but the action sequences are fast paced and the detail in the CGI is better than I would have expected. There is plenty of bug killing action here and there is even quite a bit of blood and gore. A particularly good scene shows the troopers boarding the starship (which has a very eerie Dead Space vibe) where they are greeted by dismembered bodies floating around in the zero gravity. Nice.

Another drawback I found personally disappointing was the fact that even though Casper Van Dien is named as an executive producer, for some reason he didn't lend his voice to Johnny Rico. That would have been a nice touch for fans of the original. There are a few nods to Verhoeven's film though, and even the gratuitous female nudity and pervy shower shots are reminiscent of that first movie.
All in all STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is pretty damn good. A big surprise for me. If you're a fan of the original then you should definitely see this.

HELLACIOUS ACRES: THE CASE OF JOHN GLASS (2011) Review

Directed by: Pat Tremblay

Starring: Navin Pratap, Jamie Abrams, Paula Davis

So far most of the Bloody Disgusting Selects films have been pretty decent and so far they have been a bit of a mixed bag. However, HELLACIOUS ACRES is by far the most bizarre release to date. It’s a low-budget (VERY low budget), post-apocalyptic tale which centers around John Glass as he embarks on a mission to fix the Earth’s ruined atmosphere. It involves a lot of walking and a lot of talking and not much else.

John Glass awakens from a long, deep slumber and finds himself in a world which has gone through not only a third world war but also an alien invasion. Consequently the atmosphere is not breathable but luckily John has a special fully-enclosed Power Ranger outfit which allows him to get around just fine. After getting the low-down from the computer-voice in his suit, John discovers that he has been awakened so that he can located certain installations to find codes which will help clear up the atmosphere. He barely remembers anything about his past and has no idea why he has been chosen but nonetheless he puts on his walking shoes and gets going. What follows is a lot (and I mean a LOT) of talking and explaining as he consults his super-suit about how to eat without taking off his suit and other mundane things like that. Along the way he meets other people both hostile and friendly and suffers from an unfortunate run of bad luck all to the soundtrack of some kind of amateur sludge metal. He is pursued by aliens and armed lunatics and it seems that anything that can go wrong does go wrong.

Even though John seems to have a bad case of terrible luck I found it pretty hard to feel sorry for him. I think it’s because he seems to complain about absolutely everything, in fact that’s one of the things that really got on my nerves with this movie. The other thing was the seemingly huge amount of time where nothing happens. And in fact by the time the credits rolled I still felt like nothing important had happened during the whole film. The running time of around an hour and 40 minutes could have been reduced quite a bit to make this a more smooth film but as it is there are a lot of times where it just drags.

And the entire film is shot with this grainy, washed out look which I assume is meant to add to the atmosphere but was probably chosen to help cover the low quality of everything. It's nice that the filmmakers have tried something different but in the end I don't think it quite worked out.

BATTLESHIP (2012) Review

Directed by: Peter Berg

Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson

Amongst all the many things movies have taught me one is that when it comes to aliens they definitely are out there and we should probably leave them alone because they don't seem to like us at all. INDEPENDENCE DAY, WAR OF THE WORLDS, MARS ATTACKS and many more show advanced intergalactic races to be violent, aggressive and bent on wiping out the human race. BATTLESHIP takes this overused premise and tries to use it quite overtly as a recruiting tool for the US Navy.

Buried in amongst all of the big, sweeping helicopter shots, crisp navy uniforms and shiny destroyers is something you could barely call a plot. Basically us smart humans send a signal out to a so called 'Goldilocks planet' in the hope of finding intelligent life. But what we get back is a small fleet of alien ships which construct an impenetrable dome over a section of ocean off the coast of Hawaii and begin blasting apart ships involved in Naval war games. Obviously somebody has to do something about all this, and that somebody is Alex Hopper (Kitsch), a dropkick who was forced to enrol in the Navy by his brother. Cue a lot of big explosions, gunfire and so on.

Oh and for some reason somebody decided popstar Rihanna would make a great addition to the film. And Liam Neeson (pretty much the only reason I watched this film) only has about 10 minutes of screen time.

