DEAD LEAVES (2004) Review

Directed by: Hiroyuki Imaishi

Starring (voices): Kappei Yamaguchi, Takako Honda, Yuko Mizutani

I really had no idea what to expect when I sat down to watch DEAD LEAVES and even after letting it all soak into my brain for a couple of days I still don't have a clear idea of what the hell just happened. I'm not the biggest anime fan in the world but I've seen my fair share and I can say without hesitation that I've never seen anything quite like DEAD LEAVES, both in terms of what goes down on screen and it's animation style.

Pandy (a young woman with a bad case of Heterochromia) and Retro (a dude with a television head) awaken completely naked with absolutely no idea of who the are, where they are or what they are doing there. So naturally they team up, go steal some clothes and a car and start shooting up the city before robbing a bank and then leading approximately a billion cops on a high speed chase, destroying as much as they can in the process. But their crime spree soon comes to an end and they find themselves on route to a prison on the Moon where they are suited up in straight-jackets and thrown in a cell. Pandy and Retro soon free themselves from their shackles by having sex (yes you read that right; sex!) and gather all of the prisoners in a frenetic, fast paced escape attempt. Along the way Pandy and Retro unlock the secret behind their mysterious past and the reason why the prison seems so familiar to them.

It's clear to see that the filmmakers didn't waste any time on a deep story or characterization, which is made most apparent when their mysterious past is explained in a ridiculous 15 second monologue. Normally this kind of seemingly lazy, throwaway explanation would get negative points from me but I was too busy trying not to have an epileptic seizure to really notice any of the weak plot points. Besides a strong story is definitely not the film's strong point, nor is it meant to be.

I always hear people talking about how good certain movies are to watch when you're high. Well DEAD LEAVES is the kind of film that will leave you feeling like you're on an acid trip no matter how sober you are. It's hard not to imagine the writers and animators producing this after a particularly strong batch of shrooms. It's pretty darn difficult to describe the animation style here but if I was pushed I guess I would say that it's like what I'd imagine if Spongebob and Patrick went on a crazy, violent, drug-fuelled crime spree. There are so many bright colors and the scenes chop and change so quickly it almost makes your head spin.

DEAD LEAVES is very entertaining with its unique animations style and its vast menagerie of weird and wonderful characters including a certain prisoner with a drill for a penis. A drill. For a penis. It does however venture into crude territory with the aforementioned drill penis guy and a scene in the prison involving poop extraction. but that's almost forgivable when a film is this fun. It's completely over the top and ridiculous but I couldn't help falling in love with it. it is however a little short at around 45 - 50 minutes and could have been longer, although I doubt my eyeballs and brain could have taken much more. Anime fans will want to see this if only for the animation and pure insanity on display. But DEAD LEAVES is also very violent with the screen sometimes being overwhelmed by explosions, blood and bullets. Not suitable for kids. Highly recommended for anime fans and people who love seeing something a little different.

ANTIVIRAL (2012) Review

Directed by: Brandon Cronenberg

Starring: Caleb Landry Jones, Sarah Gadon, Malcolm McDowell

The world showcased in ANTIVIRAL is perhaps a terrifying look at our not so distant future. Celebrity obsession has reached an all new high and televisions display around the clock footage of celebrity lives. Newspapers and magazines are rife with the latest celebrity scandals and people everywhere are discussing the latest rumors about the genitals of the rich and famous. But that’s far from the worst of it. Clinics have been set up to satisfy the community’s celebrity cravings by offering injections so that average folk can have a little bit of their favorite celebrity inside them until the day that they die. Syd March (Landry Jones) is a technician at one such company, The Lucas Clinic. During business hours he harvests viruses from high profile celebrities and then infects the clinic’s clients with them. After hours he smuggles the latest and greatest viruses out by infecting himself so they can be sold on the black market. But this extra side business eventually ends up with Syd being infected with a very deadly virus and he is going to need to uncover its secrets and origins before he becomes its next victim.

ANTIVIRAL takes the idea of celebrity obsession and asks the question; how far would you be willing to go to get as close to your idol as you could? In the film’s world some people are so fanatical that they are actually lining up to spend their money just for the chance to be infected with designer diseases straight from their favorite celebrities. Others take a trip to the local butcher to buy thick slabs of grey, unappetizing looking meat created from the muscle cells of these very same celebrities. And as disturbing a concept as this may be, the one thing I found a lot more disturbing is that it wouldn’t be too far a stretch of the imagination to think that there are some people who would be willing to do this in our own, real world.

