WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson, Roxanne McKee

You’d think I would have learned my lesson after watching the abysmal fourth entry into this withered franchise but apparently not. Another straight to video effort from the same director as WT4. Did I somehow expect this to be good? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that by the time the credits rolled I had wasted a good hour and a half watching a completely pointless movie. And when I say this is a pointless addition to the franchise I mean it. As bad as the fourth film was at least it was (trying) to tell an origins story but this fifth one has nothing. Even Doug Bradley couldn't save it.

Following on from the prequel WRONG TURN 4, this movie shows the three inbred fucks after leaving the abandoned mental hospital. They have somehow managed to shack up with a deranged killer Maynard (Doug Bradley) on the edge of a small West Virginia town. And by a huge coincidence this town just so happens to have an annual ‘Mountain Man Festival’ – a festival which according to the film is as big as Lollapalooza and in which everybody dresses as – you guessed it – mountain men. A group of pill-popping, shroom-munching kids on their way to the festival run into some trouble when they meet Maynard and they all (including Maynard) get hauled back to the town jail and locked up. But Maynard doesn't seem too worried because as he keeps reminding the Sherriff (Arfwedson) “My boys are coming”.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems that the core of this movie has been borrowed straight from 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, with Maynard locked up in police custody waiting for his boys to descend on the town and break him out. In 30 DAYS all of the cell phones are destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Here the cell tower itself is destroyed and the power station is sabotaged. Coincidence? I think not.
But just because WT5 shares some similarities with another film is no reason to hate it right? Right. Because there are plenty of other, better reasons for that.

Like this one for example: The ‘big as Lollapalooza’ Mountain Man Festival is apparently in full swing yet there is no sign of it. We don’t hear it and apart from a few people wandering around early in the film we don’t see it either. And if it really is as big as Lollapalooza and this town is so small, how the hell do a group of kids manage to get a hotel room at such short notice? Does this festival even exist? I might be nitpicking here but I can’t help it. The film puts so much importance on this festival that its absence is really obvious and confusing.

If there is one single thing about this movie which annoyed and frustrated me more than any other it has got to be the Sherriff. She let loose four kids (found with an assload of drugs in their car which they crashed into a tree just prior to kicking the crap out of a man) essentially because they asked to be let go. Then to make things worse she lets the remaining boy out of his cell, deputises him and gives him a fucking shotgun. Insanity.
At one point much to my surprise I found myself giving the film a mental “Hooray!” because the Sherriff at least had enough sense to tell everybody to stick together instead of splitting up. But that feeling didn’t last because about 2 minutes later the Sherriff ran off on her own to try and find a radio…

And while we’re on the subject of annoying characters I’d like to nominate some more, like for example ALL OF THEM. But most notably Doug Bradley’s Maynard who would not shut the fuck up and the three inbred fuckers who for some reason giggled through the whole movie like a pack of retarded hyenas. Then again maybe they’re just laughing at how bad their makeup looks. Have I mentioned the makeup yet? No? Well it’s by far the worst of any of the films in the franchise. It just looks lazy and all too obviously fake to me.

At least we get to see some nice death scenes (and there’s hardly any nasty CGI in sight) but even these aren't as good or original as they could have been and they somehow come across as if they are clever or intricate even though they aren't. Like if Jigsaw created a trap right after he had a stroke.
So there you have it. There’s pretty much nothing good about this movie at all unless you’re satisfied with sitting back and watching a whole lot of pointless and mediocre death scenes glued together with the thinnest of plots. WRONG TURN completionists will want to see this but I don’t recommend it to anybody else living or dead.

INBRED (2012) Review

Directed by: Alex Chandon

Starring: Jo Hartley, James Doherty, Chris Waller

A movie titled INBRED. Pretty predictable isn't it? A bunch of city kids find themselves stalked by inbred rednecks somewhere in the deep south of the US right? Wrong. In fact this particular film takes place in the UK, which is something that intrigued me right away. What are English backwoods inbreds like? Do they drink tea and eat scones? Who the fuck knows, the best thing to do here is jump right into the movie and see what happens.

