BIG TITS ZOMBIE (2010) Review

Directed by: Takao Nakano

Starring: Sola Aoi, Risa Kasumi, Mari Sakurai

BIG TITS ZOMBIE. The title alone is probably enough for anybody to decide whether or not they really want to watch it. Alternative titles include BIG TITS DRAGON (which confused me because there isn't a single dragon in the entire film) and OSEN ZOMBIE VS. STRIPPER 5 (still confusing because I'm certain there aren't four previous flicks). Further investigation shows that director Takao Nakano is responsible for straight-to-video films with titles such as SEXUAL PARASITE: KILLER PUSSY and SUMO VIXENS. Still can't make up your mind? Well what if I told you that more than one of the female stars also work in the Japanese adult film business? In fact I remember reading the press release for this film and it went out of its way to promote Sola Aoi, pointing out her bust, waist and hip measurements and even her nickname "Baby Face Big Tits". I swear I'm not making this shit up. Oh and to top it all off the movie was filmed in 'tittylicious 3D' which turns out to be regular old anaglyphic 3D.

I'm sure by now you've realized that what passes for plot in a film like this is pretty much irrelevant but I'll run through it anyway. A troupe of strippers discover a hidden door which leads to a secret passage which in turn leads them to find an ancient tome which just so happens to be the Book of the Dead. Maria (Sakurai) is the only person who believes in the book's power and to prove it she reads aloud a few passages which are supposed to raise the dead. At first nothing happens but soon they find themselves surrounded by zombies. Cue a lot of titties, chainsaws, katanas and digital blood. Oh and a fire-breathing vagina (see below).

Now obviously this film is aimed at the male population and the big drawcard here is the three words which comprise the title. These three words bring up three questions. How many tits do we get to see? Just how big are they? And what's the zombie quotient?
As memory serves there are only two pair of tits which probably get a couple of minutes of screen time and at one point a thick drenching of blood. They're not considerably big I suppose but you won't hear me arguing that point. The camera does like to zoom in for lots of close-up crotch and ass shots but keeping with Japanese tradition we don't see any genitals. As for the zombies there is quite a substantial number and they range from geisha zombies to samurai zombies, nurse zombies and even a dried fish zombie and some fresh sushi zombies.

The main cast may be pretty damn hot but as you would imagine the acting is dreadful. At one point these strippers put on a stage show which is incredibly boring (strippers boring?) and all of the girls look extremely uninterested. The zombie effects are pretty amateur and the film is rife with CGI blood sprays. The silver lining here is that the movie is only 73 minutes long and a lot of that time is spent showing scantily clad women shaking their sexy bodies about. BIG TITS ZOMBIE is everything you would expect it to be but in a way it may be less than what you would expect. It's not nearly as perverted or bizarre as it could be but it does deliver on the title's promise and if that's good enough for you then that's all that matters. As for me I found it to be an entertaining way to spend 73 minutes but nothing special or worth revisiting. Four big tits out of ten.

BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL (2003) Review

Directed by: Yumai Yamaguchi

Starring: Tak Sakaguchi, Atsushi Itô, Hideo Sakaki

I have to admit that I have a bit of a man crush on Tak Sakaguchi. Every movie I've seen him in he plays an absolutely cool-as-ice badass. The kind of guy who will be confronted with ten other guys who want to kick his ass and with no problem at all he'll kick all their asses without even breaking a sweat. He's like a Japanese Clint Eastwood or something.

Like a lot of Japanese films this is an adaptation of a manga which unfortunately I have not read so therefore I can't say how close it is to the source material. What I can say however is that it shares more than a few similarities to the 2011 flick DEADBALL, and with good reason. Both films were directed by Yudai Yamaguchi, both star Tak Sakaguchi as the lead character Jubei, both have a character named Four Eyes and both are about a deadly variation on the popular sport of baseball. DEADBALL however is not a sequel but more of a re-imagining.

Principal of Sudei High School and manager of the school's baseball team has a star team and is ready to take them to the next level. Unfortunately he finds out that their first game is against the brutal Gedo High team who will literally destroy his team. The only hope he has of winning is recruiting transfer student Jubei (Takaguchi). But Jubei has pledged never to play baseball again after his amazingly powerful pitch killed his father. Obviously he is convinced to join the team but will that be enough to defeat the deadly Gedo High team?

Even though I haven't read the manga it's easy enough to see the influence. BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL is full of that kind of over the top cartoon violence, slapstick humor and cheesy sentimental scenes that you see in a lot of Japanese cinema. And the way it resurrects characters so matter of factly is both absurd and hilarious. Take this line for example:
 - "Head Teacher! You're alive!"
 - "Yes I've returned as a cyborg, thanks to advanced technology!"
That's what this movie is like. Completely absurd.
Contrary to the title there is little actual baseball played here. Most of the 'game' consists of the competitors brutally beating each other or playing 'fighting baseball' There's plenty of red stuff splashed around and some of the action scenes and fight choreography are pretty neat, but DEADBALL does all of this a lot better and it also has Nazis in it so if you have a choice go for that. Or you could just watch both. I'm giving this five bloodstained baseballs out of ten.