Think about it. Some people spend a fortune on plastic surgery to look like their idols; others cut themselves in the name of their celebrity heroes, and then of course there are others still who break into the properties of the famous and stalk them. Is it really that far-fetched to believe that there are people willing to be infected with the herpes virus of flu virus taken straight from their chosen celebrity? Sadly I think not.
But then not a lot of people could honestly say that they are completely innocent of celebrity worship. Gossip magazines sell like hotcakes and people spend hours online trying to find the juiciest scandals about athletes and film stars. I myself have plastered my walls in posters of my favorite musicians and just a few months back I clambered at an opportunity to get a photo with the Soska sisters. But I like to think that I have a healthy respect for talented celebrities which is a far cry from following them around or going through their trash to find a used tissue that I could treasure for the rest of my sad life.

But anyway that’s enough about me. Let’s get back to the film.

ANTIVIRAL begins with a great establishing scene in which a young man enters the Lucas Clinic and patiently waits for his appointment. He has come to be infected by a strain of the herpes virus obtained from his favorite celebrity Hanna Geist (Gadon). Syd informs him that Hanna’s virus first appeared on the right side of her mouth, so if he were to be infected on the left side of his own mouth it would be the closest thing to being kissed by Hannah. The look on the young man’s face and his reaction perfectly convey the level of obsession and fanaticism displayed throughout the film.

ANTIVIRAL is Brandon Cronenberg’s feature debut and being the son of respected director David Cronenberg I was a little worried that his father’s style would be heavily borrowed from in Brandon’s work. Fortunately it seems that is not the case because it’s obvious that Brandon has in fact done a great job at crafting his own style and apart from the obvious influence of his father in the body horror department the film stands on its own as an original and stunning piece of work. The medical theme is extended throughout the whole film and we witness stark white-walled rooms, minimalism and a lot of symmetry. The use of color is brilliantly conceived with contrasting reds used as lipstick and blood and there is some really nice cinematography as well.

Caleb Landry Jones is front and centre in ANTIVIRAL and his performance is easily the most impressive. Over the course of the film he undergoes a complete physical and emotional change and his portrayal of Syd’s downward spiral is breathtaking and agonizing to watch. Sarah Gadon plays the celebrity Hannah Geist and although most of her scenes are spent lying ill in bed she puts on a suitably fragile and vulnerable performance. Malcolm McDowell also makes an appearance as Hannah’s doctor and as usual does a nice solid job.

ANTIVIRAL is quite a slow film but its well crafted visuals make every minute of it a delight to watch and its drony score is a perfect companion to the on screen images. With some solid performances all round, great cinematography and twisted body horror ANTIVIRAL is one film I found exceedingly enjoyable and I look forward to Brandon’s next film. It’s by no means a perfect film but for a debut is quite stunning and slick and so I give ANTIVIRAL eight celebrity steaks out of ten.

MEGAFORCE (1982) Review

Directed by: Hal Needham

Starring: Barry Bostwick, Michael Beck, Edward Mulhare, Henry Silva

"There has never been a super hero like Ace Hunter!" So reads the tagline for this futuristic action turkey, and in all honesty it's probably true. Let's just hope it's also true that there will never be a super hero like Ace Hunter ever again. Ever.


I imagine that as a teen in the 80s when this movie was released I probably would have loved it. At that age I wasn't so concerned with things like good acting and writing as much as I was about action, explosions and big stunts, and this movie has plenty of those. Unfortunately I wasn't a teen when this movie first came out, hell I wasn't even born when this movie was first released and so I'm reviewing this film for the first time at age 25.

The MEGAFORCE of the movie’s title is some sort of underground organization led by Commander Ace Hunter (a seemingly very miscast Barry Bostwick), fighting for peace and justice and all that jazz. When freedom is threatened MEGAFORCE are the ones to call, and that’s exactly what happens when Duke Guerera (Silva) and his rebels begin an invasion. General Edward Byrne-White (Mulhare) and his associate Zara (Persis Khambatta) meet with Hunter and his MEGAFORCE team to come up with a plan to stop Guerera and his army of rebels.

Perhaps the best way to describe this movie would be to say that it is essentially a live-action cartoon, something like G.I. JOE maybe. Everything is done in a very cartoonish, almost comic book style from the vehicles to the tight spandex jumpsuits, the rockets, lasers and explosions and even Ace Hunter’s rock solid hairdo. It’s easy to see that the target audience for this movie was children and teens rather than adults, and you know what? I'll bet kids back in the day loved the shit out of this movie, I know I would have. And I'll bet even nowadays people who grew up with MEGAFORCE can still watch it and enjoy it because it reminds them of the childhood. I however won’t be looking at this movie with rose-colored glasses.