Kate (Hartley) and Jeff (Doherty) are driving a quartet of troubled youths through the English countryside, heading to a small town. This retreat is supposed to be some sort of project to help the four kids. Somehow. But that’s not important. What’s important is that after arriving at their run-down shithole of a vacation house they put all of their mobile phones in a bag and leave them behind (great idea guys!) then decide to take a trip to the local pub. As soon as they open the door and step inside all eyes are upon them. These eyes happen to belong to a throng of greasy, dirty, stringy-haired fellows with bad teeth and an appearance that suggests they are all each other’s brothers, uncles and sons. In fact only the barkeeper seems to be a normal, friendly guy. He even makes the group of newcomers a fresh batch of lemonade. Sure it tastes like warm piss but hey, what are you gonna do? At least it was free. He even sells them some homemade snacks which look suspiciously like shrivelled up, hairy pieces of person. What a nice guy.

The city folk head out to an old abandoned train yard for what I assume is supposed to be some sort of fun, team-building scavenger hunt. However Dwight (Waller) (the douche bag of the group) manages to turn it into a ‘let’s smash the absolute fuck out of everything’ activity. Two of the other youths have a run in with a pair of backwoods freaks before the others come to intervene. Unfortunately while trying to be a tough motherfucker Jeff falls and cuts his leg open on a big chunk of steel. Blood everywhere.
Back at the pub they ask somebody to call an ambulance, and this is the point where everything turns to shit.

So I suppose apart from the setting it is pretty predictable, until we get to the killing that is. Although the English villains are just as sinister as their American counterparts, these enterprising British inbreds aren't just intent on making their victims squeal like piggies or carving them up for their dinner. No, they have decided to make a spectacle of it. The whole town turns up to watch. It’s a fucking hit. Even the nice barkeeper gets involved, blackfacing himself up and putting on a spiffy red jacket like a circus ringleader. Then he announces the main attractions, which I won’t reveal. Let’s just say that they involve vegetables, animals and other things.
Speaking of killing though we should talk about the gore and effects. First of all there is plenty of the red stuff and some good looking practical effects. But there is also quite a bit of CGI that I found a little distracting. Overall though it’s not too bad. Some of the death scenes are quite unique too.

So I guess in the end INBRED isn't as predictable as you might first expect. There isn't anything groundbreaking brought to the table but there are enough fresh touches to keep you interested. And more importantly it’s a fun movie. I particularly liked the attitude of the inbreds themselves. Rather than sprinting through the woods in hot pursuit of their victims they take a more care-free approach, skipping along singing old folky songs and leaving the escapees to the mercy of their booby-traps. It’s a shame about the CGI but at least they haven’t gone completely overboard with it and had the good sense to use it in collaboration with some good old practical stuff. And as far as backwoods inbred movies go it’s a hell of a lot better than what that piece of shit WRONG TURN franchise has turned into. If you see one British, backwoods inbred film this year make sure it is INBRED.

FATHER'S DAY (2012) Review

Directed by: Astron-6

Starring: Adam Brooks, Matthew Kennedy, Conor Sweeney

I’d been looking forward to watching FATHER’S DAY ever since I saw the kickass poster art. I’ll admit I was a little worried when I saw the Troma name attached to it but I decided to give it a chance anyway. Turns out that was the right choice because not only is FATHER’S DAY an awesome movie, but I’d even go a step further and say that it is one of the best films I’ve seen, period. The guys at Astron-6 have done an amazing job with this film and I’m definitely looking forward to seeing more from them soon.

Chris Fuchman (or just simply ‘the Fuchman as he’s known) was a prolific rapist, murder and cannibal who preyed exclusively on fathers. His reign of terror was thought to be over but it seems that the Fuchman is back and no father is safe. Twink (Sweeney) is a young male whore who has experienced the terror of the Fuchman when he watched his own father being burned alive in front of him. He’s a person of interest to the police because of his past but he is out to prove his innocence. He runs into a priest (Kennedy) who tries to help Twink via God, but instead they end up trying to find The Fuchman. Father Sullivan is told he needs to seek out a mysterious man named Ahab (Brooks) who is their only chance to defeat the Fuchman for good. Ahab's own father was killed by The Fuchman many years ago and during the attack he himself lost an eye. Father Sullivan finally recruits a reluctant Ahab and then this trio decide to work together to rid the world of the terrible Fuchman. Ahab’s estranged sister Chelsea becomes involved and eventually things just get weirder as they discover that the Fuchman is no ordinary man.