CROSS BEARER (2012) Review

Directed by: Adam Ahlbrandt

Starring: Natalie Jean, Isaac Williams, Kacie Marie

Originality and progressiveness are two things I love when I'm watching a horror film. And although these seem to be rare traits nowadays, an original concept or a twist that throws me completely off is what really gets me off. However when I sit down to watch a slasher I really couldn't give a fuck about any of that stuff. No, when I watch a slasher all I really need is some gore, a nice body count and a ruthless killer. And if there's some gritty atmosphere, sleaze and some nice boob action well then that's even better. More recent films like LAID TO REST and THE ORPHAN KILLER have delivered nicely on this front and I'm glad to say that CROSS BEARER has all of these goodies and plenty more.

Heather (Jean) doesn't exactly have the best life. In fact to put it bluntly, it fucking sucks. Her live-in girlfriend is a coke-head, her boss is a sleazy, abusive asshole and the patrons at her place of employment heckle and harass her. She desperately needs an escape plan and she thinks that she has just found the perfect opportunity. Her boss Harry not only runs the strip joint she works at but also deals drugs on the side. With a sizeable deal lined up he organizes for Heather to make the exchange and return with the cash when it's over. However Heather has other plans. In collusion with her lover Bunny (Marie) she plans to complete the deal but rather than returning to Harry with the cash the two lovers will head off to Greece to begin a new life. A perfect plan, at least in theory. But when the deal doesn't go to plan and the Cross Bearer (Williams) starts picking off his victims, Heather and Bunny's dream quickly becomes a nightmare.

Heather, Bunny and friends arrive at an abandoned warehouse where they are supposed to be meeting their buyer. This provides the film with two essential ingredients; a healthy amount of bodies and nice, big, creepy location for the villain to lurk and stalk. Little do they know however that the Cross Bearer awaits within and has already dispatched of their customer. Little is actually explained about our killer and exactly why he is the way he is but it's safe to assume that he isn't quite right in the head and religion has played an important part in his twisted mindset. He is a religious zealot who has charged himself with purifying the world of it's sinners. And how does he go about this? Why with a carpenter's hammer of course! And wearing a cloth over his head he does bring to mind a certain Jason Voorhees, although I took this to be an homage rather than just a rip-off. Either way this hooded Jesus freak gets down and dirty with his hammer.

The effects work in CROSS BEARER is quite remarkable and comes courtesy of Doug Sakmann who will also be doing effects for the upcoming RETURN TO NUKE 'EM HIGH. And you can breathe a sigh of relief because yes the gore and effects are all practical. There's plenty of blood and brain matter splattering the walls and floor here. This movie is dark and gritty, and not just in the gore department. The locations are grimy and sleazy, (the strip club isn't exactly the Spearmint Rhino) the characters are much the same (Harry the club owner is a detestable creep) and there is plenty of cursing, drug use and sex scenes. Director Adam Ahldbrandt knows exactly what horror fan want and that's plenty of gore and plenty of sleaze.

As for acting I'd say that it's mostly average but with a particularly good performance from Natalie Jean as Heather, but since when is great acting something you look for in a slasher anyway? All of the performances are good enough that they don't detract from the viewing experience and for an indie flick that's pretty good in my book. The soundtrack is appropriate and the audio effects were nice as well. The solid sound of hammer colliding with head is infinitely satisfying.

Essentially CROSS BEARER is everything I look for in a slasher film. It's dark, gritty, sleazy and has plenty of blood, brains and boobs. Sure it's lacking in the originality department, the acting isn't the best and there may be a few other hiccups here and there but even with those criticisms I would still say that CROSS BEARER is one of the most satisfying slashers I've seen in quite some time. It's not something I'd recommend for mainstream horror fans but if you can handle everything I've detailed in this review then definitely check it out.

MANIAC (1980) Review

Directed by: William Lustig

Starring: Joe Spinell, Caroline Munro, Abigail Clayton

MANIAC opens on a beach at sundown. A shady grunting character puts a quarter into a pay-per-view binocular set. The camera cuts to a POV shot then pans to a young couple laying in the sand. Cut to the couple. The boy walks off in search of wood to start a fire. Cut to the girl. She is still laying down, gloved hands come into the shot. She is under the impression that its her boy friend. Her throat gets cut. The boy returns and all is apparently well. Before he could think otherwise razor wire wraps around his neck and he gets lifted off the ground. The camera pans to his shoes that are getting splattered with blood, the boy is now dead and in the throes of death rattle.
A man wakes up in a strange room screaming. He gets up and starts weeping. In bed in next to him is a bloody mannequin. MANIAC. It is here that you are introduced to the killer two minutes and forty seconds into the film!