Director Hal Needham is well known for his stunt work and it really shows here, there are so many scenes showing off the MEGAFORCE crew doing wheelies on their motorcycles while simultaneously firing missiles and speeding around in the dirt. But as cool as that may sound (motorbike missile wheelies? AWESOME!) the majority of the action scenes in this flick are pretty damn underwhelming.
But then again a child in the 80s would probably think that they were the motherfucking bomb.
One thing however that even a kid in the 80s couldn't fail to notice is just how horribly bad the bluescreen work towards the end of the film is. I would go out on a limb and say it is the single worst use of bluescreen I have ever seen in my life. Some may argue that it’s so bad it’s good, but I really can’t swallow that. It’s just plain bad.

And speaking of bad let’s talk about every other aspect of the movie. Even with a $20m budget (which in 1982 would have been pretty damn sizeable) the movie manages to look cheap mostly due to the horribly dated vehicles. The motorcycles with their oversized guards and orange and white and black paint jobs are futuristic in a way that only the 80s could produce. And who the hell decided that motorcycles were so damn good in the first place? Surely such a well funded and organized group such as  MEGAFORCE would have something a little more substantial and heavy duty than dirt bikes and dune buggies. Even Guerera’s rebel army have themselves a nice bunch of tanks.
And while we’re on the subject of Guerera we might as well talk about Henry Silva who is really the only character I enjoyed seeing on screen. Although I must admit I like him in pretty much everything I've seen him in. The rest of the cast do a great job of laying on the campy overacting nice and thick. And Ace Hunter’s little thumbs up freeze-frame (below) to finish off the movie? Fucking puke.

In all honestly I would have loved to see this as a kid because I know I would have enjoyed the absolute shit out of it. It’s nothing but a flashy, cheesy, brainless action fest filled with stunts and lasers and explosions and if you watch it as such you should at least find some entertainment value in it. But as far as being a good movie goes, it just simply isn't  The campy overacting, the painfully bad dialogue, the amazingly tight spandex jumpsuits and the ‘futuristic’ vehicles all make for a pretty terrible film. MEGAFORCE is pure MST3K fodder and is probably best seen with a few drinks and a few friends so that you can all share in its hilarious badness. I'm giving this three stars only for the film’s cheesily ridiculous entertainment value.

THE ABCs OF DEATH (2012) Review

Directed by: All of these people

Starring: All of These people

26 directors from around the world. 26 letters of the alphabet. 26 different short films. When I first heard about this it sounded to me like a simultaneously good and bad idea. Good because in general I'm usually a fan of anthologies but bad because having such an array of different directors means that every segment will be different and therefore not to everybody’s liking. For example fans of Ti West aren't necessarily going to be into the more bizarre style of Noboru Iguchi. But by the time the credits rolled I think I can at least say that I had been thoroughly entertained even if I didn't enjoy every segment.

The concept for this anthology is simple. Each director was given a certain letter of the alphabet, a 3 or 4 minute time limit and the theme of death. Aside from those constraints they were given complete freedom in what story they wanted to tell and how they wanted to tell it. This resulted in 26 distinctly different shorts ranging from regular live action clips to 2D animation and even stop motion. There’s nudity, sex, violence, surgery, masturbation, torture, comedy and just about everything else you’d expect from such an eclectic range of directors. But while this variety is one of the film’s strengths it is also its weakness. 

The biggest problem for me was that since this anthology revolves around the use of the alphabet and therefore they are all shown in alphabetical order, there is no real balance. You might get a few blood drenched segments followed by an over the top CGI filled clip and then there might be a few slow segments before it starts to get interesting again. A good example would be the crazy fucked up acid trip of “W Is For WTF” followed directly thereafter by the more serious “X Is For XXL” which rather than being just a short film also has a message behind it. The alphabet idea is a novel one but I almost think this would have worked better if they’d ditched it.

The full anthology runs for around 2 hours and I would say that I enjoyed about half of the shorts on offer. So basically I got a solid hour of entertainment out of this which is not bad at all. I can’t really go into any of the clips too much because their short running times make it difficult not to spoil them but I will however list a few of my favorite segments that I think are well worth checking out.

“D Is For Dogfight” was perhaps my favorite of the lot. It looked really clean and crisp and the whole short is shown in slow motion which worked exceedingly well. 
“S Is For Speed” I thought was quite a clever and well done visual metaphor for drug abuse. 
“X Is For XXL” was a nice gruesome clip with a serious and no so subtle message behind it. 
“O Is For Orgasm” – I'm not so sure that I enjoyed this one that much but it looked really fucking cool.
And there are others of course but the less I say about them the more you'll probably enjoy them.

But for every good short it seemed that there was an equally bad or at least disappointing one. Some didn't seem to fit properly into such a short running time, others just didn't make sense at all and some were just plain shit. And if you’re not familiar with Japanese films and directors like Noboru Iguchi then you are just going to think that the few Japanese shorts here are plain fucking bizarre.