I can kind of understand the logic in creating a film based on a classic strategy/boardgame, after all PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN was adapted from a fucking theme park ride and a lot of people seemed to like that. Unfortunately the execution here is terrible and requires you to suspend all logic as a lot of crazy, over the top shit happens on screen. Did you know that you can use a Battleship's anchor to swing it around like it's a car or a bike? Did you know that a decommissioned Battleship which has been turned into a museum can be up and running in about 10 minutes with only a handful of senior citizens at the controls? Or that aliens with advanced enough technology to travel light years can't avoid an orbiting satellite?

There is so much completely illogical and ridiculous crap in this movie that to list it would take days. But the worst is probably the forced tie-in to the classic boardgame itself. Seriously, there is a scene where they have to use a grid to try and work out where the alien ships are and just take pot shots and hope that they hit them. Oh well at least nobody utters the line "you sunk my Battleship!".

And even the recruitment angle is a failure. I would absolutely hate to join the Navy if it means that I have to hang around a group of people as stupid as these. As boring as the boardgame is, I would rather play it for two hours than watch this crap again.

PROMETHEUS 3D (2012) Review

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Logan Marshall-Green

PROMETHEUS has been one of the year's most anticipated movies and I'm not quite sure where to start here. I actually poster earlier on Facebook that I was a little disappointed with the movie, but since then I've come to realize that my disappointment had more to do with myself mentally hyping up the film to an almost impossibly high standard than to do with the film's shortcomings themselves. It didn't help that I've been reporting on the film through this blog for months and months, being updated on the latest news pretty much every step of the way. Leaked trailers, set photos, promo shots, stills and TV spots, eventually it seemed that I was being bombarded with new stuff every other day. If there's one good piece of advice I can give you before seeing PROMETHEUS it's to try and avoid as much exposure as possible beforehand and go in cold, with not too many preconceptions or expectations.
Even though all of this probably makes PROMETHEUS out to be a bad film, rest assured it is most definitely not. And even though it didn't quite meet my personal expectations, it was definitely worth the wait.
I'll try to make this as spoiler-free as possible.

After a short and interesting opening sequence, PROMETHEUS kicks off on the Isle of Skye in Scotland where a team of archaeologists led by Elizabeth Shaw (Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Marshall-Green) are conducting a dig. Ancient cave paintings dating back thousands of years are uncovered along with something else quite mysterious which has the archaeologists very excited indeed. The reason for their excitement? This discovery could help them to unlock the secrets behind mankind's origins. The film then cuts to a couple of years later aboard the spaceship PROMETHEUS which has just arrived at its as yet unknown destination after a 2 year journey. The ship's crew which includes the two archaeologists Shaw and Holloway are awakened from suspended animation and debriefed by Meredith Vickers (Theron) on just where they are and why. It's not long before they stumble across a mysterious structure and decide to venture inside.
Will they find what they came for?
Will they finally have a answer to the age-old question; why are we here?
Will they make it out alive?
The only way to find out is to go see for yourself.

The first thing you'll notice about PROMETHEUS is just how amazing it looks. Visually it is incredible from the huge grandiose sweeping landscape shots to the action sequences and everything in between. Everything looks so crisp and clear and detailed and for once (pay attention because I will probably never say this again in my life) I actually think that going 3D was the right choice. Thankfully this movie isn't full of those gimmicky made-for-3D moments where things just fly toward the screen just because they can, the 3D here just helps to make everything on screen seem more tangible and real. In fact if you have the chance I would probably recommend you go see this in IMAX 3D.

The cast do a brilliant job and yes when I say that I actually mean all of them, although the stand-outs for me were definitely Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron. Although some of the characters' actions may seem a little questionable (due to an equally questionable script) all of the actors play their parts convincingly. I mentioned the script being questionable and I guess what I mean is that sometimes some of the characters act very out of character and also there are a lot of plot holes, especially if you're a big ALIEN fan. And speaking of ALIEN, a lot of people will be curious as to whether this is an actual prequel or not because there was some confusion before the film's release. I won't go into it, but suffice it to say that there are plenty links to the aforementioned film and ALIEN fanboys (and girls) will have fun spotting the references. Having said that, if you're not familiar with the ALIEN franchise you can still quite easily sit down and enjoy PROMETHEUS although you will miss out on the references and links and some things may not make a whole lot of sense.

