WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson, Roxanne McKee

You’d think I would have learned my lesson after watching the abysmal fourth entry into this withered franchise but apparently not. Another straight to video effort from the same director as WT4. Did I somehow expect this to be good? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that by the time the credits rolled I had wasted a good hour and a half watching a completely pointless movie. And when I say this is a pointless addition to the franchise I mean it. As bad as the fourth film was at least it was (trying) to tell an origins story but this fifth one has nothing. Even Doug Bradley couldn't save it.

Following on from the prequel WRONG TURN 4, this movie shows the three inbred fucks after leaving the abandoned mental hospital. They have somehow managed to shack up with a deranged killer Maynard (Doug Bradley) on the edge of a small West Virginia town. And by a huge coincidence this town just so happens to have an annual ‘Mountain Man Festival’ – a festival which according to the film is as big as Lollapalooza and in which everybody dresses as – you guessed it – mountain men. A group of pill-popping, shroom-munching kids on their way to the festival run into some trouble when they meet Maynard and they all (including Maynard) get hauled back to the town jail and locked up. But Maynard doesn't seem too worried because as he keeps reminding the Sherriff (Arfwedson) “My boys are coming”.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems that the core of this movie has been borrowed straight from 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, with Maynard locked up in police custody waiting for his boys to descend on the town and break him out. In 30 DAYS all of the cell phones are destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Here the cell tower itself is destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Coincidence? I think not.
But just because WT5 shares some similarities with another film is no reason to hate it right? Right. Because there are plenty of other, better reasons for that.

Like this one for example: The ‘big as Lollapalooza’ Mountain Man Festival is apparently in full swing yet there is no sign of it. We don’t hear it and apart from a few people wandering around early in the film we don’t see it either. And if it really is as big as Lollapalooza and this town is so small, how the hell do a group of kids manage to get a hotel room at such short notice? Does this festival even exist? I might be nitpicking here but I can’t help it. The film puts so much importance on this festival that its absence is really obvious and confusing.

If there is one single thing about this movie which annoyed and frustrated me more than any other it has got to be the Sherriff. She let loose four kids (found with an assload of drugs in their car which they crashed into a tree just prior to kicking the crap out of a man) essentially because they asked to be let go. Then to make things worse she lets the remaining boy out of his cell, deputises him and gives him a fucking shotgun. Insanity.
At one point much to my surprise I found myself giving the film a mental “Hooray!” because the Sherriff at least had enough sense to tell everybody to stick together instead of splitting up. But that feeling didn’t last because about 2 minutes later the Sherriff ran off on her own to try and find a radio…

And while we’re on the subject of annoying characters I’d like to nominate some more, like for example ALL OF THEM. But most notably Doug Bradley’s Maynard who would not shut the fuck up and the three inbred fuckers who for some reason giggled through the whole movie like a pack of retarded hyenas. Then again maybe they’re just laughing at how bad their makeup looks. Have I mentioned the makeup yet? No? Well it’s by far the worst of any of the films in the franchise. It just looks lazy and all too obviously fake to me.

At least we get to see some nice death scenes (and there’s hardly any nasty CGI in sight) but even these aren't as good or original as they could have been and they somehow come across as if they are clever or intricate even though they aren't. Like if Jigsaw created a trap right after he had a stroke.
So there you have it. There’s pretty much nothing good about this movie at all unless you’re satisfied with sitting back and watching a whole lot of pointless and mediocre death scenes glued together with the thinnest of plots. WRONG TURN completionists will want to see this but I don’t recommend it to anybody else living or dead.

INBRED (2012) Review

Directed by: Alex Chandon

Starring: Jo Hartley, James Doherty, Chris Waller

A movie titled INBRED. Pretty predictable isn't it? A bunch of city kids find themselves stalked by inbred rednecks somewhere in the deep south of the US right? Wrong. In fact this particular film takes place in the UK, which is something that intrigued me right away. What are English backwoods inbreds like? Do they drink tea and eat scones? Who the fuck knows, the best thing to do here is jump right into the movie and see what happens.

Kate (Hartley) and Jeff (Doherty) are driving a quartet of troubled youths through the English countryside, heading to a small town. This retreat is supposed to be some sort of project to help the four kids. Somehow. But that’s not important. What’s important is that after arriving at their run-down shithole of a vacation house they put all of their mobile phones in a bag and leave them behind (great idea guys!) then decide to take a trip to the local pub. As soon as they open the door and step inside all eyes are upon them. These eyes happen to belong to a throng of greasy, dirty, stringy-haired fellows with bad teeth and an appearance that suggests they are all each other’s brothers, uncles and sons. In fact only the barkeeper seems to be a normal, friendly guy. He even makes the group of newcomers a fresh batch of lemonade. Sure it tastes like warm piss but hey, what are you gonna do? At least it was free. He even sells them some homemade snacks which look suspiciously like shrivelled up, hairy pieces of person. What a nice guy.