THE ABCs OF DEATH is a hard film to recommend. If you’re a fan of anthologies like I am then definitely go and see it because it is essentially the ultimate anthology. If you’re not so much a fan of anthologies or of short films (uber short films in this case) then obviously you'll want to stay away. But if you don’t really care either way about them and if you have an open mind when it comes to different directors and styles then I say go for it. Even if you only enjoy a quarter of the clips on offer that’s still a good half hour of entertainment, and who knows? Maybe you'll discover some talent out there you've never heard of before.

At its worst THE ABCs OF DEATH is an eclectic collection of hits and misses that isn't going to satisfy everybody. At its best it is a delightfully varied sampler of the wide array of talent we have out there in the horror genre. In fact it’s kind of like those Whitman’s sampler chocolate boxes. There’s plenty of good stuff in there but every now and then you bite into one that doesn't taste too good.

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) Review

Directed by: Tom Graeff

Starring: David Love, Dawn Bender, Bryan Grant

A few years back I was rummaging around in a dvd bargain bin and ended up scoring a bunch of Bela Lugosi films for super cheap. I also spied another movie which I’d never heard of before. That movie was TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE. Everything about the dvd case indicated that it would be a terrible movie of Ed Wood-like proportions but I bought it anyway. The only reason I bought it was because it reminded me think of that Misfits song ‘Teenagers From Mars’ and I wondered if maybe it was what the song was written about. And besides, even if it was shit I’d only wasted 2 bucks on it.

Unfortunately the movie seemed to have nothing at all to do with the Misfits song (the song never mentioned lobsters or ray guns) but on the bright side it ended up being one of the most (unintentionally) hilarious movies I have ever seen. I've watched it at least 4 or 5 times by now and it is still as enjoyable as it was that first time.

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE follows a crew of humanoid aliens who land on Earth with plans to colonize it with ‘Gargons’ which seem to be the aliens’ main ‘cattle’ and food supply. Apparently nobody involved in this movie had a single creative bone in their body because in place of the Gargon they have simply used what looks like an ordinary, everyday lobster. Oh the horror!
As the aliens land a dog wanders along so of course one of the aliens – the cruel Thor - blasts it with his ray gun. Noticing the writing on the dog’s collar tag, soft-hearted alien Derek realizes that the planet seems to be inhabited by intelligent creatures and questions whether they should really endanger the native inhabitants by raising their Gargon herds here.

An argument between Derek and the others ends with Derek running off. After a communication from the leader of their home planet the remaining aliens discover that Derek is the leader’s son! So Thor will need to find him and bring him back until the other aliens return with the Gargon herds. Meanwhile the Gargon specimen is hidden inside a nearby cave so that nobody stumbles across it. Since the Earth’s atmosphere will let the creature grow to millions of times its original size it is restrained with expandable leg bands so that it will not escape.

Derek arrives in town and tracks down the address on the dog tag he picked up. He runs into Betty and her grandfather but Thor is hot on his heels.

Now let’s talk about just what makes this movie so bad and so incredibly funny. We’ll start with the ray guns.
Basically they look like toy guns with mirrors glued onto the end so that when they are pointed at a camera at the correct angle they reflect sunlight which I assume is supposed to represent a laser… or something. And when a human is hit by one of these rays it blasts their flesh of, leaving only a (obviously plastic) skeleton. Maybe in the 50s this was considered gruesome and terrifying but nowadays it’s just laughable.
I won't even go into how ridiculous some of the dialogue is, or the acting. But I really do need to talk about the 'horrifying' Gargon.

The most hilarious part of this movie comes when you first see the Gargon after its massive increase in size. Although technically you don’t even see it, you only see a silhouette. I guess after spending half of the budget on plastic skeletons, plastic toy guns and futuristic v-stripe jumpsuits there wasn't enough left over for a real monster so the filmmakers just had somebody hold a lobster in front of a projector so that its shadow appeared on screen, making it look colossal. You really need to see it to know how ridiculous it looks.

As much as I’d love to give this movie a good rating I honestly can’t. Maybe in the 50s it was a decent film but even back then I can’t imagine it being anything particularly good. It’s a terribly made film, the acting is bad, the dialogue is horrible, and the fact that they used a lobster for the monster is laughable. And the teenagers from the film’s title don’t seem to make an appearance at all, as the aliens here are all clearly much too old to be teens. But don’t let that discourage you. If you’re into Ed Wood’s work or 50s sci-fi then you should be able to find room for this terrible but incredibly entertaining flick.
I'm giving this 4 stars purely for the entertainment factor.

Horror Feast: Post Apocalyptic Trash

What better way to celebrate surviving the end of the world than to sit back and watch some post apocalyptic trash? But rather than rewatch classics like ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK or MAD MAX (both of which I fucking love) I thought I'd instead watch some of the many films which came out in the 80s in a bid to cash in on the post nuke craze.

