WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson, Roxanne McKee

You’d think I would have learned my lesson after watching the abysmal fourth entry into this withered franchise but apparently not. Another straight to video effort from the same director as WT4. Did I somehow expect this to be good? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that by the time the credits rolled I had wasted a good hour and a half watching a completely pointless movie. And when I say this is a pointless addition to the franchise I mean it. As bad as the fourth film was at least it was (trying) to tell an origins story but this fifth one has nothing. Even Doug Bradley couldn't save it.

Following on from the prequel WRONG TURN 4, this movie shows the three inbred fucks after leaving the abandoned mental hospital. They have somehow managed to shack up with a deranged killer Maynard (Doug Bradley) on the edge of a small West Virginia town. And by a huge coincidence this town just so happens to have an annual ‘Mountain Man Festival’ – a festival which according to the film is as big as Lollapalooza and in which everybody dresses as – you guessed it – mountain men. A group of pill-popping, shroom-munching kids on their way to the festival run into some trouble when they meet Maynard and they all (including Maynard) get hauled back to the town jail and locked up. But Maynard doesn't seem too worried because as he keeps reminding the Sherriff (Arfwedson) “My boys are coming”.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems that the core of this movie has been borrowed straight from 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, with Maynard locked up in police custody waiting for his boys to descend on the town and break him out. In 30 DAYS all of the cell phones are destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Here the cell tower itself is destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Coincidence? I think not.
But just because WT5 shares some similarities with another film is no reason to hate it right? Right. Because there are plenty of other, better reasons for that.

Like this one for example: The ‘big as Lollapalooza’ Mountain Man Festival is apparently in full swing yet there is no sign of it. We don’t hear it and apart from a few people wandering around early in the film we don’t see it either. And if it really is as big as Lollapalooza and this town is so small, how the hell do a group of kids manage to get a hotel room at such short notice? Does this festival even exist? I might be nitpicking here but I can’t help it. The film puts so much importance on this festival that its absence is really obvious and confusing.

If there is one single thing about this movie which annoyed and frustrated me more than any other it has got to be the Sherriff. She let loose four kids (found with an assload of drugs in their car which they crashed into a tree just prior to kicking the crap out of a man) essentially because they asked to be let go. Then to make things worse she lets the remaining boy out of his cell, deputises him and gives him a fucking shotgun. Insanity.
At one point much to my surprise I found myself giving the film a mental “Hooray!” because the Sherriff at least had enough sense to tell everybody to stick together instead of splitting up. But that feeling didn’t last because about 2 minutes later the Sherriff ran off on her own to try and find a radio…

And while we’re on the subject of annoying characters I’d like to nominate some more, like for example ALL OF THEM. But most notably Doug Bradley’s Maynard who would not shut the fuck up and the three inbred fuckers who for some reason giggled through the whole movie like a pack of retarded hyenas. Then again maybe they’re just laughing at how bad their makeup looks. Have I mentioned the makeup yet? No? Well it’s by far the worst of any of the films in the franchise. It just looks lazy and all too obviously fake to me.

At least we get to see some nice death scenes (and there’s hardly any nasty CGI in sight) but even these aren't as good or original as they could have been and they somehow come across as if they are clever or intricate even though they aren't. Like if Jigsaw created a trap right after he had a stroke.
So there you have it. There’s pretty much nothing good about this movie at all unless you’re satisfied with sitting back and watching a whole lot of pointless and mediocre death scenes glued together with the thinnest of plots. WRONG TURN completionists will want to see this but I don’t recommend it to anybody else living or dead.

INBRED (2012) Review

Directed by: Alex Chandon

Starring: Jo Hartley, James Doherty, Chris Waller

A movie titled INBRED. Pretty predictable isn't it? A bunch of city kids find themselves stalked by inbred rednecks somewhere in the deep south of the US right? Wrong. In fact this particular film takes place in the UK, which is something that intrigued me right away. What are English backwoods inbreds like? Do they drink tea and eat scones? Who the fuck knows, the best thing to do here is jump right into the movie and see what happens.

