WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson, Roxanne McKee

You’d think I would have learned my lesson after watching the abysmal fourth entry into this withered franchise but apparently not. Another straight to video effort from the same director as WT4. Did I somehow expect this to be good? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that by the time the credits rolled I had wasted a good hour and a half watching a completely pointless movie. And when I say this is a pointless addition to the franchise I mean it. As bad as the fourth film was at least it was (trying) to tell an origins story but this fifth one has nothing. Even Doug Bradley couldn't save it.

Following on from the prequel WRONG TURN 4, this movie shows the three inbred fucks after leaving the abandoned mental hospital. They have somehow managed to shack up with a deranged killer Maynard (Doug Bradley) on the edge of a small West Virginia town. And by a huge coincidence this town just so happens to have an annual ‘Mountain Man Festival’ – a festival which according to the film is as big as Lollapalooza and in which everybody dresses as – you guessed it – mountain men. A group of pill-popping, shroom-munching kids on their way to the festival run into some trouble when they meet Maynard and they all (including Maynard) get hauled back to the town jail and locked up. But Maynard doesn't seem too worried because as he keeps reminding the Sherriff (Arfwedson) “My boys are coming”.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems that the core of this movie has been borrowed straight from 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, with Maynard locked up in police custody waiting for his boys to descend on the town and break him out. In 30 DAYS all of the cell phones are destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Here the cell tower itself is destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Coincidence? I think not.
But just because WT5 shares some similarities with another film is no reason to hate it right? Right. Because there are plenty of other, better reasons for that.

Like this one for example: The ‘big as Lollapalooza’ Mountain Man Festival is apparently in full swing yet there is no sign of it. We don’t hear it and apart from a few people wandering around early in the film we don’t see it either. And if it really is as big as Lollapalooza and this town is so small, how the hell do a group of kids manage to get a hotel room at such short notice? Does this festival even exist? I might be nitpicking here but I can’t help it. The film puts so much importance on this festival that its absence is really obvious and confusing.

If there is one single thing about this movie which annoyed and frustrated me more than any other it has got to be the Sherriff. She let loose four kids (found with an assload of drugs in their car which they crashed into a tree just prior to kicking the crap out of a man) essentially because they asked to be let go. Then to make things worse she lets the remaining boy out of his cell, deputises him and gives him a fucking shotgun. Insanity.
At one point much to my surprise I found myself giving the film a mental “Hooray!” because the Sherriff at least had enough sense to tell everybody to stick together instead of splitting up. But that feeling didn’t last because about 2 minutes later the Sherriff ran off on her own to try and find a radio…

And while we’re on the subject of annoying characters I’d like to nominate some more, like for example ALL OF THEM. But most notably Doug Bradley’s Maynard who would not shut the fuck up and the three inbred fuckers who for some reason giggled through the whole movie like a pack of retarded hyenas. Then again maybe they’re just laughing at how bad their makeup looks. Have I mentioned the makeup yet? No? Well it’s by far the worst of any of the films in the franchise. It just looks lazy and all too obviously fake to me.

At least we get to see some nice death scenes (and there’s hardly any nasty CGI in sight) but even these aren't as good or original as they could have been and they somehow come across as if they are clever or intricate even though they aren't. Like if Jigsaw created a trap right after he had a stroke.
So there you have it. There’s pretty much nothing good about this movie at all unless you’re satisfied with sitting back and watching a whole lot of pointless and mediocre death scenes glued together with the thinnest of plots. WRONG TURN completionists will want to see this but I don’t recommend it to anybody else living or dead.

FEMALE PRISONER SCORPION: BEAST STABLE (1973) Review

Directed by: Shunya Ito

Starring: Meiko Kaji, Mikio Narita, Yayoi Watanabe

The third (and last of the franchise to be directed by Ito) FEMALE PRISONER film feels a lot different to both of its predecessors. In fact apart from a single extended sequence at the film's end, the setting is taken outside of prison walls and into the wide world beyond. But in a way the outside world seems like its own penitentiary.