Make no mistake, FATHER’S DAY is no slick big-budget Hollywood production, but it is one hell of a ride and one of the most entertaining pieces of cinema I have seen in years. It has a bit of everything, murder, rape, torture, incest, suicide, buckets of blood all blended with some fantastic humor. This movie is hilarious. It is absolutely absurd but somehow it works because FATHER’S DAY embraces this absurdity and runs with it. To give you an idea there is one scene where Ahab and friends need to sneak past a police detective, so they dress up in women’s clothes and wigs and just stroll right past him. Not only is Ahab sporting a nice thick beard but he also has a picture of an eye taped to his eye-patch. It might sound ridiculous and it is, but somehow it just works. Oh and keep an eye out for the random clip of a bear just thrown in there for seemingly no reason.

Astron-6 has done such a great job with such a small budget and they've thrown in something for everybody. Enough gore for any gorehound out there, plenty of action and humor and also a kickass retro synth soundtrack. The acting won't win any awards but it really doesn't matter. The way the characters play off each other is perfect. And FATHER'S DAY is one of the few modern movies which has successfully pulled off that old school grindhouse style. Very highly recommended.

URBAN EXPLORER (2011) Review

Directed by:Andy Fetscher

Starring: Nathalie Kelley, Nick Eversman, Klaus Stiglmeier

Urban Exploration seems to me like the perfect subject for a horror film. The whole point of it is to venture into dark, isolated, out of the way places where few people ever go. I'm actually a little surprised that I've never seen a horror film using this theme until now. Taking this subject ensures some perfect horror ingredients, darkness, claustrophobia, disorientation and the unknown. But is that enough to create a good, solid horror movie?

Denis (Eversman) and his girlfriend Lucia (Kelley) have organized a little subterranean tour of Berlin's mysterious underground. They meet up with another two explorers Marie and Juna and their German guide Kris who leads them through a nightclub and then deep down underground. Their destination is an old walled-off Nazi bunker, and the trip should take them about two hours there and another two hours back. Simple right? However the trip is anything but uneventful and they soon find themselves fighting for their lives as a subterranean psychopath stalks them relentlessly. Will they ever see daylight again?

The movie starts off rather slowly, the characters all meeting each other at a designated spot before being led underground by their guide. When they finally find themselves deep down in the darkness Kris leads them on, pointing out features as they go. Although the going is rather slow, this gives the film a great chance to set the mood and show off some great shots of the surroundings. The underground location is actually one of my favorite parts of the movie. The low light, torch beams, rubbish strewn everywhere, water dripping down long tunnels all come together to create a somehow beautiful experience but at the same time you also have a feeling of impending doom. I will admit however that some of these huge caverns look like they might just be factories or warehouses filmed late at night, they just seem a little too big and intricate and they seem to vary quite a bit.

So visually the film is excellent, but what about the rest? Well I thought the characters were quite well written and I think that it was a smart move to make them (apart from Denis and Lucia) people who have all just met for the first time. It's a good way to make sure that relationships don't get in the way too much. Surprisingly for the most part they don't make too many stupid decisions either, although the movie does have it's fair share such as Marie deciding to point her camera right at Kris's face and take a flash photo while he is trying to navigate a narrow beam across a dangerously deep shaft. 

I thought the killer was really well written and cast too and he actually reminded me a lot of the Aussie madman Mick Taylor from WOLF CREEK. In fact the whole movie (apart from the setting) was reminiscent of that film. Not that that's a bad thing.

I should also mention the effects too, which seemed to be all practical and by the end there is quite a bit of gore and blood without going over the top.