PROMETHEUS looks great and it sounds great. The casting is brilliant as too is the acting. It has a nice mix of practical effects and CGI, there are some kickass action sequences and an interesting plot. On the downside the script is not too great and you will no doubt find a lot of plot holes. I can imagine how much hardcore ALIEN fans are going to pick this film apart, but I still think that PROMETHEUS is pretty damn awesome.

ALIEN APOCALYPSE (2005) Review

Directed by: Josh Becker

Starring: Bruce Campbell, Renee O'Connor, Remington Franklin

I'm always up for watching a film with Bruce Campbell in it. From THE EVIL DEAD to MY NAME IS BRUCE to MANIAC COP I have to say that I haven't found any of his movies to be overly terrible.

I'm actually surprised it's taken me this long to see ALIEN APOCALYPSE because I've heard so much about it, mostly about how terrible it is. I decided it was time to finally find out for myself.

ALIEN APOCALYPSE bears a striking resemblance to PLANET OF THE APES. A small group of astronauts have been in cryo-sleep while on a probe mission for 40 years. Their ship has finally crash landed on Earth and they step outside only to be greeted by what looks to be a post-apocalyptic wasteland. They soon discover that aliens have invaded and are using the human population as slaves and bounty hunters. After an altercation with said bounty hunters, the astronauts are captured and taken to a nearby sawmill to be put to work. After meeting the local slave population they are given the lowdown on all the excitement they missed while in space. It seems that the aliens landed about 20 years earlier and have been using the planet to supply themselves with their primary food source which just so happens to be wood (although they don't seem to mind a bit of human flesh on the side). Rumors that the president of the US is still alive and gathering a fighting force in the mountains encourages astronaut and doctor Ivan (Campbell) to seek him out and help lead the rebellion against the alien overlords. Ivan used his charisma, passion and medical skills (it seems that in the future anybody can be fixed with a little chiropractic work) to recruit more humans as he strives to both free the human race (including his romantic interest Kelly (O'Connor)) and become known as 'The Great Healer'

ALIEN APOCAYPSE has some horrible effects, a terribly written script and some dreadful acting, but it seems that most of this crappiness was intentional. I can't imagine otherwise. If you love this special breed of shockingly bad sci-fi film then you will love this. With all of its flaws (there are many) it is somehow an enjoyable film though and probably best enjoyed with a few friends and lots of alcohol.

Horror Feast: John Carpenter-a-thon

Well since its been raining so much lately it seems that I'll be trapped inside my house by floodwater all weekend. Normally I'd be pissed off but I've got plenty of food and supplies and an assload of horror movies to watch.
On today's menu: John Carpenter.

THE FOG (1980)

Carpenter's original beats the hell out of the crappy remake of course. This is actually one of my favorite of JC's movies, even though it has practically no gore it still is a pretty creepy film. The start is a great opener too, a ghost story being told about a ship which sunk in a thick fog and how the dead sailors will come back 100 years to the very day. Of course this day happens to fall on the town of Antonio Bay's anniversary and while the townspeople are getting ready to celebrate, the fog rolls in and the bodies start to pile up. It seems that these ghouls are back for revenge for a past atrocity and a small handful of townsfolk have to figure out how to put and end to the curse. Both Jamie Lee Curtis and her mother Janet Leigh star alongside Tom Atkins and another JC favorite George 'Buck' Flower.
As I mentioned the movie doesn't rely on blood and gore but instead it relies on the creepy atmosphere created by the ominous fog and it does a great job.





PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)

With the death of a priest an ancient secret is revealed. A mysterious cylinder of green liquid is found in an abandoned church basement and after a team of physics students is called in to investigate, the cylinder is found to contain the essence of Satan himself. The liquid goes to work possessing the students and working toward its final goal, releasing the father of Satan; an all powerful anti-God. Can these physics graduates stop him in time? And will they survive the wrath of Alice Cooper? Cooper plays a murderous vagrant who leads some sort of homeless army. Yep. Donald Pleasance also stars as a priest. I love Donald Pleasance.
This is definitely one of Carpenter's darker films and is actually pretty original too. The special effects and makeup look good also and Jameson Parker's moustache is pretty cool too.
The only complaint I have is that when I watch a movie called PRINCE OF DARKNESS, I expect to see the FUCKING PRINCE OF DARKNESS! But alas he never appears.

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995)

George 'Buck' Flower appears once again here (why does he always play a drunk or a vagrant?) but this time his fellow cast members include Mark Hamill, Christopher Reeve and Kirstey Alley. I must confess that I've never seen the original film nor read the novel on which it's based but John Carpenter has done a pretty fine job here indeed. 

The entire town of Midwich fall asleep one day. As you can imagine a few people die while driving cars or standing over barbecues, but also upon waking 10 of the town's women find themselves mysteriously pregnant. They all give birth at the same time and they all give birth to creepy, white haired, mind reading children. The children aren't very nice either. They like to use their freaky telepathic powers to force people to hurt and kill themselves. Can the combined forces of Luke Skywalker and Superman defeat these evil children? Watch the movie and see for yourself.

VAMPIRES (1998)

I've decided that James Woods doesn't play a very convincing badass. If I wanted somebody to kill a vampire for me he's one of the last people I would think of. But here he is, leading a group of vampire slayers and working for the Catholic church. After finding a 'nest' and destroying the bloodsuckers within the team decided to have a party. Hooray! However they get ambushed by a powerful vampire named Valek who kills all but two of them. So James Woods teams up with one of the less important Baldwin brothers (Daniel I think) and a prostitute and they decide to track down this Valek before he finds an ancient artifact which will allow him to walk in the daylight and therefore be unstoppable.

Crap. I don't like this movie at all. The characters are stupid and the one-liners are lame ("How do you like your stake, bitch?")
At least the vampires aren't sparkly pussies, and there is a fair bit of gore also. One of Carpenter's less impressive films.

THEY LIVE (1988)

Roddy Piper and his majestic mullet star in this film about rich aliens corrupting and controlling the American lower class. Keith David is also here and so is George 'Buck' Flower (again) who plays a drifter (surprise!).

Nada (Piper) is down on his luck and wandering about aimlessly until one day he finds a pair of magical sunglasses which show him the world as it really is. Rich yuppie aliens are controlling humans through subliminal messages and a signal broadcast from television sets. There is probably some sort of social commentary here about the upper class feeding off the lower class, but what's more important is that we get to see Roddy Piper kicking some serious alien ass!

And watch out for the world's longest fight scene between Piper and Davis. Don't worry, you can't miss it.

THE DARKEST HOUR 3D (2011) Review

Directed by: Chris Gorak

Starring: Emile Hirsch, Olivia Thirlby, Max Minghella

Well I can't say that I actually expected this to be a good movie after watching the trailer. However the current line-up at my local theatre is so bad that THE DARKEST HOUR 3D seemed to be the best choice. It was either this or Happy Feet 2, and now I'm thinking that it probably would have been a better idea to go see the latter instead.

And before I get to the actual review there's something I need to say. I have nothing against 3D movies. If people want to watch them that's fine, as long as people like me have the option of watching them in regular old 2D. Unfortunately the local theatre didn't offer that option.

A pair of software developers arrive in Moscow to pitch their newest idea which they're convinced will make them multi-millionaires. Unfortunately they are beaten by a rival who has stolen their idea and is pitching it himself just as they walk in. So they do the only sensible thing by going to some sort of trendy nightclub to drown their sorrows. They not only run into their software stealing friend Skyler, but also a couple of attractive girls. Maybe things are starting to look up! Or not. Suddenly the nightclub is plunged into darkness and everybody finds themselves outside. There is some strange sort of Aurora Borealis type phenomenon going on in the sky and strange orange balls of energy are drifting down to the ground. Everybody stands back except for one brave (or stupid) police officer who decides to get a little closer. He is instantly vaporized. Everybody runs around in a panic, and our main characters find themselves locked inside some kind of storeroom. After a week of waiting it's finally time for them to venture outside and see just what the fuck is really going on.