Matsu has escaped prison once again and is trying her best to settle into whatever kind of 'normal' life she can. The film opens with a brilliant sequence (probably the best opening for any of the films so far) in which Scorpion is seated in a subway car trying her best to blend in. Two police officers recognize her and try to detain her. One officer manages to get a handcuff around her wrist (the other cuff around his own) but she manages to slip out the door of the train just as it is closing. The only way to escape is for her to cut off the officer's arm which she does so swiftly just in time for the opening credits in a wonderful sequence showing her running through the busy streets with a disembodied arm swinging from her wrist.
A new character is also introduced in this third film, a distraught young woman named Yuki (who coincidentally is played by Yayoi Watanabe who played Yuki in the original film) who sells her body in order to provide for herself and her mentally retarded brother. She also gives up her body for her own brother to satisfy his sexual desires.

The two women meet in a cemetery and strike up a strange kind of mutual friendship most likely fuelled by their similar predicaments. Both women are trapped in their own prisons and have next to no opportunity at living a normal life. But while Matsu responds to scenarios with her patented violent vengeance Yuki is seemingly cursed with getting fucked over and over again. Her only real means of escape is the terrible thought of killing her very own brother.

Although BEAST STABLE is still firmly an exploitation flick it is quite a bit more tame than the previous two films although it does include incest, torture, forced abortion and some nudity. And as usual no woman can take more than 5 steps outside without being accosted and having her clothes ripped off. As for the story itself it is fairly well told but at times does feel a little disjointed especially when it comes to the ending which was awesome in itself but ultimately felt almost tacked on.

Shunya Ito is a masterful director and it's a shame that over a 40 year career he has only directed around 14 films, and more of a shame that BEAST STABLE marked the end of his involvement in this series. But to be honest he chose a good time to end it because the way this film ends there is no need for any more sequels even though Meiko Kaji would later return to her role in the fourth film GRUDGE SONG.
BEAST STABLE is easily Ito's bleakest film in his trilogy which I found almost ironic since it is set in the 'free' world outside of prison. In one scene Kaji's character is even reduced to tears which is something I never would have expected. And although the symbolism from the previous movies is not quite so prevalent here there are some wonderful scenes - my favorite showing the lit matches drifting down into the dark depths of the sewer, a few at a time first and then eventually a downpour of them.

BEAST STABLE is a lot different from Ito's other FEMALE PRISONER movies and if you're looking for another WIP film then you may be sorely disappointed. However it is a great film in its own right and showcases some nice storytelling, more of Ito's unusual artful style and some decent acting. And of course once again Meiko Kaji plays the role of Scorpion to perfection.

FEMALE PRISONER SCORPION: JAILHOUSE 41 (1972) Review

Directed by: Shunya Ito

Starring: Meiko Kaji, Fumio Watanabe, Kayoko Shiraishi

The second film in the FEMALE PRISONER series is an entirely different beast when compared to the original. In fact the vast majority of the film takes place outside the prison walls, and since the women it focuses on are no longer in prison JAILHOUSE 41 isn't technically a Women In Prison movie but it's sleazy exploitation just the same.

The film opens with Matsu (Reiko) back in prison, in solitary confinement. The warden Goda (Watanabe) has decided to let her out but only for one day because a high profile inspector is visiting the prison. During a ceremony Matsu attacks the warden and a short riot breaks out but is soon quelled. Later during a prison transfer Matsu manages to escape along with six other prisoners. They take refuge in an old abandoned village while the authorities try to track them down.

Much like the first movie JAILHOUSE 41 has some excellent cinematography and director Ito has cranked up the surreal artful style with plenty of odd sequences including an interesting scene where the prisoners meet an old woman and a monologue is given for each prisoner explaining how and why they ended up in prison. There is a lot more character development this time around although more so in regards to the other six women than for Matsu herself. Particular attention is paid to Oba (Shiraishi), a woman who drowned her two year old son and then stabbed her unborn child to death. Oba and Matsu don't exactly have the best relationship. Matsu manages to get under her skin while saying basically nothing (much like the first film) but she has that deadly stare perfected and it's all she needs to drive Oba nuts.

JAILHOUSE 41 also has a nice score much like its predecessor and it reuses the Kaji sung theme song from the original along with an additional song also performed by her. However while we're on the subject of the film's audio, there are some strange sound effects incorporated in as well. Humorous "boing" noises are used for some undisclosed reason and whether they are to try and ease the harshness of the rape scene or not is not clear. Personally I found them a little distracting and felt that they didn't really fit in with the rest of the soundtrack.

Meiko Kaji does a brilliant job as Scorpion again and although her character isn't really developed much here she definitely gets more screen time than in the first film. Fumio Watanabe plays the evil warden Goda brilliantly once again and Kayoko Shiraishi does a great job as the crazy bitch Oba.