1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982)

The first film in Enzo G. Castellari's BRONX WARRIORS trilogy borrows heavily not only from the John Carpenter classic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, but also films like THE WARRIORS and even A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. The Bronx have been been cordoned off from the rest of society and with no law and order they have been declared a kind of no-man's land, ruled by the various gangs which inhabit the area. One of these gang's are a group of bikers led by their fearless leader Trash, and when the daughter of a large corporate president winds up in the Bronx, Trash takes it upon himself to protect her.
It's obvious the gangs are supposed to be cool and menacing in that WARRIORS style but between the ridiculous outfits, face paint and choreography they just come off as silly. A tap dancing gang? Really? However if you can look past the flaws (of which there are many) there are a few good scenes in here and this is a great film to watch and have a laugh with a few friends and a few beers. There are also a few nice additions to the cast with George Eastman (who is in a LOT of these post nuke movies) and blaxploitation legend Fred Williamson.

ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (1983)

The year after BRONX WARRIORS was released this sequel came along with the return of director Enzo G. Castellari and a couple of the original cast members; most importantly Mark Gregory who steps back into the role of Trash. 10 years on from the events of the first film and things in the Bronx aren't looking so good.
The GC Corporation has plans to demolish and rebuild the entire area to make it nice and liveable again, but first it needs to vacate the inhabitants. Disinfestation squads are sent in to wipe everybody out to make way for demolition. But of course Trash doesn't take kindly to this idea and along with a group of underground thugs they come up with a plan to kidnap the President of the corporation.
The whole movie is action packed and full of explosions, gunshots and flame throwers. Although there is barely any gore the body count is huge and there's plenty of slow-motion bodies flying through the air. It's still cheesy and full of the things which made the first movie so terrible (and awesome) but I'd have to say that this sequel is a lot more entertaining that the original. If you liked the first movie then you'll probably appreciate this too.



THE NEW BARBARIANS (1983)

Even though these three films are referred to as the Bronx Warriors Trilogy, THE NEW BARBARIANS (aka WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND) really isn't connected at all apart from having the same director and some returning cast members, namely Fred Williamson and George Eastman. And this time around it seems that Mr Castellari has decided to rip off George Miller's THE ROAD WARRIOR.
A group of wasteland warriors who call themselves the Templars are on a mission to exterminate all surviving humans as punishment for being born, or something. Luckily for everybody else Mad Max Scorpion and his pal Nadir have come to save the day!
Things to look out for here are the ridiculous Templar outfits with huge shoulder pads, the strange rape scene and of course the fact that everything seems to be spray painted silver to look more er... futuristic. The best thing about the whole movie? The awesome electro soundtrack from Goblin's Claudio Simonetti. The movie is worth checking out for that alone.

SHE WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND (1988)

Most post apocalyptic films are dominated by men, but SHE WOLVES (aka PHOENIX THE WARRIOR) is the exact opposite. The entire male population of Earth has been wiped out by some type of bacteriological virus and has left only small tribes of female warriors to fend for themselves in the wasteland. One tribe is led by the mystical (and fucking hideous) Reverend Mother who has discovered that a woman named Keela is pregnant with a male child. She sends her right hand woman Cobalt (Persis Khambatta from STAR TREK) to find the child so that the Reverend Mother can become all powerful and create some sort of super race. Phoenix (Halloween 4's Kathleen Kinmont) takes it upon herself to protect Keela and her child.
This is a terribly written and acted film full of cheesy scenes. On the plus side we get to see topless babes bathing underneath waterfalls and some pretty neat girl on girl fighting. Unfortunately the ending is just about as underwhelming as you could expect.



2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983)

Yet another film trying to cash in on ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, complete with a Snake Plissken lookalike and a bunch of PLANET OF THE APES rejects. The protagonist Parsifal (yes that's really his name) is sent into the bowels of New York in search of what just may be the only fertile woman left on the planet. Success will grant him a seat on a space flight so that a new colony of humans can begin on a distant planet. George Eastman appears for the third time on this list, this time as the leader of a group of ape people.
Nobody quite makes these rip-off exploitations movies quite like the Italians did in the 80s and 2019 is a fun film with a lot of action, violence, gunfights and a nice synth score.
In all honesty the film is pretty lousy in regards to writing, acting and most other areas, but it's a nice addition to the Italian post nuke exploitation genre and has its fair share of enjoyable scenes.

STORAGE 24 (2012) Review

Directed by: Johannes Roberts

Starring: Noel Clarke, Colin O'Donoghue, Antonia Campbell-Hughes

It’s been a while since I last saw a really good movie involving aliens, well not really that long I suppose since last year’s SUPER 8 was pretty damn impressive. I never understood what the big deal was about ATTACK THE BLOCK though, but here we have another alien movie from the UK; STORAGE 24. Will it fill the void?