There are a couple of refreshing elements to this movie, namely the location and the enemy. Rather than being a familiar location such as NYC or Los Angeles or Tokyo the choice has been made to set this in Moscow, Russia. The aliens aren't something you normally see either, mainly because you hardly get to see them at all. They are invisible for the most part except for the brief orange flashes of energy they emit and the fact that anything electrical lights up like a Christmas tree if they go near it. This actually adds another little twist to the film in the form of night travel being safer than day travel.

So the movie isn't a complete piece of shit, but as far as the good points go I really can't think of anything else. Everything else was below average or just downright terrible. The script was ridiculous, the characters were idiots, the acting was sub-par and the CGI was made-for-TV quality. And of course the 3D aspect was pointless as usual. There were one or two scenes which incorporated 3D but other than that there was just no reason for it.

Save your money and avoid THE DARKEST HOUR. You could certainly do worse, but you could definitely do a hell of a lot better. 

And don't be fooled by Timur Bekmambetov's production credit.

THE THING (2011) Review

Directed by: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr

Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen

Sometimes I wish I could erase movies completely from my memory and make it as though I'd never seen them before. I'm not just talking about movies so bad you'd wished you had never seen them in the first place, but I'm also talking about classic films which are remade. THE THING is technically a prequel but in all honesty it might as well be a remake, and as with all remakes people are inevitably going to compare it to the original. In this case it won't be the actual Howard Hawks original movie but John Carpenter's classic reimagining. I try to judge movies solely on their own merits, but comparisons always come to mind and that is why I'd like to erase some films from my memory. So that I can make an entirely unbiased judgement on a remake.
That however is not the case, so I started watching this remake/prequel/ with John Carpenter's movie firmly in my mind and I knew right from the beginning that it would never measure up.

THE THING is touted as a prequel to the 1982 film, but if you read the synopsis without knowing this, it may as well be the same damn movie. The Americans have been replaced by Norwegians, Kurt Russel has been replaced by a female lead, and instead of practical effects we get a mix of practical and CGI. Other than that not much is different.

A Norwegian expedition stumbles upon a flying saucer buried deep within the Antarctic ice. But more importantly they discover the pilot of the saucer, also frozen in ice. They decide to remove a block of ice containing the extra-terrestrial and take it back to the research station. They prep it for transport but suddenly the alien breaks free of it's icy prison and before long it is killing people. To make things worse, it becomes apparent that this 'thing' is not only deadly and powerful but can also assimilate and replicate its prey. It becomes obvious that this creature needs to be destroyed before it has a chance to reach civilisation.

Anybody who has seen the 1982 version of THE THING will find nothing new here at all. The characters and their names and nationalities are different, but since you probably won't find yourself caring about any of them anyway, it doesn't really matter. Rob Bottin's amazing creature fx are gone and in their place is a blend of practical effects and CGI which actually worked better than I thought they would, but still have nothing on JC's masterpiece. And the female lead (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is definitely no Kurt Russell.
Apart from Bottin's effects, the other thing that John Carpenter's film did extraordinarily well was to pour on the tension and especially the paranoia. Being trapped in a remote outpost with a group of people, and not knowing just who could be concealing a bloodthirsty alien identity is a terrifying concept. Somehow though, this prequel has ditched the suspense and that dreadful feeling of paranoia and instead replaced it with some fast-paced yet still bland chase scenes.
For people who haven't seen '82 remake, they might just find themselves enjoying this and at the very least it will introduce a new audience to the older movie.

The one big thing that really annoys me is the fact that there was really no need for this movie to be made at all. I can't imagine fans were crying out for a back story. It brings nothing new to the table. It's basically the same movie with a couple of new but unimportant elements.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES (2011) Review

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman

Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan

I know this film was released early this year, but I never got a chance to see it until now. I went into it hoping for something along the lines of Independence Day but unfortunately what I got was far from it.

A Marine Staff Sergeant (Eckhart) who has just had his retirement approved goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.