FEMALE PRISONER SCORPION: JAILHOUSE 41 is an excellent sequel and in fact I'd say it is on par with the first film. In some ways it may even be better but overall I think the original is a cut above. If you enjoyed the surreal arthouse styling of the first film then you'll love this sequel, and it still has enough exploitation goodness (including a somewhat random lesbian scene) for fans to enjoy. A brilliant follow up to the original FEMALE PRISONER movie.

RESIDENT EVIL: DAMNATION (2012) Review

Directed by: Makoto Kamiya

Starring (voices): Matthew Mercer, Courtenay Taylor, Robin Sachs

Aside from Paul W.S. Anderson’s live action RE films, another franchise has popped up over the last few years in the form of two full CG animated movies. And if you’re a fan of the RE videogames then these animated movies will probably be more to your liking than their live action counterparts. In fact you could even think of them simply as feature length cut scenes. The second and most recent of these movies is DAMNATION, and although (like the more recent videogames) it doesn’t contain a single zombie it still retains the overall feel of the games and is in my opinion much more enjoyable than any of Anderson’s RE films.

If I were to place DAMNATION somewhere in the RE timeline it would probably sit comfortably in between RE5 and the upcoming RE6. It follows BSAA agent Leon Kennedy who has been inserted into the volatile Eastern Slav Republic, a small country which is currently in the midst of a civil war. But what Leon is more interested in are the reports that BOWs (Bio-Organic Weapons) are being used. So obviously that means we are going to see a lot of the Las Plagas, Ganados, Lickers and so on.
After an encounter with one of the aforementioned Lickers in an underground parking lot, Leon finds himself captured by a resistance group and interrogated. But before they can get their answers they are under attack from the military and in the commotion they scatter. Leon catches up with one of his captors JD and after saving his life they form an uneasy alliance. Things escalate when Leon runs into Ada Wong and it soon becomes obvious that everything is not as it seems. New dominant Las Plagas have been produced which can create master/slave relationships between humans and BOWs, essentially meaning that humans can control these monsters, but the organisms are unstable. As he delves deeper Leon finds that the government and even the country’s president are involved in the cultivation and production of these dominant Las Plagas.

While the government, the resistance and the BSAA (in the form of Leon) are the key groups in this story, strangely there is a noticeable absence of the Umbrella Corporation. It’s not necessarily a bad thing I just thought it was quite bizarre as it is usually a staple of the RESIDENT EVIL world.

And while it does sadden me that Capcom have seemingly abandoned those good old fashioned zombies for the faster and more aggressive Ganados and Majini, this is probably as close to the videogames as you’re going to get. Indeed it is very much embedded in the style of the later games like RE4 and RE5 (and probably RE6) and so it definitely doesn’t have that claustrophobic, creepy feeling that the earlier games had (the first RE scared the crap out of me when I was a kid). But despite that it is still quite a good continuation of the RESIDENT EVIL story.

It’s better than DEGENERATION was, which is good news (although I didn’t think that DEGENERATION was such a bad movie either) and it’s better by far than probably all of the live action movies, at least in my opinion. The action comes thick and fast and relatively early in the film which is good, and soon it becomes a mélange of Ganados, Lickers and the daunting Tyrants (I swear those fuckers get bigger every time I see them). The fight scenes are as well choreographed as their live action counterparts and the animations look nice and just about as realistic as you can get with CGI. And I was very impressed with the English voice acting which was surprising.

If I had one main problem it was definitely with the script, mostly the unnecessarily cheesy one-liners peppered throughout Leon’s dialogue. And some of the characters were a bit over the top (JD is almost a parody with his obsession with everything American) but otherwise I had a good time with this and definitely recommend it if you enjoyed DEGENERATION. I would still prefer a movie more in the vein of the earlier RE games but this will have to do for now.

Horror Feast: Zombi-O-Rama

There's nothing quite like an Italian zombie flick, and one of the best is of course Lucio Fulci's ZOMBI 2 (aka ZOMBIE, aka ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS etc etc). But while I've seen it more than a few times, it occurred to me recently that I've never had the pleasure (or perhaps displeasure) of watching any of the sequels. But last night changed all that as I sat myself down with some bourbon and snacks to treat myself to a 4-film Zombi-thon.
It's not something I plan on doing again. Ever.