The city folk head out to an old abandoned train yard for what I assume is supposed to be some sort of fun, team-building scavenger hunt. However Dwight (Waller) (the douche bag of the group) manages to turn it into a ‘let’s smash the absolute fuck out of everything’ activity. Two of the other youths have a run in with a pair of backwoods freaks before the others come to intervene. Unfortunately while trying to be a tough motherfucker Jeff falls and cuts his leg open on a big chunk of steel. Blood everywhere.
Back at the pub they ask somebody to call an ambulance, and this is the point where everything turns to shit.

So I suppose apart from the setting it is pretty predictable, until we get to the killing that is. Although the English villains are just as sinister as their American counterparts, these enterprising British inbreds aren't just intent on making their victims squeal like piggies or carving them up for their dinner. No, they have decided to make a spectacle of it. The whole town turns up to watch. It’s a fucking hit. Even the nice barkeeper gets involved, blackfacing himself up and putting on a spiffy red jacket like a circus ringleader. Then he announces the main attractions, which I won’t reveal. Let’s just say that they involve vegetables, animals and other things.
Speaking of killing though we should talk about the gore and effects. First of all there is plenty of the red stuff and some good looking practical effects. But there is also quite a bit of CGI that I found a little distracting. Overall though it’s not too bad. Some of the death scenes are quite unique too.

So I guess in the end INBRED isn't as predictable as you might first expect. There isn't anything groundbreaking brought to the table but there are enough fresh touches to keep you interested. And more importantly it’s a fun movie. I particularly liked the attitude of the inbreds themselves. Rather than sprinting through the woods in hot pursuit of their victims they take a more care-free approach, skipping along singing old folky songs and leaving the escapees to the mercy of their booby-traps. It’s a shame about the CGI but at least they haven’t gone completely overboard with it and had the good sense to use it in collaboration with some good old practical stuff. And as far as backwoods inbred movies go it’s a hell of a lot better than what that piece of shit WRONG TURN franchise has turned into. If you see one British, backwoods inbred film this year make sure it is INBRED.

WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS (2011) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Victor Zinck Jr, Kaitlyn Wong, Terra Vnesa

I thought the first WRONG TURN was a pretty solid film, and the second was enjoyable. The third was pretty bad but this latest offering is terrible. BLOODY BEGINNINGS is touted as a prequel but in all honesty it really doesn't matter whether you've seen any of the others or not, as this might as well be a standalone film. In fact it might as well not even be in the same franchise, because the feel of the previous movies is not evident at all.

The movie begins in 1982 with a weak origins story featuring an asylum and a certain trio of inbred residents. They escape their cell and slaughter the staff. Fast forward to 2003 and we are introduced to a group of friends who have decided to take a trip to the snowfields in West Virginia. They grab their gear and snowmobiles and head out. Predictably they make a 'wrong turn' and find themselves lost in a snowstorm, before stumbling upon an abandoned asylum. They think that they've found a safe place to wait out the storm but soon realise that they're not alone. The body count starts to rise while the storm blows relentlessly outside.

If you want a serious horror film then this is most definitely not it. It seems that they've completely done away with anything close to frightening and instead opted for a lot of mediocre gore effects, some dumb dialogue and even dumber characters. And I stress the word dumb. These are some of the most stupid people I have ever had the misfortune to watch in a horror film. They seem to make every single mistake imaginable including the classic "We have a perfect chance to kill them now, but let's not" and the ever popular "I'm supposed to be watching these prisoners but I guess I'll just take a nap"
I mentioned the gore already but I'll go into more detail. Inconsistent is the best word I could use to describe it. Some of it actually looked decent but then all of a sudden there would be buckets of horrible looking CGI blood. And even the practical blood looked horribly bad. Is it really that difficult to find a good recipe for fake blood?
The acting was bad, and the writing was even worse. If your friends were being brutally murdered would you really go out of your way to say something like "I think they just turned Porter into Porterhouse steak" ?

WRONG TURN 4 is a mess of stupid decisions, below par acting, bad dialogue and average effects. The director even seems to realise this and has thrown in a couple of random lesbian scenes probably to try and pull your attention from all of the film's flaws.
 There is an upside though. If you invite a bunch of friends over and drink your way through a few cases of beer you may just find yourself drunk enough to laugh at and even enjoy this movie.