MONSTER BRAWL (2012) Review

Directed by: Jesse T. Cook

Starring: Dave Foley, Art Hindle, Robert Maillet

Creature mash-ups are always an interesting concept and have been around since way back. From FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN  to ALIEN VS. PREDATOR and even the Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash comic books. But MONSTER BRAWL is quite possibly the biggest monster mash of all.

Presented like a televised wrestling or boxing match, MONSTER BRAWL brings an array of movie monsters together (Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman, a zombie and a witch among others) and pits them against each other in a series of fights until only two remain to brawl for the Heavyweight championship. As far as story goes that’s about it. In between matches there are short introductory sequences for each creature but they aren't much more than just filler.

I will admit that after I read the synopsis for this movie I thought it sounded pretty fucking badass. I had mental images of the combatants tearing each other open, dismembering each other, beating their opponents to death with their own disembodies limbs and other such graphic delights. 

So when the first fight was about to begin, I sat in anticipation of the imminent violence… and was extremely disappointed. 

The fights are incredibly unspectacular, which is a shame because they’re the whole concept on which this movie is built. If the fights were as good as I was expecting then I could have easily forgiven MONSTER BRAWL for some of its other shortcomings. But no, each match seemed to be just as dull as the one preceding it. Even the final heavyweight championship bout (which you would expect to be the climax of the film) was decidedly anticlimactic. That’s not to say that there weren't some interesting and clever moments (the mummy using his sun-god amulet to burn his vampire foe’s flesh for example) but they were few and far between. On a more positive note, there were a lot of neat looking make-up and practical effects and there is a little gore although I would have loved to see more.

One interesting aspect I have to mention is the use of Lance Henriksen’s voice. When the opening credits revealed his voice would be involved I thought he may have been commentating the fights, but instead he provides brief comments in a Mortal Kombat style which are peppered throughout each of the fights.

All in all MONSTER BRAWL is just big, stupid fun. It’s easy to sit down with a few beers and be entertained but it is a shame that the scenes which make up the core of the film (the fights) are not nearly as spectacular as they could have been. And let’s be honest, when you sit down to watch a movie about mythical creatures fighting it out in a boxing ring in the middle of a cemetery, you’re not going to expect groundbreaking cinema. MONSTER BRAWL is a fun concept but ultimately flawed in execution, nevertheless it’s entertaining enough to check out if you’re a fan of creature features.

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING 3D (2012) Review

Directed by: Måns Mårlind, Björn Stein

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Michael Ealy, India Eisley

Let’s be honest, nobody goes to see an UNDERWORLD movie expecting to see great acting or a spellbinding story do they? I know I don’t, in fact there is really only one reason I have seen any of them at all. Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight black latex is that reason. She’s also the reason I completely skipped the third film. Sure, it still had an attractive female lead clad in latex but it wasn’t Kate so it wasn’t for me. AWAKENING is the fourth film in the franchise so by now audiences should have a good idea of what to expect. Vampires, lycans, gunfights, explosions and physics-defying action scenes have been a staple of the previous films and AWAKENING is not much different.

Selene (Beckinsale) explains through narration her plan to meet up with her hybrid lover Michael so that they can escape together, but unfortunately things don't go to plan. A grenade explodes and everything turns black. Cut to the present where we see Selene frozen in a lab, but it looks as though somebody is trying to free her. After thawing out she manages to escape the Antigen laboratory where she has been trapped for 12 years. Soon she begins having visions, as though she is seeing through somebody else's eyes and so she assumes it is Michael and goes to look for him. Along the way she is pursued by both lycans and humans but soon runs into another vampire David who helps her look for Michael. But instead of finding him, they discover somebody else who has a strong connection to Selene.

The biggest difference between AWAKENING and the previous films is that the existence of vampires and lycans is now common knowledge and during the time Selene has been imprisoned, vampires and lycans have almost been wiped out. Now not only does Selene need to worry about the threat of the remaining lycans but also her human pursuers.

Just like the previous movies, AWAKENING is very visually focused. And the 3D elements are done really well. Lots of well choreographed, flashy, over the top fight scenes, heaps of muzzle flare and explosions, shattering glass etc. It's probably just to distract people from the scant plot. The movie travels at a rather quick pace and is action packed almost the whole way through. What there is regarding story is pretty weak and just seems like a way to hold the multitude of action sequences together, but then again story has never been a strong point in the UNDERWORLD films. What people want to see is Kate Beckinsale looking sexy and kicking some ass, and she does both of these things well.