ZOMBI 2 (1979)

While it definitely isn't his best film, ZOMBI 2 is probably Lucio Fulci's most well known contribution to the horror genre and basically reinvented him as a horror icon. There was controversy about the film being unofficially linked to Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD when the opening and closing scenes were added, but nevertheless ZOMBI 2 is still a great standalone film. There's not much to the plot, it's essentially about a cursed island called Matool where the dead are rising from their graves. But since when does a zombie movie need a plot? The film showcases some quite good make-up and practical effects (well good by 1979 standards at least) and also includes two of the most badass and iconic scenes in horror; the underwater zombie vs shark fight and of course that extreme close-up shot of eyeball vs splinter. In contrast to the zombie films of Romero, this is devoid of any kind of social commentary and is basically just a straight up gory, gross-out flick. While definitely not the goriest zombie movie, it was extreme enough to make the infamous video nasties list.
Essential viewing for any fan of the zombie sub-genre.

ZOMBI 3 (1988)While Lucio Fulci is credited as its director, ZOMBI 3 was in fact only partly directed by him. After a few weeks of filming Fulci stepped back and Bruno Mattei took over. The result is a film consisting of approximately 60% footage from Fulci and the rest from Mattei (and Claudio Fragasso), and therefore does resemble Mattei's films more than Fulci's. A sequel in name only, ZOMBI 3 only resembles it's predecessor in that it has zombies in it. Its plot revolves around a top secret bacteriological military weapon known as Death One, which has been released and infected a man. Once the man is found dead his body is burned, the ashes float up into the atmosphere before spreading and falling back to earth, infecting people and animals alike. After dying, their corpses come back to life and they attack the living. This movie (as you might expect) is a huge disappointment after watching the original film. It has almost no redeeming qualities whatsoever and is really   only worth watching for the gore and to laugh at the horrible acting and even more horrible music.

ZOMBI 4: AFTER DEATH (1989)

Directed by Claudio Fragasso (who also helped direct ZOMBI 3) this movie somehow manages to be even more ridiculous and trashy than it's predecessor. It focuses on a zombie outbreak which occurs on a tropical island. A team of researchers trying to find a cure for cancer test out their serum on a young girl but to no avail. She dies and her father - a Voodoo priest - curses the researchers and the entire island by opening a gate to hell and unleashing the undead. From the terrible (yet somehow awesome) 80s electro theme song all the way to the closing credits, this movie stinks. The acting is abysmal, the English dubbing is horrible and distracting, the characters are stupid and the movie even recycles a couple of actors from ZOMBI 3. The gore and effects are decent when you take into consideration the low budget but everything else is crap. Also worth noting is that somebody thought it would be a good idea to have pornstar Jeff Stryker star in this.




ZOMBI 5: KILLING BIRDS (1988)

This movie was never supposed to be a part of ZOMBI franchise and was initially released in Italy under the title UCCELLI ASSASSINI. But when ZOMBI 4 made money (somehow) upon its US release, this was released as ZOMBI 5. I won't even try to explain the 'plot' because it is so incoherent. There's something about a guy killing his wife then being blinded by a bird, some students looking for woodpeckers and a house in the middle of a swamp. The title is extremely misleading since zombies only appear towards the end and nobody is killed by any birds. ZOMBI 5: KILLING BIRDS is by far the worst of the franchise. The acting is somehow worse than in all of the previous films, the screenplay makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and the gore and effects are cheap and nasty. The characters all wander around making the stupidest decisions possible and some scenes completely contradict others. Don't watch this movie. Ever.

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING 3D (2012) Review

Directed by: Måns Mårlind, Björn Stein

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Michael Ealy, India Eisley

Let’s be honest, nobody goes to see an UNDERWORLD movie expecting to see great acting or a spellbinding story do they? I know I don’t, in fact there is really only one reason I have seen any of them at all. Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight black latex is that reason. She’s also the reason I completely skipped the third film. Sure, it still had an attractive female lead clad in latex but it wasn’t Kate so it wasn’t for me. AWAKENING is the fourth film in the franchise so by now audiences should have a good idea of what to expect. Vampires, lycans, gunfights, explosions and physics-defying action scenes have been a staple of the previous films and AWAKENING is not much different.