The title refers to where the movie takes place, a 24 hour storage facility. You know those places with rows and rows of locked storage rooms which you can hire and fill with all of your crap. Anyway, right at the start of the movie there is a plane crash, but not just any ordinary plane. This is a military plane and we all know what that means right? Obviously it was carrying some type of top secret cargo which in this case comes in the form of a vicious bipedal alien. After escaping from its container it makes its way into the storage facility to hide out. Electrical problems due to the plane crash are causing the storage facility to have some problems and soon all of its occupants find themselves trapped inside.

Inside the facility we have three friends who are sorting through Shelley’s (Campbell-Hughes) stuff after a break up with her boyfriend. Boyfriend Charlie (Clarke) and friend Mark (O'Donoghue) show up and there’s some whining and bitching (mostly from Charlie) about why they broke up and what went wrong and blah blah blah.
But of course soon they discover that they’re not alone in building and that whatever is after them is fast, cunning, deadly and not human. Now they have more important things to worry about rather than their relationship woes, thank fuck.

You’d think that putting a small group of people in a confined space with a vicious alien would make for good cinema, but I guess it’s not always the case. Firstly the characters are so annoying or bland that you don’t care one way or the other whether they live or die. Secondly the opportunity to create some mood and tension has been completely wasted here and instead we are treated to a lot of pointless arguing and running around as the alien picks these people off one by one.

All of the attack sequences for some reason are filmed in close-up and I found myself just begging for a nice medium shot just so I could actually see what was going on.

Thankfully there is a bit of blood and gore and it’s the good old fashioned practical kind, and the alien itself looks pretty menacing. But the fact remains that too much of the movie is taken up by these annoying characters (mostly Charlie; it’s no wonder your girlfriend dumped you, you whiny little shit) and their stupid relationship subplot. And the ending. Oh the ending. Is that really the best they could come up with? I could not think of a more predictable finish to the film. But at least it fits with the rest of the movie which is also predictable, bland and void of any tension or atmosphere. What they've done here is take an interesting location, a nice, simple premise with plenty of potential and they've just wasted it. As far as alien movies go this year I would rather watch MEN IN BLACK III again, at least it had some laughs and entertainment value.

DECAY (2012) Review

Directed by: Luke Thompson

Starring: Zoe Hatherell, Tom Procter, Stewart Martin-Haugh

You know what I like? Free horror movies. You know what I don’t like so much? The endless spewing forth of shit zombie films. There are so many it’s as though I could throw a rock blindfolded and still manage to hit about ten of them. However there is one thing that can persuade me to check out a new zombie flick and that’s the promise of something new and fresh. Sure, a lot of the time these claims turn out to be complete bullshit but what about in the case of DECAY? A free movie set and filmed at the CERN Large Hadron Collider… with zombies? I know what you’re thinking; did I just read that right? Yes. Yes you did. But an awesome premise means nothing if the movie can’t match up to it, so how does DECAY stack up?

 As has already been mentioned, DECAY takes place at the CERN Institute, primarily inside the world’s largest particle collider nestled 100 metres underneath France and Switzerland. Four physics students (played by real life physics students apparently) are volunteered to man the control room during the absence of one of the professors who is leading a technical team down into the tunnels to fix some kind of problem. Suddenly and inexplicably the Large Hadron Collider begins running seemingly by its own volition, an event that shouldn’t be able to take place while there are people down there. After some panicking one of the students shuts the machine down, but not before it has baked everybody in the tunnels with a lethal amount of Higgs radiation. With the phones down and the elevator not running, the only way out is through the access tunnels. But has the radiation really killed the technical crew?

I’ll bet a few of you who are reading this are wondering the same thing I was worrying about at first. Are these actual zombies? Or just some irradiated CHERNOBYL DIARIES type freaks? Well rest assured they are zombies in as much as they are reanimated corpses (it’s all explained in the movie with science and stuff). And what better place to put a bunch of zombies than an isolated, claustrophobic, subterranean maze?
Unfortunately although this would seem to be the perfect environment for some creepy, panicky, and action-packed moments I don’t feel that the filmmakers really got as much out of the location as they could have. Since the film was supposedly shot at the actual LHC maybe they had to hold back in fear of doing damage to the equipment? I don’t know. Regardless they still did a good job of creating an appropriate atmosphere with flickering lights, shadows, the distant gurgling and moaning of zombies and any sounds seemingly amplified in the dead silence.