Kate (Hartley) and Jeff (Doherty) are driving a quartet of troubled youths through the English countryside, heading to a small town. This retreat is supposed to be some sort of project to help the four kids. Somehow. But that’s not important. What’s important is that after arriving at their run-down shithole of a vacation house they put all of their mobile phones in a bag and leave them behind (great idea guys!) then decide to take a trip to the local pub. As soon as they open the door and step inside all eyes are upon them. These eyes happen to belong to a throng of greasy, dirty, stringy-haired fellows with bad teeth and an appearance that suggests they are all each other’s brothers, uncles and sons. In fact only the barkeeper seems to be a normal, friendly guy. He even makes the group of newcomers a fresh batch of lemonade. Sure it tastes like warm piss but hey, what are you gonna do? At least it was free. He even sells them some homemade snacks which look suspiciously like shrivelled up, hairy pieces of person. What a nice guy.

The city folk head out to an old abandoned train yard for what I assume is supposed to be some sort of fun, team-building scavenger hunt. However Dwight (Waller) (the douche bag of the group) manages to turn it into a ‘let’s smash the absolute fuck out of everything’ activity. Two of the other youths have a run in with a pair of backwoods freaks before the others come to intervene. Unfortunately while trying to be a tough motherfucker Jeff falls and cuts his leg open on a big chunk of steel. Blood everywhere.
Back at the pub they ask somebody to call an ambulance, and this is the point where everything turns to shit.

So I suppose apart from the setting it is pretty predictable, until we get to the killing that is. Although the English villains are just as sinister as their American counterparts, these enterprising British inbreds aren't just intent on making their victims squeal like piggies or carving them up for their dinner. No, they have decided to make a spectacle of it. The whole town turns up to watch. It’s a fucking hit. Even the nice barkeeper gets involved, blackfacing himself up and putting on a spiffy red jacket like a circus ringleader. Then he announces the main attractions, which I won’t reveal. Let’s just say that they involve vegetables, animals and other things.
Speaking of killing though we should talk about the gore and effects. First of all there is plenty of the red stuff and some good looking practical effects. But there is also quite a bit of CGI that I found a little distracting. Overall though it’s not too bad. Some of the death scenes are quite unique too.

So I guess in the end INBRED isn't as predictable as you might first expect. There isn't anything groundbreaking brought to the table but there are enough fresh touches to keep you interested. And more importantly it’s a fun movie. I particularly liked the attitude of the inbreds themselves. Rather than sprinting through the woods in hot pursuit of their victims they take a more care-free approach, skipping along singing old folky songs and leaving the escapees to the mercy of their booby-traps. It’s a shame about the CGI but at least they haven’t gone completely overboard with it and had the good sense to use it in collaboration with some good old practical stuff. And as far as backwoods inbred movies go it’s a hell of a lot better than what that piece of shit WRONG TURN franchise has turned into. If you see one British, backwoods inbred film this year make sure it is INBRED.

Horror Feast: Sushi Typhoon

For those who don't know, Sushi Typhoon is a Japanese production company specializing in low budget horror, sci-fi & fantasy films. A collective consisting of directors Takashi Miike (ICHI THE KILLER), Yoshihiro Nishimura (TOKYO GORE POLICE), Sion Sono (SUICIDE CLUB), Noboru Iguchi (THE MACHINE GIRL), Tak Sakaguchi (YOROI: SAMURAI ZOMBIE), Yudai Yamaguchi (BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL) and Seiji Chiba (EVIL NINJA).
If you've seen any of the movies I've just mentioned then you should have a pretty good idea of what you're in for when it comes to a Sushi Typhoon release. For those who haven't, well buckets of blood, absurd amounts of violence and cheap digital effects are the order of the day.
So without further ado, let's get into this shit.