Selene (Beckinsale) explains through narration her plan to meet up with her hybrid lover Michael so that they can escape together, but unfortunately things don't go to plan. A grenade explodes and everything turns black. Cut to the present where we see Selene frozen in a lab, but it looks as though somebody is trying to free her. After thawing out she manages to escape the Antigen laboratory where she has been trapped for 12 years. Soon she begins having visions, as though she is seeing through somebody else's eyes and so she assumes it is Michael and goes to look for him. Along the way she is pursued by both lycans and humans but soon runs into another vampire David who helps her look for Michael. But instead of finding him, they discover somebody else who has a strong connection to Selene.

The biggest difference between AWAKENING and the previous films is that the existence of vampires and lycans is now common knowledge and during the time Selene has been imprisoned, vampires and lycans have almost been wiped out. Now not only does Selene need to worry about the threat of the remaining lycans but also her human pursuers.

Just like the previous movies, AWAKENING is very visually focused. And the 3D elements are done really well. Lots of well choreographed, flashy, over the top fight scenes, heaps of muzzle flare and explosions, shattering glass etc. It's probably just to distract people from the scant plot. The movie travels at a rather quick pace and is action packed almost the whole way through. What there is regarding story is pretty weak and just seems like a way to hold the multitude of action sequences together, but then again story has never been a strong point in the UNDERWORLD films. What people want to see is Kate Beckinsale looking sexy and kicking some ass, and she does both of these things well.

STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION (2012) Review

Directed by: Shinji Aramaki

Starring (voices): Luci Christian, David Matranga, David Wald

The bugs are back and I couldn't be happier. Paul Verhoeven's original STARSHIP TROOPERS is undoubtedly a cult classic but unfortunately it's sequels were not so well received. I know from personal experience that the second was a steaming pile of crap and I've heard from many that the third is even worse. Surely the one thing we didn't need was yet another sequel, right? Wrong. STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is so much better than the second film (probably the third too) and in some ways could even be considered superior to the original. It throws the satire of the original aside in favor of more explosions and bug stomping action, but it is still a very enjoyable film.

When the starship John. A. Warden - commandeered by psychic officer Carl Jenkins - suddenly goes dark and ceases communications, General Johnny Rico (Matranga) dispatches an experienced group of soldiers to make contact and hopefully bring the starship back. When the soldiers find and board the ship they stumble into a bloodbath. The entire crew is dead and it is evident that a bug infestation has taken place. They find a sole survivor in Carl Jenkins, who warns them not to turn the ship's power back on, but too late. When the ship is powered back up, a Queen which has taken up residence in the engine room, takes command of the ship. Seemingly thousands of warrior bugs are suddenly set loose on the ship and the starship itself is headed straight towards Earth. It's up to Major Henry 'Hero' Varro (Wald), Captain Carmen Ibanez (Christian) and the rest of the troopers to try and stop the ship from reaching their home planet.

With multiple STARSHIP TROOPERS media around (three movies, some games, an animated TV show etc.) we should probably talk about exactly where this latest instalment fits in. It's not really explained but it seems to be a direct sequel to the first film, with some familiar faces who are a little older and (in most cases) a little wiser.
Rico is now a General, Ibanez is Captain of her own ship and Carl Jenkins is the head of a special ESP unit.
But for the bulk of the film there are a bunch of fresh new faces taking centre stage, and of course they all have their own cute nicknames like Bugspray, Ice Blonde, Ratzass, Trig and so on. Their leader is the highly decorated 'Hero' who has recently been arrested by Jenkins for reasons unknown. Unfortunately most of these characters are pretty one-dimensional and they are all really just a gathering of tired old stereotypes.
But eventually Rico gets right into the action and soon our trio of old friends have a long awaited reunion.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that this is an animated film? That's probably an important thing to mention. But this is that photo realistic kind of animation like you would find in RESIDENT EVIL: DEGENERATION and similar films. And it's actually done pretty damn well. The characters themselves look a little 'off' but as soon as they are wearing their big, bulky mechanical suits they look badass.
The bugs themselves look really good as well, and there are even some new ones here - ones which spit deadly blue plasma from their asses. But mostly they are made up of hundreds or thousands of those standard warrior type bugs. You know, those ones which can tear your head of in a half a second.