And what about the effects? I hear you ask. Well I hate to say it but there’s a bunch of kind of dodgy looking CGI and not enough practical going on here. And the film also commits one of the worst effects sins ever; CGI blood. I can’t understand why any film should be using digital blood, unless that blood is being used for an effect which would be impossible otherwise. I can understand that the budget here wasn’t huge but really I would have preferred having no digital blood, even if it meant less blood overall in the film.

I should mention that the entire film doesn’t take place in the Collider, in fact there is a fairly sizeable chunk at the beginning where we see the students getting ready for some kind of emergency meeting. There’s some character development and some kind of love triangle introduced but it’s not very deep and all it did was make me want the radioactive zombie action to start already.

So overall DECAY isn’t a great film but then I don’t know all of the details. If it really was shot at the CERN Super Collider maybe there were safety and time restraints to deal with. I still think it could have ditched the CGI blood or at least toned it down. But hey the movie’s free so I can’t complain too much. Check it out if you’re a fan of zombie flicks, after all what have you got to lose apart from 75 minutes of your life?

THE HUNGER GAMES (2012) Review

Directed by: Gary Ross

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Wes Bentley

I went into THE HUNGER GAMES with more than a little trepidation. My biggest concern was that the basic plot - a group of children sent out into the wilderness with the goal of killing each other – sounded strikingly similar to one of my favorite films of all time, BATTLE ROYALE. But the two movies are only really similar when you strip them down to the bare bones, once they have been fleshed out with subplot and character development and everything else; they become two completely different movies.

In a futuristic world, the nation of Panem is divided into 12 districts which are resided over by the Capitol. Each year the Hunger Games are held and two children - one male, one female - are chosen from each district to compete. The Games are both a form of entertainment and retribution for a past rebellion. The children competing must fight to the death. When Katniss Everdeen's (Lawrence) sister is chosen, she volunteers herself instead. Along with another boy Peeta (Hutcherson) from her district, Katniss finds herself competing against the other children in the ultimate death match.

Another concern of mine was that due to the fact the book (from which this film was adapted) was so hugely popular with teens and young adults, the violent nature of the movie would need to be toned down considerably in order to pull in a younger audience. I have to admit that I haven’t read any of the books in the series so I don’t really know if the violence has been toned down or not. I would hazard a guess though and say that it probably has been, because overall THE HUNGER GAMES isn’t as bloody or gory as one might expect – especially for a movie based around the idea of people killing other people. The subject matter of children killing each other is obviously still pretty brutal though and has undoubtedly sparked plenty of debate about whether it’s appropriate for children blah, blah, blah etc. But I’ll leave the moral and ethical side of things for somebody else to discuss.

Despite my trepidation and concerns about toned down violence, THE HUNGER GAMES really surprised me. I was worried that it would drag on way too long before getting into the action but thankfully it doesn't. There’s still a bit of a wait until the actual games start, but this time is used quite well for character development and to get a feel for the people and how they feel towards the games.
And when the action does begin it travels along at a nice, brisk pace right through to final kill.

Visually the movie is quite amazing, perhaps too amazing. I had really hoped for something a lot darker and grittier, but once again I am reminded that this has to be aimed at a younger audience. When the contestants leave their quaint little districts and arrive in the big city everything is suddenly bigger, brighter and shinier. And then we come to the costumes. Why is it that all of these futuristic, dystopian films either have everybody dressing in identical drab suits or outlandish, colorful, over the top outfits? It makes me think that they could (and should) have spent less money on these horrible costumes and more in other places it was needed. Like maybe some more practical effects (those CGI dog-monster-things look terrible).

As for the acting and writing well I can’t really find much to complain about. The acting was pretty decent across the board and everything seemed to flow nice and smoothly. Jennifer Lawrence takes centre stage and she does a fine job, it’s easy to see her having quite a successful career. Once again I’ll mention that I haven’t read the book so I’m not sure how much the story here deviates from the source material.
But apart from some issues like the over use of CGI, the number of off-camera kills and the ugly fucking outfits, THE HUNGER GAMES was actually not too bad at all. I still prefer BATTLE ROYALE but both movies have their own merits and both are quite enjoyable. If you’re one of those people worried about the similarities to BATTLE ROYALE (like I was) then don’t worry, THE HUNGER GAMES has enough originality to stand on its own.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012) Review

Directed by: Drew Goddard

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Jesse Williams

Since THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is one of those movies where you're better off going in knowing as little as possible, I won't say too much and so this will be a pretty short review.

The movie starts off in possibly the most cliché way imaginable. Five young friends are preparing for a trip to a cabin deep in the woods, to get away from everything and basically chill out. The characters represent what you might expect to see in any of the FRIDAY THE 13TH films, there's the amorous couple, the stoner, the nerdy nice guy and the shy 'virgin'. On their way to the cabin they come across a run-down, backwater gas station where they are met by a run-down, backwater man. Vague and ominous warnings are of course ignored and they continue on their way. They finally arrive and get settled in, but once the cellar door is flung open, shit starts to get crazy.