Horror Feast: John Carpenter-a-thon

Well since its been raining so much lately it seems that I'll be trapped inside my house by floodwater all weekend. Normally I'd be pissed off but I've got plenty of food and supplies and an assload of horror movies to watch.
On today's menu: John Carpenter.

THE FOG (1980)

Carpenter's original beats the hell out of the crappy remake of course. This is actually one of my favorite of JC's movies, even though it has practically no gore it still is a pretty creepy film. The start is a great opener too, a ghost story being told about a ship which sunk in a thick fog and how the dead sailors will come back 100 years to the very day. Of course this day happens to fall on the town of Antonio Bay's anniversary and while the townspeople are getting ready to celebrate, the fog rolls in and the bodies start to pile up. It seems that these ghouls are back for revenge for a past atrocity and a small handful of townsfolk have to figure out how to put and end to the curse. Both Jamie Lee Curtis and her mother Janet Leigh star alongside Tom Atkins and another JC favorite George 'Buck' Flower.
As I mentioned the movie doesn't rely on blood and gore but instead it relies on the creepy atmosphere created by the ominous fog and it does a great job.





PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)

With the death of a priest an ancient secret is revealed. A mysterious cylinder of green liquid is found in an abandoned church basement and after a team of physics students is called in to investigate, the cylinder is found to contain the essence of Satan himself. The liquid goes to work possessing the students and working toward its final goal, releasing the father of Satan; an all powerful anti-God. Can these physics graduates stop him in time? And will they survive the wrath of Alice Cooper? Cooper plays a murderous vagrant who leads some sort of homeless army. Yep. Donald Pleasance also stars as a priest. I love Donald Pleasance.
This is definitely one of Carpenter's darker films and is actually pretty original too. The special effects and makeup look good also and Jameson Parker's moustache is pretty cool too.
The only complaint I have is that when I watch a movie called PRINCE OF DARKNESS, I expect to see the FUCKING PRINCE OF DARKNESS! But alas he never appears.

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995)

George 'Buck' Flower appears once again here (why does he always play a drunk or a vagrant?) but this time his fellow cast members include Mark Hamill, Christopher Reeve and Kirstey Alley. I must confess that I've never seen the original film nor read the novel on which it's based but John Carpenter has done a pretty fine job here indeed. 

The entire town of Midwich fall asleep one day. As you can imagine a few people die while driving cars or standing over barbecues, but also upon waking 10 of the town's women find themselves mysteriously pregnant. They all give birth at the same time and they all give birth to creepy, white haired, mind reading children. The children aren't very nice either. They like to use their freaky telepathic powers to force people to hurt and kill themselves. Can the combined forces of Luke Skywalker and Superman defeat these evil children? Watch the movie and see for yourself.

VAMPIRES (1998)

I've decided that James Woods doesn't play a very convincing badass. If I wanted somebody to kill a vampire for me he's one of the last people I would think of. But here he is, leading a group of vampire slayers and working for the Catholic church. After finding a 'nest' and destroying the bloodsuckers within the team decided to have a party. Hooray! However they get ambushed by a powerful vampire named Valek who kills all but two of them. So James Woods teams up with one of the less important Baldwin brothers (Daniel I think) and a prostitute and they decide to track down this Valek before he finds an ancient artifact which will allow him to walk in the daylight and therefore be unstoppable.

Crap. I don't like this movie at all. The characters are stupid and the one-liners are lame ("How do you like your stake, bitch?")
At least the vampires aren't sparkly pussies, and there is a fair bit of gore also. One of Carpenter's less impressive films.

THEY LIVE (1988)

Roddy Piper and his majestic mullet star in this film about rich aliens corrupting and controlling the American lower class. Keith David is also here and so is George 'Buck' Flower (again) who plays a drifter (surprise!).

Nada (Piper) is down on his luck and wandering about aimlessly until one day he finds a pair of magical sunglasses which show him the world as it really is. Rich yuppie aliens are controlling humans through subliminal messages and a signal broadcast from television sets. There is probably some sort of social commentary here about the upper class feeding off the lower class, but what's more important is that we get to see Roddy Piper kicking some serious alien ass!

And watch out for the world's longest fight scene between Piper and Davis. Don't worry, you can't miss it.