Sure the plot isn't very deep and neither are any of the characters, but the action sequences are fast paced and the detail in the CGI is better than I would have expected. There is plenty of bug killing action here and there is even quite a bit of blood and gore. A particularly good scene shows the troopers boarding the starship (which has a very eerie Dead Space vibe) where they are greeted by dismembered bodies floating around in the zero gravity. Nice.

Another drawback I found personally disappointing was the fact that even though Casper Van Dien is named as an executive producer, for some reason he didn't lend his voice to Johnny Rico. That would have been a nice touch for fans of the original. There are a few nods to Verhoeven's film though, and even the gratuitous female nudity and pervy shower shots are reminiscent of that first movie.
All in all STARSHIP TROOPERS: INVASION is pretty damn good. A big surprise for me. If you're a fan of the original then you should definitely see this.

REC 3: GENESIS (2012) Review

Directed by: Paco Plaza

Starring: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martin, Javier Botet

One thing you need to know before you decide to watch REC 3 is that it is very, very different from the previous two films. I don't consider this a spoiler, I consider it important information because you need to realize that what you're going to see isn't a simple rehash of the first two movies. I've kept myself from reading any reviews so far but I have heard a lot of people complaining about this movie, and most of those complaints seem to be about how different it is. If you really want to watch a franchise where the same movie is rewritten over and over there are plenty of them out there. 

Clara (Dolera) and Koldo (Martin) are celebrating their wedding day. Surrounded by friends and family it will be the happiest day of their lives. Or will it? Of course not, the movie would be pointless if things didn't go horribly wrong. After character introductions, the swapping of vows, some singing, dancing and drunken relatives, the action begins. The outbreak first seen in REC's apartment building is brought out of the dark and into the daylight. During the chaos Clara and Koldo are separated and find themselves fighting for their lives. Will they find each other before it's too late?

Being a wedding, this is the perfect setting for some handheld camera action. But in stark contrast to the previous entries the POV angle is soon discarded and replaced with a more normal style of filming which makes up the majority of the movie. The setting is for the most part the polar opposite of the dark, claustrophobic apartment building seen in the first two REC films. Here we are treated to brightly lit, open spaces with loads of people before darkness eventually falls and we find ourselves in familiar territory.

There's so much more I want to say but I don't want to spoil things for anybody. One thing I will say however is that GENESIS is a slower paced, more emotionally and even humorously charged kind of horror film. Which is not a bad thing by any means. The acting is good and the two leads do a great job. Leticia Dolera definitely stole the show though. Of course the movie does have its negative points too. The main one of these I thought was the loss of some seemingly key characters early on with little explanation.

Another thing you need to keep in mind is that REC 3 takes place before and during the events of the first film, so don't expect a continuation of the original story so much as a fresh perspective on the outbreak. A lot of people are going to hate this movie and a lot are going to love it, I don't see there being any middle ground. Personally I fall into the latter category. I fucking loved it.
If you are interested in seeing the progression of the original story then you'll have to wait until REC 4: APOCALYPSE is released.

PIRANHA 3DD (2012) Review

Directed by: John Gulager

Starring: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner

PIRANHA 3D was quite simply a bad movie but at least it was entertaining and had some semblance of plot. This sequel however is not just bad but terrible, it has the thinnest of plots and unlikeable characters.
Obviously PIRANHA 3DD is not supposed to be some high class horror movie and I understand that, but this movie was completely unnecessary and brought nothing new to the table.

In the aftermath of the Lake Victoria incident in the first film, the once hot tourist destination is now a ghost town. But at least the piranha are gone right? Well no, it seems that they're back and this time they are out to terrorise the newly opened water park The Big Wet. The Big Wet is an adult oriented water park with sleazy tag lines and lots of nude females. Even the lifeguards are strippers! Entrepreneur Chet (Koechner) has poured all of his money into creating this park and he has big plans for its opening day. Unfortunately his stepdaughter Maddy has discovered that there is a real threat that piranhas could get into the water park and create a bloodbath. Chet isn't put off by this though and so goes on with the grand opening. Obviously the piranhas enter the park and everything goes horribly wrong.

PIRANHA 3DD promises 'twice the terror, double the D's' and it certainly delivers on the latter. There are enough wet, bouncing breasts here to make any 14 year old boy jizz in his pants. When it comes to terror however, the movie is seriously lacking and the blood and death scenes are actually a step down from the previous film. Another thing PIRANHA 3DD has tried to add is humor, from Ving Rhames' shotgun prosthetic leg to David Hasselhoff's cameo. Unfortunately all of this is just cheap laughs and quite frankly I didn't find it funny at all. I also fail to see the reason for the movie being presented in 3D, other than to lure teenage boys with the promise of big breasts bouncing around in three dimensions. There were only a couple of real 3D moments and they just seemed cheap and tacked on. 