DEADBALL (2011)

As a young child, Jubei discovers the insanely powerful force of his pitching arm when he unwittingly destroys his father's head with a baseball. Needless to say he vows never to play ball again. Cut to a few years later and Jubei is a vigilante, visiting violence upon evil-doers. He is caught and sent to a prison for juveniles which is run by a Nazi headmistress who encourages him to join the prison ball team. But their first match against the ridiculously hot and brutal Saint Black Dahlia girls reveals that this is no ordinary baseball game. Blood is what the spectators have come to see.
Exploding heads, elbow-deep cavity searches, vomit eating, Nazis and robots, this movie has it all. And the lead character Jubei (played to perfection by Tak Sakaguchi) is so awesomely cool that he can pluck lit cigarettes out of thin air any time he wants.
Sure the acting isn't great, the story either, and the special effects are cheesy as fuck, but all in all DEADBALL is a explosively fun movie with plenty of gore and humor and is very entertaining.

YAKUZA WEAPON (2011)

Tak Sakaguchi once more takes centre stage but rather than being a juvenile delinquent with a killer pitching arm, here he plays Shozo the unstoppable Yakuza killing machine. Just like Jubei in DEADBALL, Shozo is almost impossibly cool. Like so cool that he can scare landmines just by glaring at them, or catch RPGs with his bare hands, or stand in the middle of a jungle firefight smoking a cigarette while bullets go whizzing past his head. That cool.
Shozo returns to Japan after 4 years abroad to avenge the death of his father who was a big time Yakuza boss. Upon returning to his family's former headquarters he learns that his father was betrayed. Violence and action ensue. But it's not until he gets a cyborg makeover that things get really exciting. A mixture of ROBOCOP & MACHINE GIRL & that special something that only the Japanese seem to possess, YAKUZA WEAPON is over the top, non-stop action with a huge body count.

HELLDRIVER (2011)

DEADBALL and YAKUZA WEAPON may have been totally bizarre but Yoshihiro Nishimura's HELLDRIVER is on a whole other level. A meteorite has crashed in Japan, releasing a cloud of toxic ash which turns people into bloodthirsty zombies (not technically zombies but whatever). Young girl Kika leads a group charged with tracking down and killing the zombie queen - who just so happens to be her crazy, homicidal mother.
Kika carries with her a chainsaw/katana hybrid; a chainsword (not sure if that's what it's called but it's definitely what it should be called). Needless to say chainsword + zombies = lots of blood and limbs flying all over the place. Other things you will see in this strange fucking movie include a car made out of zombies (seriously), lots of exploding heads, flesh eating, and of course gallons and gallons of the red stuff. What more could you ask for?

MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD (2010)

Tak Sakaguchi, Yoshihiro Nishimura and Noboru Iguchi work together to bring forth the ridiculous insanity that is MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD. It follows young schoolgirl Rin, who on her 16th birthday discovers that she is the descendant of an ancient race of mutants known as Hilko. She sees her parents killed in front of her and is rescued and recruited by a group of Hilko who train her so that she can understand her full powers. After being sent on her first mission, Rin finds herself unable to kill innocent humans and so confronts the other Hilko. Basically this is a bloody, gory riff on the X-Men, full of lowbrow humor, cheap effects and sexy mutant schoolgirls. Their 'super powers' range from claws and tentacle arms right through to titty-swords and ass-chainsaws. And the blood, oh the blood. There is tons of the stuff. It's everywhere, raining down, splattering the camera, shooting out of limbless stumps. So much blood.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES (2012) Review

Directed by: Bradley Parker

Starring: Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Dimitri Diatchenko

The Ukrainian ghost town of Pripyat would seem (to me at least) to be a perfect place to set a horror movie. If you've seen photos of its crumbling buildings, overgrown vegetation and forgotten belongings littering the place, you'll know just how eerie a place it looks. So CHERNOBYL DIARIES already has a guaranteed awesome location (Well technically the movie wasn't filmed on location in Pripyat, however if you compare photos to the scenery in the movie you can see that they have done a great job in trying to recreate the look), but what about the rest of the movie?