STAKE LAND (2011) Review

Directed by: Jim Mickle

Starring: Connor Paolo, Nick Damici, Danielle Harris

I wasn't sure quite what to expect when I watched STAKE LAND. I hadn't seen the trailer or read any reviews, in fact all I knew about it was that it was a vampire flick. That didn't exactly get my pulse racing, because it seems that every other day there is a new vampire film out and unfortunately about 90% of them suck (pun not intended). But then I saw the dvd cover which actually looked pretty cool, and I also noticed that Danielle Harris was in the cast. That's what persuaded me that it may actually be a good film, and after watching it on the weekend I can honestly say that I loved it.

I have to admit that it's not a very original story. It's basically Zombieland but without the humor and with vampires instead of zombies. Add a little I Am Legend and maybe The Walking Dead and you'll get a pretty good picture of what the film is like. And unlike Zombieland there is no sign of that annoying bastard Jesse Eisenberg. Instead we get Connor Paolo (Gossip Girl, World Trade Center) who I think was brilliant. And playing the part of Woody Harrelson is Nick Damici (Mulberry St, In The Cut) who was great as the tough but loving father figure. Unfortunately there is no Bill Murray cameo, but I think we can all live with that.

Martin (Paolo) is a young boy who was rescued by Mister (Damici) after vampires attacked his home and killed his family. Mister has taken him under his wing and taught him how to survive as they make their way to the legendary New Eden in the north. Along the way they spend their nights in abandoned houses, buses and even Mister's car if need be. Occasionally running into vampires which they kill and extract the fangs, which are used as a kind of currency. They collect a small group of companions on their journey, most notably Sister (Kelly McGillis) and the pregnant Belle (Danielle Harris).
Occasionally they come to fortified towns known as 'lockdowns' where people have gathered to keep some kind of semblance of normal life, to pick up supplies and information before continuing north.
But on the way they discover that the vamps aren't the only threat. They come face to face with a group of jesus-freaks known as the Brotherhood who are lead by a bald nut named Jebadia (played perfectly by Michael Cerveris). The Brotherhood abduct them, keeping Sister as a sex slave and throwing Mister to the vamps. Martin escapes and eventually winds up finding Mister's car, along with Mister himself who is hiding in the trunk.
They keep driving, sticking to the backroads until they come to one last lockdown on the way to New Eden. But then the Brotherhood come along and air-drop vampires into the town, causing chaos and further incurring the ire of Mister.
The big showdown inevitably arrives between Mister and Jebadia towards the end of the film which then winds down as New Eden looms ahead.

I'm really struggling to find some aspect of this film that I didn't like. The writing, direction and acting were all pretty amazing. The makeup and FX on the vampires were fantastic, as was the whole atmosphere of the movie. I wouldn't give STAKE LAND top marks for originality, but it is definitely a great film and one that I would watch again.

PRIEST (2011) Review

Directed by: Scott Charles Stewart

Starring: Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Karl Urban

After seeing the disappointing LEGION, I wasn't expecting much from another film featuring the direction of Scott Charles Stewart and Paul Bettany in the lead. Especially another movie which seemed to have a similar religious theme. But after watching PRIEST, (in 2D of course, I'm not really a fan of 3D) I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It wasn't a great film, but it did have a nice stylish appearance and the whole western/post apocalyptic/steampunk fusion was kind of cool.

The movie introduces you to a world in which humans and vampires have been locked in eternal combat. The vampires have eventually overpowered the humans, forcing them to live in walled-in cities which are under the control of the church. But then the ultimate weapon against the vamps is found. The priests are a small elite group who have been especially trained in vampire combat, who eventually overrun the undead menace. The remaining vampires and their familiars are locked up in reservations, and the priests are disbanded.

But after an attack by a rogue group of vampires in which his niece is kidnapped, one priest (Paul Bettany) breaks his vows and teams up with Sheriff Hicks (Cam Gigandet) to track them down and rescue the girl. Obviously the church leaders aren't very happy with this development, so they send four other priests to bring him down.

The film was fairly fast paced, with plenty of action sequences and a ton of CGI vampires. I'm not a huge fan of CGI, but I've realized that for now it's here to stay. And at least the vampires didn't sparkle.

The washed out desert landscapes were nice, as were the dark scenes inside the vampire 'hives' and the jet powered motorcycles look pretty sharp.

I felt like the movie tried to squeeze in too many different elements though, with the cowboys, vampires, hi-tech weapons and so on. But it worked in a way I suppose.

Other than that I thought the plot was a little unoriginal, there weren't any really surprising moments, and the acting was above average but not fantastic. It's an enjoyable enough film and a good way to spend 90 or so minutes, but nothing overly spectacular and not something that I'm planning on watching again any time soon.