THE AMITYVILLE HAUNTING (2011) Review

Directed by: Geoff Meed

Starring: Jason Williams, Amy Van Horne, Devin Clark

I am nowhere near deluded enough to expect anything good from The Asylum. Ever. I get the idea of 'mockbusters' and understand that they're not meant to be cinematic masterpieces, but even I didn't think that they could produce something this terrible. I'd like to say that this is low even for their standards but then again The Asylum don’t seem to have any standards. 

THE AMITYVILLE HAUNTING begins with handheld footage of a horny young couple deciding to take themselves on an unauthorized tour of the infamous Amityville house. Once inside things start to get hot and heavy before they finally meet a bloody off-camera death.

Flash forward and we meet the Benson family who have just bought the Amityville house and are beginning to move in. They’re aware of the house’s grisly past but apparently it was all they could afford. One of the removalists has a fatal accident and from then on the ‘horror’ escalates. Eventually after a few strange happenings have occurred the father gets the idea of installing video cameras around the house and the movie starts to journey deep into PARANORMAL ACTIVITY territory. One of the cameras watches on as a door mysteriously opens by itself (gasp!) and the security alarm goes off. And that’s about as scary (if you can even call that scary) as the movie gets. Almost all of the deaths happen off-camera, and at the moments when something is about to happen the video jumps or blacks out and we only get quick flashes in between.

I honestly cannot think of one aspect of this movie that wasn't crap. The writing was crap, the effects were crap, the acting was crap and all of the characters were completely unlikeable. I couldn't wait for them all to die. The film even uses that tired old trick of trying to persuade viewers that what they’re seeing is ‘real footage’. Do people even fall for that anymore? Any moron can check the IMDb page and clearly see that the characters in the film are played by actors, and incompetent ones at that.

By the time it was all over I felt relieved but also disgusted at myself for actually sitting through the entire movie. I know you always hear the phrase ‘worst movie ever’ thrown around a lot, but this has to be a strong contender. It is definitely the worst movie I've seen in a long time. In fact I'm not even going to waste any more time on this review. All you need to know is that this movie is shit. Stay away.

HOSTEL: PART III (2011) Review

Directed by: Scott Spiegel

Starring: Kip Pardue, Thomas Kretschman, Brian Hallisay

There were three signs that told me this was going to be a terrible movie, and I ignored them all. I wish I hadn't.

First of all was the fact that Eli Roth was nowhere to be seen, and instead we have Scott Spiegel who's last attempt at a sequel gave us the terrible From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money.

Then there is the location change. All of a sudden we're taken from a creepy little European town all the way over to the bright lights of Vegas? Why?

And then of course there's the fact that HOSTEL: PART III had no theatrical release and instead went straight to video.

A group of friends take a trip to Vegas to celebrate the impending marriage of one of them. After a big night out one of the friends goes missing and the others go looking for him. Soon enough they find themselves involved with the Elite Hunting Club who are hosting a new perverse game of torture.

The first Hostel may not have been the best movie out there, but at least it actually accomplished something. It carved out it's own little niche, and the term 'torture-porn' was coined because of it. The sequel was a nice, if unneeded follow up but this third entry is just horseshit.

I will admit though that there is a twist and it actually had me fooled for a second. I feel a little ashamed to say that, but it's true. Other than that though, this movie was as predictable and yawn-inducing as you can get.

The torture scenes are extremely tame and there is no tension or build-up at all. They just kind of happen. It's like Scott Spiegel didn't bother to watch the first two films and instead decided to make a child-friendly horror movie. Yes it really is that tame. 

And remember the really dark, gritty atmosphere from the first two movies? Well don't expect that here. The decision for this to take place in bright and shiny Las Vegas was a bad one.

There is really only one reason to watch a Hostel movie. The torture, gore and violence. Nobody watches them for their acting, storytelling or character development, they just want to see gratuitous violence. 

HOSTEL: PART III is nothing like the previous two films. It is boring, the acting and casting are awful, the FX are crap and pretty much everything else is just plain bad.  Don't even waste your time.