MANIAC is a unique horror film for its time. I haven't seen many films before this that follow the killer or allows you to glimpse at his daily struggle to remain sane. There are even shots from the killers point of view! The only pre-MANIAC film I can think of that is similar in its use of character study and POV shots is Peeping-Tom. There are of course giallo films but you find out who the killer is late in the film with very few hints of what their motive may be.

I could imagine how this movie would've pissed off the censors and parent associations world wide. There are many unsettling moments in this piece. One of them is a big internal monologue where  Frank Zito (the maniac) is rearranging his mannequin collection. He takes the bloody mannequin off of his bed and begins chastising it. He replaces it with a brand new one. While mumbling to him self and deciding what sexy underwear to put on the doll the internal monologue begins. In a pleading voice he says This is going to have to stop. A harsher voice insists that all women are evil They are all the same.

Frank Zito's personalities are arguing with each other while he is dressing up a mannequin. The cherry on the cake is a recently acquired scalp from a prostitute being nailed to the mannequins head. What an artfully fucked up scene.
Another scene I should mention is the shot-gun decapitation of Tom Savini's character, with Tom Savini special effects. It is an explosion that rivals the one in Scanners.

Although this isn't a perfect film the character development is fantastic, the film itself tightly edited along with a highly unsettling sound track. Bill Lustig has directed a great film but I think the prize should go to Joe Spinell for his role of Frank. What a dynamic acting range that man has.

I give this here film four and a half prostitute scalps out of five prostitute scalps.

THE ABCs OF DEATH (2012) Review

Directed by: All of these people

Starring: All of These people

26 directors from around the world. 26 letters of the alphabet. 26 different short films. When I first heard about this it sounded to me like a simultaneously good and bad idea. Good because in general I'm usually a fan of anthologies but bad because having such an array of different directors means that every segment will be different and therefore not to everybody’s liking. For example fans of Ti West aren't necessarily going to be into the more bizarre style of Noboru Iguchi. But by the time the credits rolled I think I can at least say that I had been thoroughly entertained even if I didn't enjoy every segment.

The concept for this anthology is simple. Each director was given a certain letter of the alphabet, a 3 or 4 minute time limit and the theme of death. Aside from those constraints they were given complete freedom in what story they wanted to tell and how they wanted to tell it. This resulted in 26 distinctly different shorts ranging from regular live action clips to 2D animation and even stop motion. There’s nudity, sex, violence, surgery, masturbation, torture, comedy and just about everything else you’d expect from such an eclectic range of directors. But while this variety is one of the film’s strengths it is also its weakness. 

The biggest problem for me was that since this anthology revolves around the use of the alphabet and therefore they are all shown in alphabetical order, there is no real balance. You might get a few blood drenched segments followed by an over the top CGI filled clip and then there might be a few slow segments before it starts to get interesting again. A good example would be the crazy fucked up acid trip of “W Is For WTF” followed directly thereafter by the more serious “X Is For XXL” which rather than being just a short film also has a message behind it. The alphabet idea is a novel one but I almost think this would have worked better if they’d ditched it.

The full anthology runs for around 2 hours and I would say that I enjoyed about half of the shorts on offer. So basically I got a solid hour of entertainment out of this which is not bad at all. I can’t really go into any of the clips too much because their short running times make it difficult not to spoil them but I will however list a few of my favorite segments that I think are well worth checking out.

“D Is For Dogfight” was perhaps my favorite of the lot. It looked really clean and crisp and the whole short is shown in slow motion which worked exceedingly well. 
“S Is For Speed” I thought was quite a clever and well done visual metaphor for drug abuse. 
“X Is For XXL” was a nice gruesome clip with a serious and no so subtle message behind it. 
“O Is For Orgasm” – I'm not so sure that I enjoyed this one that much but it looked really fucking cool.
And there are others of course but the less I say about them the more you'll probably enjoy them.

But for every good short it seemed that there was an equally bad or at least disappointing one. Some didn't seem to fit properly into such a short running time, others just didn't make sense at all and some were just plain shit. And if you’re not familiar with Japanese films and directors like Noboru Iguchi then you are just going to think that the few Japanese shorts here are plain fucking bizarre.

THE ABCs OF DEATH is a hard film to recommend. If you’re a fan of anthologies like I am then definitely go and see it because it is essentially the ultimate anthology. If you’re not so much a fan of anthologies or of short films (uber short films in this case) then obviously you'll want to stay away. But if you don’t really care either way about them and if you have an open mind when it comes to different directors and styles then I say go for it. Even if you only enjoy a quarter of the clips on offer that’s still a good half hour of entertainment, and who knows? Maybe you'll discover some talent out there you've never heard of before.

At its worst THE ABCs OF DEATH is an eclectic collection of hits and misses that isn't going to satisfy everybody. At its best it is a delightfully varied sampler of the wide array of talent we have out there in the horror genre. In fact it’s kind of like those Whitman’s sampler chocolate boxes. There’s plenty of good stuff in there but every now and then you bite into one that doesn't taste too good.