We start off with a video montage showing a group of American tourists goofing their way around Europe. This is the only real representation of the video diary aspect hinted at in the title. Cut to the same tourists talking about 'extreme tourism' which consists of being taken to Pripyat by a dodgy ex-special forces tour guide. After being turned away from a checkpoint they find a back way in and start to make their way through the abandoned city while their guide Uri (Diatchenko) talks them through the history of the place.
After spending a short time there the group are ready to leave, but surprise, surprise, the van they travelled there in has been sabotaged. Soon they realize that they are not alone in Pripyat. Something is stalking them in the shadow of Chernobyl.

The biggest selling point of this movie seems to be that it was penned by Oren Peli, the creator of the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise. Obviously for PA fans this will be a major draw and even people who hated the PA franchise (like me) will be interested to see how Peli does outside of that tired spookfest.
Although the movies differ vastly in both location, format (no found footage here - save for the short intro sequence) and atmosphere, they are both similar when you get down to the bare bones. Both PA and CHERNOBYL DIARIES show a small group of people running around in the dark, screaming and crying and acting stupid while being pursued by an unknown enemy. So in essence Peli hasn't really strayed far from his comfort zone at all.

The scenes after the group arrive at Pripyat are probably the most interesting in the whole film. Uri goes through some short snatches of history and they make their way through eerily empty buildings. Once they get back to the van and find it sabotaged though, things get very predictable, cliché and stupid. And dark too. This movie is very dark. Sometimes this is a good way to ratchet up the tension but unfortunately for CHERNOBYL DIARIES it seems that the intense darkness is there to hide the film's shortcomings rather than to enhance the atmosphere.

The writing is lousy, the acting is average at best, the 'scares' are cheap and everything (apart from the setting) just feels like it has been recycled from other horror films. Films like WRONG TURN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and THE DESCENT come to mind but CHERNOBYL DIARIES doesn't even come close to any of them.

HANGER (2009) Review

Directed by: Ryan Nicholson

Starring: Dan Ellis, Nathan Dashwood, Ronald Patrick Thompson

For the second time in as many weeks I've been subjected to a film by Ryan Nicholson and I have to say that I'm developing quite a soft spot for them. His no holds barred violence and gore approach is something you don't see in enough movies these days. However whereas GUTTERBALLS (full review here) was a really enjoyable and over-the-top romp, HANGER seemed to be lacking a certain something.

HANGER follows the familiar theme of revenge but in quite a unique and fucked up way. A prostitute named  Rose finds herself knocked up and her pimp Leroy (Thompson) is none too happy about it. After he slaps her around a bit he decides to perform an abortion using none other than a coat hanger. In the process Rose dies and Leroy disposes of the child by wrapping it in plastic and throwing it in a dumpster where a homeless man finds it and raises it. 18 years later we meet the grown up Hanger (Dashwood) and he is introduced to 'The John' (Ellis) who turns out to be his father and the only man who ever really cared for Rose. Together they exact a plan for bloody revenge against pimp Leroy.

There's a whole bunch of other shit which happens in between and along the way we meet some interesting characters including Russell (who has a disturbing used-tampon fetish) and Nicole (who enjoys pleasuring herself in the confines of her office) and of course the horny, perverted freak Phil.

Unfortunately I didn't find HANGER as enjoyable as GUTTERBALLS and I think it was mostly due to the story which at times seemed to get sidelined by a lot of unnecessary gay jokes and meaningless subplot. I also found the character Nicole to be weak and there didn't seem to be much point to her inclusion other than an excuse to throw in some pornographic scenes. I'm not really complaining about the porn, but I do think her character could have been made a bit more substantial.

The make-up and effects are top notch however (courtesy of Life to Death FX) and they did a great job with everything from gross, oozing fluids to wounds and prosthetics (although speaking of prosthetics, I'm still not quite sure why half of the cast needed such heavy facial sculpting). The gross factor has really been turned up here too and viewers will be subjected to an insanely graphic abortion scene, a foul rape scene, death by tampon (yes you read that correctly) and plenty of blood and guts - enough for anybody with a weak stomach to lose their lunch.

WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS (2011) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Victor Zinck Jr, Kaitlyn Wong, Terra Vnesa

I thought the first WRONG TURN was a pretty solid film, and the second was enjoyable. The third was pretty bad but this latest offering is terrible. BLOODY BEGINNINGS is touted as a prequel but in all honesty it really doesn't matter whether you've seen any of the others or not, as this might as well be a standalone film. In fact it might as well not even be in the same franchise, because the feel of the previous movies is not evident at all.

The movie begins in 1982 with a weak origins story featuring an asylum and a certain trio of inbred residents. They escape their cell and slaughter the staff. Fast forward to 2003 and we are introduced to a group of friends who have decided to take a trip to the snowfields in West Virginia. They grab their gear and snowmobiles and head out. Predictably they make a 'wrong turn' and find themselves lost in a snowstorm, before stumbling upon an abandoned asylum. They think that they've found a safe place to wait out the storm but soon realise that they're not alone. The body count starts to rise while the storm blows relentlessly outside.

If you want a serious horror film then this is most definitely not it. It seems that they've completely done away with anything close to frightening and instead opted for a lot of mediocre gore effects, some dumb dialogue and even dumber characters. And I stress the word dumb. These are some of the most stupid people I have ever had the misfortune to watch in a horror film. They seem to make every single mistake imaginable including the classic "We have a perfect chance to kill them now, but let's not" and the ever popular "I'm supposed to be watching these prisoners but I guess I'll just take a nap"
I mentioned the gore already but I'll go into more detail. Inconsistent is the best word I could use to describe it. Some of it actually looked decent but then all of a sudden there would be buckets of horrible looking CGI blood. And even the practical blood looked horribly bad. Is it really that difficult to find a good recipe for fake blood?
The acting was bad, and the writing was even worse. If your friends were being brutally murdered would you really go out of your way to say something like "I think they just turned Porter into Porterhouse steak" ?

WRONG TURN 4 is a mess of stupid decisions, below par acting, bad dialogue and average effects. The director even seems to realise this and has thrown in a couple of random lesbian scenes probably to try and pull your attention from all of the film's flaws.
 There is an upside though. If you invite a bunch of friends over and drink your way through a few cases of beer you may just find yourself drunk enough to laugh at and even enjoy this movie.

THE DESCENT (2005) Review

Directed by: Neil Marshall

Starring: Shauna McDonald, Natalie Jackson Mendoza, Alex Reid

I was pretty excited to see this movie. I'd read plenty of positive reviews and it was written and directed by Neil Marshall who was responsible for one of my favorite werewolf films Dog Soldiers. Unfortunately The Descent didn't really do it for me.

A group of female friends get together for an annual adventure vacation. Sarah (Shauna McDonald) has been lured to the United States along with her friend Beth (Alex Reid) to go on a caving (or spelunking, if you prefer) trip with their old friend Juno (Natalie Mendoza). After explaining that the cave is an exceptionally easy and safe descent, they arrive to find that Juno has lied. It turns out that the cave is actually unmapped and as far as everybody knows, unexplored. But they decide to go anyway.

Not long after the enter the cave though, there is a rockfall and they find themselves trapped with no map and limited supplies. But that isn't the worst part. It turns out that they're not alone in the cave, and the other inhabitants are hungry...

If you've seen Dog Soldiers, then you'll know the general outline. The film starts off with a couple suffering a traumatic event, (in this case a car accident) then the film flashes forward to a group of people in a remote location (although this time it's women and they are in a cave) and then they soon find that they are facing a terrible non-human enemy (not werewolves this time). But that is where the similarities end. Not only do the women have to battle monsters, but they also have conflicting personalities which causes trouble. Juno is the strong fearless leader type, whereas Sarah is a traumatized woman trying to get her life back together (how ironic).

The cave sets the right kind of atmosphere for a horror film, dark, claustrophobic and creepy (I found it to be a little too dark at times). The acting is fine, but nothing spectacular. There is plenty of tension. All round it is a good solid horror flick, but I think after all of the hype it just seemed to fall a bit short of my expectations. It's definitely worth a watch but don't expect too much.