The unit are sent to a police station to rescue a group of civilians. They arrive and find two adults and three children. Their next objective is to get them to safety. Unfortunately the aliens aren't letting them get away that easily. The aliens call in air support and that's when the shit really hits the fan. So now the Marines need to destroy the alien command centre in order to disable the flying drones.

I really don't even know why this movie was made honestly. There is absolutely nothing original here, it's just a bunch of tired war movie clichés stitched together to make up a weak storyline. I have the feeling that the filmmakers concentrated too much on the FX and then realised at the last minute that "hey, we should probably have some kind of storyline to go with this".

And the fact that the Marines are fighting against aliens doesn't even really factor in. They might as well be fighting against an invading human army, it would have made no difference. Actually,that may have even made the movie better.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES did give me one big surprise though. You may know that I'm not exactly a fan of CGI, especially when there is a lot of it. Well there is a lot of it in this movie, but for some strange reason it didn't bother me at all. And that's a good thing. If somebody can cram that much CGI into a movie without it looking horrible and distracting then I have to say they've done a good job.

As for the acting it was all pretty decent, but I can't say the same for the casting. Aaron Eckhart as a Marine Sergeant fighting aliens and kicking ass? That just wasn't very convincing to me. He has nothing on Will Smith. And the character development is weak, I honestly didn't care for any of them. No matter who died, I just found myself not giving a single fuck.

I found the beginning of the movie to be a bit slow paced and boring, but when the action kicks in it all moves along smoothly. It even becomes a little tense towards the end when they face off against the huge alien command centre. But it all ends predictably and just didn't feel that satisfying.

I came away from BATTLE LOS ANGELES feeling like I'd just seen a 2 hour long recruitment ad for the Marines rather than an action/sci-fi film. If you're a fan of action/war movies then you may just enjoy this, but otherwise seeing this movie isn't going to be high on your to-do list. You could do worse but you could also do a lot better.

ATTACK THE BLOCK (2011) Review

Directed by: Joe Cornish

Starring: John Boyega, Jodie Whittaker, Alex Esmail

I don't know about you, but I personally don't really like the idea of horror/comedy films. In fact the only movies in this hybrid genre I've ever really enjoyed would probably be the Evil Dead trilogy. And when I heard that ATTACK THE BLOCK came from the producers of Shaun of the Dead, I was contemplating not even watching it at all. But I don't like to judge movies without even seeing them so I sat down and watched it. And I'm actually glad I did.

Luckily for me, ATTACK THE BLOCK isn't a horror film. It's kind of a teen/sci-fi/drama/comedy mashup about a group of young thugs defending their 'block' from an alien invasion. It reminded me of that British TV show Skins, but with aliens.
Led by Moses (Boyega), the group of youths confront a lone girl at knifepoint in the dark streets of London. After stealing her valuables, a meteor falls from the sky and lands nearby. When Moses investigates, he discovers a strange creature which then proceeds to run away. The gang chase down this alien and kill it. But unfortunately for them, there are more aliens on the way. Meteors start raining down all over London, so the boys equip themselves with an array of weapons and step out to hunt down the aliens. But these aren't quite as small and easy to kill as the first creature was, and soon they find that the aliens are hunting them. They escape back to the 'safety' of their block but soon realise that they are trapped inside and desperately need to find a way out.

When you get right down to it, this is one of those 'villain turns hero' movies. It's a story which has been told thousands of times over but somehow it's still interesting. And even though this is about an alien invasion, the focus is more on character development than the actual aliens themselves. The whole movie itself is pretty predictable but there is plenty of humour and action to keep it going at a steady pace. The acting was great and whoever was in charge of casting has done an excellent job finding these young teenagers. The creature effects aren't exactly the best, with the aliens looking like a bunch of black muppets with glow in the dark chompers. But that's not going to worry you much because most of your focus will be on the main group of characters anyway.

The biggest problem I had with the movie were the kids' accents, for some reason I just found them really fucking annoying. But apart from that the movie was great. Not original, not shocking, not a lot of tension or surprises but it was still a pretty solid and entertaining romp. And hell, who doesn't like to see a kid riding a pizza delivery scooter while wielding a katana?