Storywise it's pretty simple and there aren't a whole lot of needless subplots to get in the way. The pacing was a bit inconsistent in areas though, and this 90 minute movie seemed to me a lot longer because of it. I also had a bit of a problem with the ending. There was a point where I thought it could have ended, but it didn't. It dragged on for a little longer and I really thought the last few scenes could have been left out. Also there were a few scenes which seemed a little unbelievable or illogical. But apart from those few problems I actually enjoyed URBAN EXPLORER and I recommend it to anybody who hasn't yet seen it.

PRIMAL (2010) Review

Directed by: Josh Reed

Starring: Krew Boylan, Lindsay Farris, Wil Traval, Zoe Tuckwell-Smith

A group of friends take a road trip to check out some ancient Aboriginal cave paintings which apparently nobody has seen in over 120 years. One of the guys Dace (Traval) is working on his thesis and the rest of the group are basically just tagging along for some camping and adventure.
A group of friends taking a trip out into the wilderness? Could it get anymore cliché? Of course it could.
The first half hour or so of the movie introduces us to the characters who are exactly as we expect them to be. There is the couple who seemingly came along only for the chance to fuck in their tent. There is the girl with a past traumatic experience which she must overcome, there is the leader of the group, the joker and another girl thrown in with the single purpose of dying horribly.
But soon after taking a nude dip in some leech infested water, Mel (Boylan) begins a horrifying transformation. First she breaks out in a fever, starts talking gibberish and then her teeth fall out and are finally replaced by extra long pointed fangs. She reverts back to some primal, animal-like state and begins violently attacking her friends. Before long they realize that face a moral dilemma. Do they kill Mel or do they risk death themselves by trying to capture her alive?

PRIMAL reminds me of movies like The Ruins and Cabin Fever but especially the latter, with the protagonists being pitted against not only a killer virus but also against each other. I'm not a huge fan of either though and I actually have to say that I preferred PRIMAL over both of them.
The first hour or so gets pretty intense particularly after Mel's transformation, and the way the friends deal with their situation is intriguing to say the least. After Mel kills and then chows down on one of them, the rest seem to make up their mind that she needs to be killed. All of course except for her stupid boyfriend Chad (Farris) who seems to think that she's 'still in there' and that he can 'get through to her'.
Apart from the sometimes frustratingly stupid characters and the shoddy looking CGI (especially the scenes involving any kind of super-high jumping or people being thrown) I found the movie to be entertaining and engaging and it kept me intrigued right up until the last 20 minutes or so where things fell apart a little. The final scene however did get a little chuckle from me.

Despite being about as predictable and cliché as you can get and not scary at all, I actually found PRIMAL to be an enjoyable enough movie with some good action scenes, decent acting and a fair amount of blood. Veteran horror fans will find nothing new here, but casual watchers will probably enjoy it although the violence (including rocks smashing heads, teethe falling out, throats being torn open etc) may be a little too much for some.

WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS (2011) Review

Directed by: Declan O'Brien

Starring: Victor Zinck Jr, Kaitlyn Wong, Terra Vnesa

I thought the first WRONG TURN was a pretty solid film, and the second was enjoyable. The third was pretty bad but this latest offering is terrible. BLOODY BEGINNINGS is touted as a prequel but in all honesty it really doesn't matter whether you've seen any of the others or not, as this might as well be a standalone film. In fact it might as well not even be in the same franchise, because the feel of the previous movies is not evident at all.

The movie begins in 1982 with a weak origins story featuring an asylum and a certain trio of inbred residents. They escape their cell and slaughter the staff. Fast forward to 2003 and we are introduced to a group of friends who have decided to take a trip to the snowfields in West Virginia. They grab their gear and snowmobiles and head out. Predictably they make a 'wrong turn' and find themselves lost in a snowstorm, before stumbling upon an abandoned asylum. They think that they've found a safe place to wait out the storm but soon realise that they're not alone. The body count starts to rise while the storm blows relentlessly outside.