As I said this will be a short review because I know if I say too much it could easily spoil the movie.First of all I'll say that this is definitely not what you're expecting. It starts out cliché as fuck, but soon everything is completely flipped on its head. It's not a particularly scary movie although it is absolutely full of elements you would find in just about every horror movie you've ever seen. Parody, cliches and stereotypes are all used here but they are used in such a way that brings a really different vibe to the film.

There's a nice blend of horror, sci-fi and comedy here, and lots of surprises to be had. You'll also undoubtedly see lots of references to other horror films along the way. And if you look deep enough you may even get a clear view of the metaphorical, philosophical side of the film. This actually hit me a couple of days after initially watching it, and it is honestly really, really clever.
As for the technical side of the movie, it's actually pretty damn good. It looks great, it sounds great, the acting and writing are both good and the pacing is nice. Makeup and practical effects look awesome although there is a sudden burst of CGI which I could probably have done without.
The best part about it though is that it's something new. Something different. And that's as good a reason to go see it as any. Highly recommended.

STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION (2012) Review

Directed by: Shinji Aramaki

Starring (voices): Luci Christian, David Matranga, David Wald

The bugs are back and I couldn't be happier. Paul Verhoeven's original STARSHIP TROOPERS is undoubtedly a cult classic but unfortunately it's sequels were not so well received. I know from personal experience that the second was a steaming pile of crap and I've heard from many that the third is even worse. Surely the one thing we didn't need was yet another sequel, right? Wrong. STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is so much better than the second film (probably the third too) and in some ways could even be considered superior to the original. It throws the satire of the original aside in favor of more explosions and bug stomping action, but it is still a very enjoyable film.

When the starship John. A. Warden - commandeered by psychic officer Carl Jenkins - suddenly goes dark and ceases communications, General Johnny Rico (Matranga) dispatches an experienced group of soldiers to make contact and hopefully bring the starship back. When the soldiers find and board the ship they stumble into a bloodbath. The entire crew is dead and it is evident that a bug infestation has taken place. They find a sole survivor in Carl Jenkins, who warns them not to turn the ship's power back on, but too late. When the ship is powered back up, a Queen which has taken up residence in the engine room, takes command of the ship. Seemingly thousands of warrior bugs are suddenly set loose on the ship and the starship itself is headed straight towards Earth. It's up to Major Henry 'Hero' Varro (Wald), Captain Carmen Ibanez (Christian) and the rest of the troopers to try and stop the ship from reaching their home planet.

With multiple STARSHIP TROOPERS media around (three movies, some games, an animated TV show etc.) we should probably talk about exactly where this latest instalment fits in. It's not really explained but it seems to be a direct sequel to the first film, with some familiar faces who are a little older and (in most cases) a little wiser.
Rico is now a General, Ibanez is Captain of her own ship and Carl Jenkins is the head of a special ESP unit.
But for the bulk of the film there are a bunch of fresh new faces taking centre stage, and of course they all have their own cute nicknames like Bugspray, Ice Blonde, Ratzass, Trig and so on. Their leader is the highly decorated 'Hero' who has recently been arrested by Jenkins for reasons unknown. Unfortunately most of these characters are pretty one-dimensional and they are all really just a gathering of tired old stereotypes.
But eventually Rico gets right into the action and soon our trio of old friends have a long awaited reunion.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that this is an animated film? That's probably an important thing to mention. But this is that photo realistic kind of animation like you would find in RESIDENT EVIL: DEGENERATION and similar films. And it's actually done pretty damn well. The characters themselves look a little 'off' but as soon as they are wearing their big, bulky mechanical suits they look badass.
The bugs themselves look really good as well, and there are even some new ones here - ones which spit deadly blue plasma from their asses. But mostly they are made up of hundreds or thousands of those standard warrior type bugs. You know, those ones which can tear your head of in a half a second.

Sure the plot isn't very deep and neither are any of the characters, but the action sequences are fast paced and the detail in the CGI is better than I would have expected. There is plenty of bug killing action here and there is even quite a bit of blood and gore. A particularly good scene shows the troopers boarding the starship (which has a very eerie Dead Space vibe) where they are greeted by dismembered bodies floating around in the zero gravity. Nice.

Another drawback I found personally disappointing was the fact that even though Casper Van Dien is named as an executive producer, for some reason he didn't lend his voice to Johnny Rico. That would have been a nice touch for fans of the original. There are a few nods to Verhoeven's film though, and even the gratuitous female nudity and pervy shower shots are reminiscent of that first movie.
All in all STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is pretty damn good. A big surprise for me. If you're a fan of the original then you should definitely see this.