 For a relatively low budget debut feature, director Joe Cornish has done a brilliant job, expect to see great things from him in the future.

APOLLO 18 (2011) Review

I only just watched this a few days ago and I have to confess I liked it a lot. I know it's been getting a lot of negative reviews, and it's current score on Rotten Tomatoes is only 22%. But I'm a sucker for found footage films (well most of them) and I thought the format was perfect for this movie.

The film insists that after the last manned flight to the moon in 1972 there was another flight, a secret trip funded by the US Department of Defence. A trio of Astronauts were sent to install devices which would be used to spy on the Russians. But when they got there they uncovered a terrible secret. A Russian lander, the remains of a Cosmonaut and a deadly extra-terrestrial life form.

It's all bullshit of course, but the film's website claims it all to be true and that's the only way these found footage films really work. They need to seem real. So whether or not you believe in this conspiracy may just gauge how much you will enjoy watching the film.
I thought the best aspect of APOLLO 18 was the atmosphere it creates. The footage is supposedly from the 70s and was meant to be filmed on the moon, so obviously it isn't going to be great quality. I thought it looked and sounded great, and is probably as close as you could get to reproducing actual lunar footage. And the cameras don't seem out of place at all like they do in some of these found footage movies, because if you're going to the moon you're obviously going to want it on film.
I was disappointed that it didn't feel as tense as I thought it would, and there are plenty of opportunities for frightening moments that could have been better utilized. Even still, you can feel the panic as the Astronauts come under attack, and there is a real sense of hopelessness when they discover that the DOD don't intend to bring them back to earth.
I know that there was a lot of viral marketing before this movie hit theatres, and I was expecting to see a terrifying horror masterpiece. It was far from terrifying and far from being a masterpiece but I still enjoyed it immensely. It felt like more could have been done, but I'd still recommend seeing it at least once.

SUPER 8 (2011) Review

Directed by: J.J. Abrams

Starring: Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney, Kyle Chandler

This was one film that I was waiting to see for a long time. I watched every trailer, every TV spot and the closer it came to the release date, the more excited I got. But then when the movie was finally released in theaters it somehow slipped my mind. In fact I only watched it for the first time today. But it was definitely worth it.

I suppose the best way to describe it would be that it's a mix of E.T, Cloverfield and The Goonies with a little Stand By Me thrown in. Basically the plot revolves around a group of young friends (all male apart from one) who are filming a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. Everything is going fine until another student from their school Alica Dainard (Elle Fanning) joins their cast and they shoot a scene at the local train station. A train approaches the station and so they decide to use it in their scene. But that's when all of the trouble starts. A truck is seen driving onto onto the tracks and heads straight toward the train, and when they collide the train derails in a massive chain of explosions almost killing the children. When the dust settles, one of the young boys Joe (Joel Courtney) hears a loud banging coming from inside one of the carriages and watches in awe as the heavy steel door is blown right off its hinges. The kids realize that this was no accident, and when the military show up they have to try and unravel a secret more terrifying than any of them could imagine.

There are also a couple of subplots which help add a bit more substance to the film. The death of Joe's mother and the tension between him and his father is one, the other is a fairly run of the mill love story involving Joe and Alice. Not exactly groundbreaking but still interesting and the movie wouldn't be as good without them.

The film is set in Ohio in 1979 and plays a lot like ET, especially in the way it is filmed. The kids are pretty much a carbon copy of The Goonies, complete with the fat kid. The creature that escapes from the train carriage is never really seen clearly, but you still get a fairly good idea what it looks like, just like in Cloverfield.

The acting was good all round but especially from Elle Fanning who seemed to out-act both the kids and adults. I can't say much about the soundtrack since it didn't really seem to stick in my mind, which brings me to the conclusion that it wasn't anything special.

Despite a couple of inconsistencies (a pickup truck derailing a train and causing that much carnage, but still leaving the driver survive is one example) it was a great movie, and definitely one of the highlights of the year for me. Not exactly original, but still definitely worth seeing. And I'd definitely watch it again.