If you want a serious horror film then this is most definitely not it. It seems that they've completely done away with anything close to frightening and instead opted for a lot of mediocre gore effects, some dumb dialogue and even dumber characters. And I stress the word dumb. These are some of the most stupid people I have ever had the misfortune to watch in a horror film. They seem to make every single mistake imaginable including the classic "We have a perfect chance to kill them now, but let's not" and the ever popular "I'm supposed to be watching these prisoners but I guess I'll just take a nap"
I mentioned the gore already but I'll go into more detail. Inconsistent is the best word I could use to describe it. Some of it actually looked decent but then all of a sudden there would be buckets of horrible looking CGI blood. And even the practical blood looked horribly bad. Is it really that difficult to find a good recipe for fake blood?
The acting was bad, and the writing was even worse. If your friends were being brutally murdered would you really go out of your way to say something like "I think they just turned Porter into Porterhouse steak" ?

WRONG TURN 4 is a mess of stupid decisions, below par acting, bad dialogue and average effects. The director even seems to realise this and has thrown in a couple of random lesbian scenes probably to try and pull your attention from all of the film's flaws.
 There is an upside though. If you invite a bunch of friends over and drink your way through a few cases of beer you may just find yourself drunk enough to laugh at and even enjoy this movie.

Horror Feast: Sex & Cannibalism

Went out last night and drank a little too much so I really couldn't be fucked doing anything today.

Couch + cigarettes + coffee + horror movies. That was basically my entire day. 

On today's menu: Sex & Cannibalism.

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980)

I thought I'd start out with a cult classic which I've seen numerous times but I never get tired of it. The tagline "the mother of all cannibal movies" is pretty much spot on. It's not the first cannibal movie, but it is definitely one of the most influential and definitive. A professor goes on a 'rescue' mission to the Amazon jungle and brings back tapes from a documentary a crew were filming before they disappeared. The tapes show how the crew got on the native cannibals' bad side and were eventually killed and eaten.

The gore is plentiful and still holds up pretty well to this day, and the underlying social commentary is powerful. It's a shame that the animal deaths were real and in retrospect director Ruggero Deodato has commented that he regrets ever making the film. But there's no doubt that it is a very powerful and impactful movie and the horror landscape today would be very different if it had never been made. Definitely not for the squeamish but it really is a great film. And the soundtrack is fantastic.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (2007)

A quartet of naive young men and women decide to travel to Papua New Guinea to search for Michael Rockefeller who disappeared forty years earlier. The concept is ridiculous and the four main characters are all idiots. The movie sucks too. The first hour is slow and drawn out and the two couples spend most of it arguing. When things finally pick up it does get a little interesting and there is a bit of tension but ultimately it is a very disappointing film. And also I did not see one scene of actual cannibalism. There are plenty of bodyparts and blood towards the end but no people eating other people so that too was disappointing. I should also mention that this is a found footage type movie which I usually like but this time I didn't. All four characters are annoying and stupid and that really ruined any chance of me actually enjoying the film at all. I wouldn't recommend this one.

PAPAYA: LOVE GODDESS OF THE CANNIBALS (1978)

Well I have to say that is one of the most misleading movie titles ever. The only part that's accurate is the 'love' part because this is basically a softcore porn film. If I'd bothered to check director Joe D'Amato's filmography and seen entries such as "Hercules: A Sex Adventure" or "Porno Holocaust" then I may have worked that out but I'm not familiar with his work at all. I'd say that at least a third of this movie involves nudity or sex scenes. There is some vague plot about natives being angry at the prospect of a nuclear reactor being built on their island. They despatch Papaya to seduce and kill the men involved. And there are at the very most two scenes in the entire film that you could possibly say involve cannibalism. One is when Papaya bites off a man's dick and the other is one of the natives taking a bite out of a human heart. If you're looking for a softcore porno then go for this, but if you want a cannibal film then forget it.

CANNIBAL FEROX 2: MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY (1985)

This really has nothing to do with the first Cannibal Ferox. A group of people take a flight to a forbidden place called Dinosaur Valley. The group is comprised of a professor and his daughter, a palaeontologist, a photographer and his two models, a Vietnam veteran and his alcoholic ex-wife. I understand the palaeontologist and the professor, but what the fuck are the others doing going to this valley? Anyway their plane crashes, a couple of them die and the survivors have to find a way out of the jungle without being killed by the native cannibals. They survive the cannibals and stumble across some kind of illegal mining camp where they are taken prisoner. There is a single scene once again involving someone eating a human heart but that's about it for cannibalism. The movie actually focuses more on the mining camp scenario and plays out more like an action film than horror. 

WRONG TURN (2003)

It's easy to compare this to other twisted hillbilly films like Deliverance but I think this is a great film that stands perfectly well on it's own. It's a shame about the sequels though.

After an accident a group of friends decide to go find help. They find a house in the middle of nowhere inhabited by a trio of cannibalistic mountain men. The men chase them while they try to survive and escape.

The movie is fast paced and actually has some decent acting in it. The make-up and effects are solid and those mountain men look fucking scary. And I have to admit Eliza Dushku does a pretty good job in the female survivor role. The film isn't fantastic but compared to a lot of other crap that's come out in the last decade it is definitely above average and worth checking out if you haven't seen it yet. I would advise skipping the sequels though.

EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS (1977)

Oh god , it's another Joe D'Amato film. So yes there are plenty of pornographic moments and in fact even more than there was in PAPAYA. Almost every character in the movie is either having sex or masturbating at some point. Emanuelle is a reporter who comes across a mental patient with a strange tattoo. The tattoo leads her to an ancient cannibal tribe and so she sets up an expedition to go check it out. After a whole lot of fucking and fingering for the first hour things actually get pretty interesting towards the end and there is some real gore and horror. Nipples get cut off, a man gets sliced in half and there are actually some real scenes of cannibalism. Hooray!

If the first part of the movie was as good as the second part this might actually have been decent. But all of those tits, asses, dicks and pussies kind of got in the way.

VAN DIEMEN'S LAND (2009) Review

Directed by: Jonothan Auf Der Heide

Starring: Oscar Redding, Arthur Angel

I've decided to start this blog off with a week of Australian horror film reviews. I will be doing one each day starting off with this true tale of murder, cannibalism and the will to survive.

There have already been two films made about Alexander Pearce, neither of which I have seen. The first is a biographical film titled "The Last Confession of Alexander Pearce" and the second is a horror film titled "Dying Breed" which is about the descendants of cannibal Pearce still living in the wilderness of Tasmania. A short film called "Hell's Gates" was also filmed, and it was this film that eventually became "Van Diemen's Land"

While not exactly a straight up horror flick, the concept is pretty gruesome. This true story of cannibal convicts in Tasmania is a horrifying tale. Although there is minimal blood and gore, the fear and paranoia within this group of men is plenty.

Jonathan Auf Der Heide's film is based on the last confessions of Alexander Pearce before he was executed in 1824. Pearce and a group of seven other convicts escaped a penal colony and headed into the unexplored and unforgiving Tasmanian wilderness. Eventually Pearce was recaptured and told horrible tales of committing murder and cannibalism. This movie focuses on what happened in between the escape and recapture.

The escape provides a little excitement at the beginning of the movie, but afterwards it rolls along at a very slow pace. Going by the excellent quality of Ellery Ryan's cinematography, the first 40 minutes may as well be a tourist advertisement for Tasmania. Then things start to pick up. After running out of food, the men decide to kill off the weakest of the group so the rest of them have enough food to survive. After the first murder, tempers flare and  paranoia abounds, with everybody wondering which one of them will be next.

All of the performances are solid, but there isn't much insight into the characters and when they start dropping like flies, I found myself not really caring about them at all. Essentially they are just a bunch of hairy men running through a forest trying to kill each other and no matter who the final survivor had been, I felt like it wouldn't really have made much of a difference.

Although not a piece of groundbreaking cinema, Van Diemen's Land is an above average addition to the Australian film landscape. The acting is great and the cinematography is some of the best I've seen. I think a little more character development and a lot more gore could have helped though. I also think that the film would have been more effective if it concentrated more on man vs nature rather than man vs man.